A Birthday for the Books

We are broken and stranded today.

We are lonely and drifting aimlessly in a sea of doubt. 

We sleepwalk through every challenging day like ghosts or mummies, stiff and gloomy. 

It's nice out - way too nice for a February day: snowdrops are on sale on every street in this old Moldovan town, people are wearing their thick coats wide open, or on their arms ... There is a smell of spring in the air, of new life, of new hope, but our heads down in our problems, we barely notice ... 

I have no presents. I have no card. I have no food nor plan for where it might come from on your special day ... 

My heart cries because you deserve so much more. You deserve everything. You deserve the world and the moon and the stars, all the kittens and puppies of the world, all in one neat package, tied with a green bow. Like your favorite color, like the Montana pines, like your eyes ... 

We are hurt. And we are drifting. We are lost, truly. Far from home and with no definite map of where to next ... 

But most than anything, more than any of all the material things we are not, we are together. We are drifting, but we are drifting together … I can reach out across the bed, across the table, across the pavement when we walk the streets and feel you there. And my world is whole again. My dark hours light up like the skies during a Northern Lights exposure. Amazing, beautiful, hopeful. I hear your voice first thing in the morning and I know I can tackle it all. I see you smile at our kitten's picture and I know you're the one. 

There are no words in any amount of dictionaries that can explain how much I love you and how much I worship the day you were born. February has brought me and us a lot of tragedy, a lot of pain, but all is forgiven because it has also brought you. 

I am not even sure if I would be here today without you, without your care and your unwavering love, but if I were, I would be even more lost and more dark and more desperate than I am now ... 

I know this is not a happy birthday - not in the wholesome sense of this word - but I wish you a birthday where you know how happy you make me and others by just being in the world. My family, your mom, your friends love you and are ever grateful for putting color in their lives and smiles on their faces. And me - you build me up; you hold me; you heal me when I am cracked; you catch me when I fall. You are everything, Mr. Aa. And I can only hope I can be an iota of all that for you... 

Try to enjoy today and let's make it amazing the first time we get a chance for a do-over, hopefully soon. I love you! 

Happy February 27th! 

When I picture us the happiest, I picture us like this.

From Many Moons Ago

I remember that evening and later the night like it was yesterday ... The details that I might not be remembering I’ll make up and they might still fit ... I remember the air, the night, the pretend story, the party afterwards, dancing till almost dawn, our youth ... 

It was a warm summer evening in Costinești, Romania, on the Black Sea coast - the kind of summer evening where the air sticks to your skin like honey. In our rental house, we finished getting dressed, our skins hurting from too much sun (or at least mine was),  and then wandered off onto the streets in search of some entertainment for the night. It was you, me, my sister, your brother, and some other friends ... 

Our rental place was a crammed room in a house inland. All the fun stuff was on the beach, about a 20 minute walk or so. This was back in the day when we didn’t mind walking for 20 minutes ... 

It was 1996, I believe, or maybe another year later than that?! At any rate, you and my sister were teenagers. I was in college, but an old soul myself - maybe too old for my own good (wasn’t I ever?). I was the college student, older sister who mocked everything you young'uns were up to with an air of superiority (I know, some things never change, eh?). 

We eventually reached the beach, with its promenade area, where all the tourists were strolling, eating summer street treats (kebabs, ice-cream, fresh waffles), people-watching and flirting ... Costinești was a young people’s town, so I don’t remember many families with kids or older married people. I remember many dance clubs, most of them outdoors, lots of bars and restaurant patios. It was a teenage and young adult heaven and we, I suppose, fit right in ... 

We started walking from the house at dusk, but by the time we made it to the promenade, it was full-blown dark ... 

In the midst of the promenade area, somewhere at the edge of the beach, with its back towards the water, there was this two or three-wall  shack advertising to be a “Registry office” where lovers, couples, or even people who had just met could “get (mock) married”. The officiant would help you read your vows, they would pronounce you husband and wife and even give you a glass of champagne and a marriage certificate. You were 17. My sister was maybe 18. You both had just started dating that year (if indeed the year was 1996) ... 

And you both wanted to “get married”. I was mortified! I was thinking of all sorts of bad omen signs that this might bring. What if you’re tempting fate? What if you’re never going to get (really) married when the time might come in your future? What if something would happen to one of you and at least one of you won’t make it till the “real” time when you should get married, in “real” life? I cannot remember what I said but I do remember that in my mind, I was definitely not on board with this ... 

However, one thing I do remember that I thought right away: I knew right then and there that you loved my sister. I knew that if a kid of 17 can sign up, even in jest, even pretense-fully for such a commitment, that if a kid of 17 does not think that marriage might make him un-cool to his friends and little brother ... I knew the only explanation was that this was really, truly love ... And right then and there I knew, you were there in our lives to stay and care for my sister ... And I knew she loved you back. Totally, unconditionally and unreservedly ... And I was grateful for you two finding each other ... 

Happy birthday, friend, brother, and father to my only nephews! Thanks for always keeping your commitment to my sister - even from way back when it was just a child’s play to the rest of the world ... 

Congratulations! Or "casa de piatra"!

A Teenager. A Funny Guy. In His Own Words.

Because this world is a dark place and because we all need a smile, here are just some of the musings you have entertained us with in the past year: 

Kevin: Do we have to have dinner with this person at the table?

His mom: So what if she were to have dinner with us at the table? She is just people. Just like you! 

Kevin: Yeah, but I hate people! 

*

Kevin (looking at the picture of a friend’s new baby): I don’t want to be a babyist, but he looks just like any other baby.

His mom:: What is a ‘babyist’?

Kevin: It’s someone who is generalizing that all babies look alike.

*

Kevin, on trying Chick-fil-A for the first time, as he is eating his sandwich and fries: Chick-fil-A makes McDonalds look like a soup kitchen … Anyone have more fries?

*

Kevin: I am gonna marry someone from the Chick-fil-a family and become its CEO. And then, I'll commence the world-wide colonization of Chick-fil-a so every country will have it. (he pauses for dramatic effect). Yes, I am not gonna START it. I am gonna COMMENCE it! This is how you know it's for real!

*

Kevin to me, when he came to visit me: Coming to see you is not a chore. It’s a gift. 

*

Me: I am already fat. 

Kevin: Oh, my God! You and my mom are the most delusional people in the world! You are both already skinny! (such a sweet nephew, ain’t he?!)

*

Kevin (insisting that the family should keep the tradition of decorating cookies for Christmas): We are never too old for Christmas. 

*

Around the holidays, when it was raining in Montreal, he says:  What’s with all this rain?! It’s supposed to snow in December. I feel scammed by Canada.

Happy birthday, funny little man! You’re an official teenager now (God help us), but always a little man to me! 

Hope you’re having a fun day and, even better, a fun ride for the next 6 or so years of teenage-hood! It’ll be a wild ride, I am sure.  

Love your life! We love you! 

“Respectati-va si veti fi fericiti!”

Eu nu stiu altii cum sunt, dar eu nu ma gandeam daca vom ajunge vreodata la aniversarea de 50 de ani in ziua cand m-am casatorit ... Nu ma gadeam mai departe de urmatoarele 2-3 ore ... Ma gandeam: oare am platit pe toti cei implicati in logistica nuntii? Restaurantul? Cei cu tortul? Oficianta de casatorie? Oare am comandat destula mancare pentru invitati? Oare invitatii vor gasi sala de nunta si se vor simti bine? Desi aveam doar 13 invitati, aveam emotii ... 

Nu am avut nici emotii ca pasul pe care il faceam nu era potrivit ... Nu ma intrebam oare cat vom dainui in casatorie? Un an? Doi? Zece? Doua zeci?! Nu imi puneam asa probleme ... Stiam ca e cea mai buna decizie pe care o luasem vreodata si in rest ... imi vedeam de ale zilei si savuram momentul. 

Ma intreb oare ce credeau parintii mei acum 50 de ani, in ziua nuntii lor?! Oare aveau emotii? Erau fericiti? Erau siguri ca si-au gasit sufletul pereche care le va fi calauza si prieten cel mai bun din acea zi inainte? Aveau dubii? Se iubeau?! Nu stiu - pentru ca nu eram de fata ... Dar cunoscandu-i mai apoi, si acum, stiindu-le intreaga casnicie, pot sa imi imaginez ca era probabil cea mai fericita zi din viata lor de pana atunci! 

Erau doi copii. Capul plin de vise si sperante. Inima plina de amor si fericire ... Ce vremuri?!

Daca ii cunoasteti pe parintii mei, nu cred ca exista prea mare dubiu ca s-au iubit. Enorm ... Faceu totul impreuna si luau mereu decizii impreuna ... Erau nedespariti in fiecare clipa a fiecarei zile ... Chiar daca nu mereu impreuna fizic, erau impreuna in spirit si in gand ... Isi completau propozitiile ... 

Cand eram prin gimnaziu, jucam un joc cu ei - stateau in camere separate si mergem la unul si il intrebam ce gandeste celalalt. Apoi mergeam la celalalt si il intrebam la ce se gandeste si de fiecare data confirma exact ceea ce ghicise primul din ei ... Niciodata nu am inteles cum reuseau sa iti ghiceasca gandurile, dar acestia au fost parintii mei. Mereu indragostiti ...

Astazi, la 50 de ani de la ziua unirii lor in dragoste, tata nu mai este aici pe pamant. Dar sunt ferm convinsa ca este langa mama in spirit si ca vegheaza asupra ei in fiecare minut. Sunt convinsa ca nu ne-a parasit decat fizic. Sufletul lui ne va urma in fiecare clipa, in eternitate! 

La nunta mea am avut un tablou cu o rama alba pe care invitatii au scris cate un gand pentru inceputul nostru de viata impreuna ... Tata a scris: “Respectati-va si veti fi fericiti Baby si Anisoara” Putini stiu ca aceasta era credinta lui de neclintit - ne spunea adesea ca dragostea dureaza 2 minute, dar respectul nu se stinge niciodata ... 

Astazi, la ziua lor aniversara, imi doresc sa fi stiut ce au simtit acum 50 de ani. Isi propuneau oare sa ajunga la 50 de ani? Probabil ca nu ... 

La fel de mult imi doresc sa fi stiut cum ar fi petrecut ziua de azi, daca ar mai fi fost inca impreuna ... Sigur tata ar fi organizat o petrecere frumoasa, i-ar fi cumparat mamei flori si probabil o bijuterie (cu siguranta un inel), si impreuna si-ar fi amintit de realizarile de peste ani. Ar fi mers probabil la biserica pentru nunta de aur ... 

Din pacate, viata are alte planuri si de contra noi nu ne putem pune, pentru ca e deseori mai puternica decat dorintele noastre ... Astazi, nu se poate sa ii avem alaturi pe amandoi si sa ii pretuim, fizic, asa cum ar merita-o, pentru o dragoste si o viata bogata si demna de respect, impreuna ... 

O facem insa din tot sulfetul, sprijinind-o pe mama cum putem, de unde putem, cu dor, cu drag, cu dragoste multa, cu lacrimi in ochi, si cu imbratisari calde, de oriunde ne-am afla ... 

Odihna lina tatei!

Mama, o zi senina, in care sa te bucuri de fericirea pe care ati cunoscut-o impreuna si sa plangi mai putin pentru dorul pe care cu siguranta il simti dureros ... Ati cladit o viata frumoasa, o generatie de copii frumosi si impliniti - bucura-te pentru realizarile facute impreuna si pentru fericirea care a fost ... 

Noi iti multumim, asa cum ii multumim si tatei, pentru tot ce ne-ati dat si pentru ceea ce suntem astazi. Nu ar fi fost nimic posibil fara voi si fara dragostea si respectul vostru reciproc ... 

Va iubim si te iubim si suntem mereu langa tine. Acum si in fiecare clipa. Mereu.