Monday, July 25, 2011

Forever

He would have been 40 today. In a strange, prophetic way, he always knew he won’t make it, though. And that, I think, makes it even sadder.

For over three years now, I have been thinking about him every day. And praying, as promised, for his strength, wherever he may be. I hope he has that … What we have here, after 3 years, is still less light, less spirit, a black cloud when we watch The Phillies win, or the Cavaliers lose, or …

I have thought of writing about today all day long, and I am still at a loss for words. A sense of deeper than deep unfairness that he didn't live to see today chokes me up! And how could it not?!

He is still very much alive, and very much, painfully gone, every day … It never gets easier. What they say about time healing wounds doesn’t work when someone slashes your throat to its core with pain, unfairness, helplessness …

The lessons he taught me in strength, friendship, forgiveness, courage allow me to move on, somewhat – but his loss is still crippling. Taking our loved ones for granted is not excusable anymore …

It’s hard to find the right words, because for a person like he was there will never be words big enough. The void left, too deep of a crater to fill … even with sentences …

The only things I could say have been said before – some of them in this song that one of his best friends sent me after the funeral. This song, and its lyrics “carried me through” the past years. Thank you, R.D. – you, as always, came through!

Rest in peace, my dear friend, and I hope you make another world out there brighter and happier just like you did ours …

All of my dreams
Seem to fall by the side
Like a discarded thought
Or the day's fading light
But I know that if I could just
See you tonight
Forever!

At times we may fall,
Like we all tend to do
But I'll reach out and find
That I've run into you
your strength is the power
That carried me through
Forever!

Your kindness for weakness
I never mistook
I worried you often,
Yet you understood
That life is so fleeting,
These troubles won't last
Forever!

Inspired me truly
You did from the start
To not be afraid
And to follow my heart
There's a piece of you with me
They can't tear apart
Forever!

In times we may fall
Like we all tend to do
Your strength is the power
That carried me through

Forever …

Forever I'll find you, forever we'll be
Forever your power and strength stays with me


(Dropkick Murphys – Forever)

Thursday, July 21, 2011

It’s Summer

No school buses to dodge on the way to work … No school news on the radio … Waking up in blinding sunlight even before 6 AM … Sound of fresh, full green leaves in the wind at the window … Cats are perky. Finally.

We hunt for fresh, local tomatoes and home made cheeses and pepper jellies at the Farmers’ Market, every chance we get. We go to “music in the park”. Parade of homes just happened.

We bought a grill and used it. Meat tastes different cooked in the heat. You absorb it through your pores, too, not just your taste buds. The smell of fresh peppers on a flame – like no other.

We got sunburned. We talk about camping and fireworks. We plan the next ball game – soon. Snow is still on the peaks. Still. We plan for street festivals. We ride the motorcycle. Finally.

We eat fresh strawberries and blueberries out of the yard. We watch our roses bloom, again and again. We have a garden! We put down mulch. We mow. We water every night. We’re waiting, patiently, for our first tomato harvest. It’s all about tomatoes, all of a sudden.

Neighbor’s kids are running through sprinklers screaming like it’s their last day on earth. Parents are happy to see them out of the house, and don’t care. Dogs are lazy.

We get the gnawing feeling that all this is but a dream or a blink in time ...

The a/c running in overdrive. Gas bill goes down. We drive to the ice cream parlor in the middle of the week, just because … it’s hot.

Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.” ~ Russel Baker

Sunday, June 19, 2011

An Unplanned Weekend

The rhythm of the weekend, with its birth, its planned gaieties, and its announced end, followed the rhythm of life and was a substitute for it.
(F. Scott Fitzgerald)

One thing I found funny about America back in my first days here, was that everyone would ask you at the office on a Friday “what are your plans for the weekend?”, and on Monday: “How was your weekend? What did you do?”. I guess this is a cultural thing – Americans don’t get a lot of time off, so they try to make it worth their while when they do get it – like during the weekend .



This is what the world around us looks like from the motorcycle ... And the dashboard, too ...

Although my husband and I try to do fun things during our time together, on most weekends, sometimes, we just plan nothing and let the days unfold as they may … and we end up doing a combination of (planned) chores, things that need to get done, and … surprises on the way …

This was such a weekend …

We walked into a public garden after sitting on a bench and eating sandwiches for Friday dinner … We went for a motorcycle ride to a local diner and for a ride in the countryside around us on Saturday. I also had the best sausage omelet and best hash browns I have had in a long while, too at this place! Yum!



Our breakfast destination: Model A Cafe, Mapleton, UT

We shopped for gifts for friends and shopped some for us, too, the same day, as well.
I gardened and he made wood things, too … just to keep our creative juices going, and our energy engaged.



Our very first strawberry, in our very new garden! It's working!!



Shopping for plants this weekend, we got this "money tree" at Lowes. Let the cash flow flood! We hope ...

We cooked and read and caught up with friends online on Sunday …
And that was about it …



Still experimenting with my "baby Canon", I had to take a close-up of my beautiful hibiscus plant - still amazed at the resolution!



We bought these bagged "sticks" in the spring, labeled "roses" at some garden store and put them in the ground. Now, we have this!

My favorite thing was probably the garden walk and the impromptu sandwich on Friday, and the persistent rain on Sunday, which made for a lazy morning … the motorcycle ride was, as always, awakening …



Another labor of love - my husband made this beautiful cherry wood bowl

Here’s to lazy, unplanned weekends! We re to plan life is so carefully, usually, that we can always use some productive (and refreshing) “chaos”, at least when we take some time off … Finally!



... and what's a lazy weekend without a lazy cat in your lap?! Here's Gypsy, in complete abandon ...

Friday, June 17, 2011

Chatting with God

This is a long overdue blog. But I wanted to stop for a minute, and before my memories get dusty, I wanted to record my very first trip to some beautiful, surreal places that not only this state that I live in but this planet has been blessed with.

Back in April, for our first anniversary, we took a weekend trip to the National Parks of Bryce and Zion, in Utah. We also saw a couple of smaller parks in the same area, Kodachrome and Coral Pink Sand Dunes. And of course we drove through just the mere beauty and wonder that lies in between.

We started the trip on a Thursday night, and we stopped for our first night in Bryce. The start was a bit rocky – as we got to our hotel, the hotel was pitch dark and there was a sign on the door that they are closed for the season. We made reservations online, and we had the confirmation, and we didn’t quite understand how this could happen. Luckily, a brand new Best Western was open across the street, and the stay was wonderful, after all. Some things work for the better, you know, even when they might seem that they start for the worse.

The next morning, Friday, we had breakfast at a local staple: Ruby’s Inn. This is a historic resort that bears the name of the old settling outside of Bryce Canyon Park. The name of the settling was changed to Bryce Canyon City not long ago. Breakfast was delicious, and the service was great, but what struck us was that at every table in the room you could hear a different language. From French to German to Japanese – we were for sure in Tourist Land!

Friday, we spent the whole day exploring Bryce Canyon. It’s a drive-in kind of a tour (or should I say “drive through”), so you just get in the car, and drive along the roadway, stopping every so often to an overview, to see the formations on the canyon. There are trails along the way, picnic sites and campgrounds, but we didn’t stop for any of those. We spent the whole day just driving, taking in the sights and stopping to shoot. Pictures, that is!

I had seen pictures of it before, but being there is another experience altogether! You are at the top of all these abysses, looking down on beautiful sculptures of red-yellow-and-white rock! Not two formations are alike and not two valleys resemble each other! The amazingly rich creativity of nature is just breathtaking! The hoodoos look much like sand castles, of piled up dirt, carefully dripped on top of each other in small piles till a huge pile formed, all cemented in millions of years of weather and waiting.

You see birds flying over the precipices, and nesting, snow (at that time) on the highest peaks, friendly deer crossing your path, and above everything, you hear nothing but silence! The wind was echoing in the rocky valley, and you heard nothing else. Maybe the occasional screaming bird, amazed at what’s underneath it, perhaps!



Bryce Canyon hoodoos - The Grottos - a formation that looked like ruins of a church

Not two overviews are alike! They all bear descriptive name, like “Sunset”, “Sunrise” Points, “Natural Bridge”, “Ponderosa Point”, “Black Bird”, “Rainbow Point”. They are all amazingly beautiful, and I am not even attempting to describe them, because no amount of words are enough to tell you about their serene exquisiteness. Pictures will have to do for now, until your next personal visit, so you can understand!

After the tour of the canyon was over, we headed towards the Kodachrome Basin State Park. This is a campground and a drive-in tour that bestows yet another new view of the red rocks of the Utah Desert. Again, we were amazed at the various rock shapes, sizes, and colors, as well as the vegetation that somehow finds a way to survive this disarmingly arid place!



Formations in the Kodachrome Basin

We had dinner that night at The Lodge – inside The Bryce Canyon Park. The place is almost like carved in the landscape around it – all rock and wood, with dimmed lights, wooden tables and large fireplaces. It was a cozy ending to a beautiful day.

At dinner, our restaurant manager asked us “are you doing Bryce first, and Zion second? Or are you coming from Zion?” – I guess it’s common to visit both parks in one trip, since they are less than two hours apart from each other. She also said “Well, Zion is the opposite of Bryce – at Bryce you’re at the top looking down. At Zion, you’re at the bottom, looking up”. I didn’t know it at the time, but that is in short the best description, in the fewest words, of the two parks.

The next morning, our anniversary morning, we could not believe the weather! A year before, we were in Greensboro, NC, on our wedding day, absolutely roasting, me, in sandals and a spaghetti strap dress. Now, a year later, we were in Utah, looking at snowy peaks and wearing winter jackets, scarves and socks and shoes! The temperature did rise during the day, and towards Zion, but it was brutally cold, for April 16, in Bryce!

On the way out of our hotel, we went to get ice, from the ice machine in the hallway. This German lady and her daughter came after us, to watch what we were doing. She asked “what do you do with the ice?”. We said we were making zipped bags of ice for the cooler, to keep drinks cold. She said, matter-of-fact-ly in a wondering tone: “You just get ice from this machine? Just ice?” We assured her that the machine did nothing else but give us ice. She nodded her head in disbelief: “It’s a big machine. Just for ice!!”. Remembering my European roots and how foreign of a luxury ice is back there, I can only imagine now how ridiculous we seem to people there for having this big a$ machine that does absolutely nothing else but produce … ice! Doesn’t feed anyone. Doesn’t heal anyone. Just eats up power (I am sure lots of it!) and makes … ice … Eye opening indeed!

En route to Zion National Park, we stopped at Coral Pink Sand Dunes. It’s a bit of a drive to find them, and you go through nothing but brush and desert. We stopped on the way just to capture some of the drive, and my husband stepped around this massive boulder in the middle of nowhere only to immediately warn me that we must get back at the car now, and we must leave. He was looking down at some creature eaten up by God knows what (bugs? Roaches? Coyotes? Rats? Snakes?) beyond recognition! Looking back now, I regret not taking pictures or looking at it myself, but at the time, his face, twisted with disgust, and the rising heat and the fact that there was not a soul around us, nothing but sky, sand, sage brush and silence, gave me enough panic to turn around and almost run!

Whenever I wonder in the desert, I am never bored! There is always something unexpected and wonderful about them!

Coral Pink Park is a completely different desert than any of the other ones I have seen in Utah! Whereas everywhere you see rocks, here, the rocks turned to powder as if a magic fairy shook her wand and turned everything to dust! Everything is soft and almost shapeless. Reminds you of the Sahara, except it’s pink not yellow. Or white. Lots of folks were camping around the dunes – which is very interesting to me. I usually look for a stream and for some shade when I camp. But these were folks riding ATV’s, so, they were looking for open dirt spaces! Sand dunes will offer that!



Coral Pink Sand Dunes State Park

After passing a buffalo farm and seeing more deer, we finally made it to Zion. It was National Park Week that day, so the entrance was free! We never knew about this – things you, once again, learn when you move a bit away from home, you know?!

This is where my story might get dramatic, but I don’t apologize for this! This is why I have sat so long on this story – because I have not been able to find the words to describe Zion and its first impact on me! Nothing I have seen or heard of before about it could have prepared me for the next two days!

We did spend some time in the city of Zion, which is very quaint and like no other small town I have seen – part desert scene, part Native American, part Hispanic, part old Western charm, it’s a melting pot of everything Southwestern and more. Everything we had to eat was different, fresh and delicious, and some of the best Mexican food we have ever had! Just walking the main drag, admiring the beautiful mountains and the unusual vegetation was refreshing. But the highlight of Zion and of this trip was The Park, of course.

“Zion” has come to mean to a lot of people sort of a spiritual homeland, a home coming, a safe heaven. I am not sure why, maybe it’s just reading too much before I actually got there, but that’s exactly the feeling I felt when I entered it. It was awe-striking, it was heart stopping, and jaw dropping. Butterflies in the stomach and tears in your eye. Amazement that such beauty exists and that such perfection! You felt small, and protected and spellbound and like you don’t want to leave ever, because where else would you want to be?!



Buffalo farm, outside Zion National Park

You first come to the Checkerboard Mesa, a monolith of amazing proportions, that almost blocks the access in the park. And that’s just the illusion. In Zion you feel about a hundred times that you are at the end of the road, and you just come to yet another curve in the road. The road keeps winding, digging through the valley, digging through massive rocky mountains and pulling you through at the other end of it, in the small city of Zion.

I am not sure how to describe what I saw with my own eyes. I had this feeling when I first saw the “mountain of cotton”, Pamukkale, or the ancient city of Ephesus, in Turkey, several years ago, and also when I saw The London Bridge, The Tower of London, Quebec City, and when I climbed on top of the World Trade Center, or when I saw The Statue of Liberty for the first time. This sort of amazing feeling that I am out of my body, that this body that grew up in a small Romanian city and read about these amazing things in books and newspapers cannot possibly stand now in front of these almost fictional sites! It was a feeling of being out of touch, and yet enjoying the reality of it!

I didn’t say much, the whole time we were in the park! I just could not stop taking everything in and taking pictures! Just like the manager said: you were at the bottom looking up, and I have never seen mountains that high and so … naked! There is nothing but rock! Huge, amazing amounts of rock , one on top of each other. You can see the history of the planet in the hundreds of colors of layers in every wall that blocks your view … You are so close to them, and they are so huge you feel like they’re leaning on top of you and they’re going to tumble any minute now! But you know they’ve stood there for ages, and they won’t!

There are two tours in Zion – one that you drive yourself through, on the valley floor, and another one where you have to take the shuttle which drives towards and passed Zion Lodge and through the narrow canyons. The shuttle is taking people on the second loop to reduce pollution and road congestion from too many cars. We did the first tour on Saturday, and the shuttle ride with the stops on Sunday.

On both tours, you had the chance to hop out and either walk trails, or have a picnic. There is also a sizable campground inside the park, as well. On day two, when we rode the bus, we stopped at two places that will stay with me forever, although the whole park is imprinted in my memory!

The Temple of Sinawava is a last stopping point on the bus tour. There is a huge waterfall jumping into the Virgin River, right before you head on the trail towards The Narrows – a dangerous and most traveled trail. The wall of the waterfall reminds me of a church’s altar with the plunging organ in the background – I suspect hence the name. We saw wild turkeys, squirrels, lizards and yet more black birds here, as well, right off the trail.



The waterfall at Temple of Sinawava

Another beautiful spot is The Weeping Rock, another gorgeous waterfall – we were terribly lucky, we found out, that the water was pouring out of the rocks on this one! Utah being mostly a dry state, there is a very slim chance you get to see waterfalls going unless it’s right after winter – so, we were in luck! We climbed the trail up to The Rock, and we walked behind the water fall, almost getting soaked. But just being so close to rock, so sturdy, and water, so ephemeral was an amazing feeling.



"The Weeping Rock" - from the trail that leads behind the fall

All the stopping points and overviews have a religious resonance here, as you might expect, perhaps: “Altar of Sacrifice”, “The Sentinel”, “The Great White Throne”, “Angels Landing” (where you can see rock climbers hang on to a perfectly vertical 6000 ft drop and condors diving into the valley), “The East/ West Temple”, “Court of the Patriarchs”. And it all feels surreally divine.

It’s when I see such beauty in nature, such perfection, such detail and such ornate and minute arrangement of colors and sizes and shapes that I have no doubt that this world is not and can never be just an accident! It’s at a time like this that I feel small, insignificant, and yet blessed, that I am, too, part of the whole that was created along with this beauty, as a work of a greater power … And I just bow in meekness!

Laurence Sterne said: “I once asked a hermit in Italy how he could venture to live alone, in a single cottage, on the top of a mountain, a mile from any habitation? He replied that Providence was his next-door neighbor. “

Now, I understand!



One last look at Zion: The Zion Mount Carmel Tunnel - you see that very small "hole" in the massive wall? It is a window inside the tunnel. The tunnel runs the length of this mountain, but it could not, of course, fit in one shot! Please click on the picture for the whole album of this amazing trip.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Garden in the Desert. It Is Possible.

"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments." -- Janet Kilburn Phillips

You might remember that last year I was fighting the desert and the rocky yard, to get some green going in our surroundings, or to at least clean out the junk and the rocks.



Our blooming pear tree

After a year of digging up stones, I am happy to say … I am still digging up stones in our yard. But unlike the desperation I have felt last year, I feel sort of a sense of peace now: the rocks are there to stay. They were here first and they will be there forever, I have learned. It’s not just me, it’s everyone around us, apparently. Man against stone yield winning stone. That’s what the rocky (and otherwise beautiful) landscape of Utah is. We were here second, and if we want to eat, we need to learn to work around them. Just dig, "fluff" up the soil, remove the rocks and hope. Hope big!


Hibiscus plant in our front porch planters

Some things have taken root. Some things baked in the sun – like some herbs in some containers even, because of the scorching sun, and some flowers that were always perennials, as far as I could tell, in NC, died after the first frost in UT.


Back yard trees, bushes and veggie garden to the right

We have had our frustrations. And our lessons. But we built up courage this (second) year to plant a few things in our yard. We put in a fence, for more privacy, and we planted some trees, fruit trees, evergreen bushes, and even a veggie garden. It’s all started to take shape and it’s a beautiful oasis in the world around us, otherwise very yellow and … well, rocky!


Veggie garden: tomatoes, peppers, squash, herbs and onions

The picking of the plants, and the building of the garden felt so therapeutic! We shopped around for what grows around here and we narrowed it down to our budget, preferences and to "what stays green the longest" - if that's an official criterion. I have wanted a veggie garden, too, so we took some chances, and planted some of those, too – and we will just wait and see what happens.


Front yard feature bed: Japanese maple with juniper bush and hand picked Utah rocks

We did it together, sort of like our project for planting roots in a new ground! It was beautiful. I am really, really proud of it! We still have weeds around and no official “lawn”, but to us, it’s a world of difference! It’s green and the birds love it, and we have worms, and it all breathes relief and joy! I don't see sod or a sprinkler system in our near future, but I see letting the ground be, and seeing what it offers us. We also have tomatoes, and peppers and dill and squash and evergreen bushes and trees, too! A world of possibilities, now!


Bloom of the mountains - columbine, in our front porch planters

We have not had many sunny, warm days this spring. But in the few we “stole” from the calendar, we could plant, and dig, and fertilize, and prune, and pick plants and put them in. Together. Our new life , before our eyes. Seeded.


Happy birds, in our back yard trees, against the new fence

Friday, May 13, 2011

Just Sharing. Gratefully.

Not sure if any of you keep track of this, but I am saying this yet again: if there is one thing that shocks me about America and Americans 13 years after landing here is the same thing that shocked me 13 years ago, on my first day: the entitlement attitude. The already oh so cliché taking for granted of everything. And I mean everything. The overwhelming and emotionally draining (to me) un-appreciative nature of almost anyone I know that’s born here.

In so many ways, I am so lucky to have Aa. for my husband, for his many, innumerable qualities. But one quality without which I would not have married him is … that he is a total opposite of the attitude and nature described above. His mindfulness. And gratitude. His awareness of people less fortunate than ourselves. His humble-ness.

And his newest blog speaks for this. I hope you find this to be true, too. It's lengthy, but I think it's worth it.

Enjoy!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

After a Year

It’s been exactly a year today since that first Honey Baked ham sandwich in our new home, together, as husband and wife. It’s been a wonderful, scary and eventful journey.

Life is beautiful anywhere you make it that way! We have meandered through challenges and happy moments, through lows and highs, through losses and gains. But most of all, I think we have learned that no matter what the outside world will give us, we have each other and with a positive attitude, patience, understanding and love we can get through everything.

After a year, I still miss NC. Maybe more than when I left. I miss my friends, and I miss just the warm (literally and figuratively) culture of The South. I miss the food. And the sweet, sweet wine. As a general observation, Utah has not been as warm and friendly as I was used to before. We love to travel, though, and Utah is located at the perfect crossroads of beauty and wonder, so we have taken to the roads or the skies, when the small town we live in becomes too tight. We’re grateful to have a beautiful home to come to after each trip.

People are not very friendly here, especially to strangers, and we stick out as a sore thumb, for our social drinking, lack of kids and the fact that we don't open our doors to strangers (read: missionaries). But we’re grateful for the few friends we do have and for the times they share with us over birthdays, holidays and just tired, slow Saturdays, after a long week. We also like the weather, the mountains, the streams, the beautiful cities of Park City, Salt Lake, even Heber and Midway. We love the columbines and the desert plants. And the birds! Oh, the beautiful multicolored birds!

We have learned to tame our soil and actually planted some roots this year! We have built a fence – to make better neighbors, you know. We have shoveled snow and mowed grass. We have taken care of what’s ours. We have decorated our home together. We have celebrated Thanksgiving, and Christmas and Easter in our new home. We’re a true family now, you could say.

It’s been a great year! I don’t think we’ll have many years as full of this first one, but we will keep it interesting, I am sure. We’re still, in a lot of ways, learning the culture around us, and trying to make not just our address a home, but the larger world of our town and county.

I am speaking for both of us, I think, when I say that we don’t know what the future might bring, and we might not even make Utah our “forever” home, the home state where we’re going to retire in, or be buried in, but in the meantime, we’re making it a cozy getaway, a welcome refuge at the end of the day, a nice place to come to after a long journey. Hopefully. We’re ready for more ham sandwiches and sweet California wines in our humble abode, which had us with open arms a year ago today.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Ever Elusive ...

I am not sure why ... but every time I see a rainbow it just makes my day! It could be the hardest day at work, or - worse - in life ... and it just makes me smile with hope.

There is something about their ephemerality, their immateriality, their magic and elusiveness that fascinates us, I think. So close to us, so visible, and yet ... so impossible to touch. Just like happiness. Fleeting.

I caught a glimpse - literally, as they are so short lived - of one today, and I managed to snap some pictures while rushing home from work, at 70 mph down the highway.

And in just of a bit of irony: who would have thought that the end of one would be smack dab in the middle of a ... WalMart parking lot of all places in the world?!




Apologies for the qualities of the pics (click on picture for more) - as I have said, I was driving very fast, amongst traffic, and had only my little baby Canon on hand ...

Friday, April 01, 2011

Good Morning, Life!

I have never been one to have many regrets. For those who know me, I hope they know that is an understatement. But this gnawing feeling of "missing" or "want" has been bugging me lately. Just mourning over my old life in NC, missing my friends, my foods, my wines, feeling sorry for myself for not being able to sell the old house - and all ...

But then, some mornings, when the clouds don't rest on The Valley, I wake up to this view, out of my back door. Every morning, I wake up next to a man who adores me and makes me so happy. And my face then grows into a smile.



I read the other day that "life is not what is, but how you deal with it". But sometimes, life is really what "is". And mine, right now, is pretty breathless.


Saturday, March 12, 2011

Thawing Out

The heads of new grass have yet not peeked. No blooms. No bright colors. All is muted. Sound and stain.

The buds are still small and almost shrink wrapped in tiny nuggets on coarse and naked twigs. The soil is moist and sink-y. Your feet collapse in the mush. Some patches of snow still persist. Some snowy peaks still endure.

The trees are silent and bare. The stream is flowing with fresh, noisy water from melting snow.

And snow … is melting. We knew winter had no force anymore, judging by the immediate meltdowns right after huge dumps, but it was good to see whole mountain faces bare of snow.

The land is quiet. Nothing but wood, rock and brown, withered brush … Everything is still asleep … No noise but our footsteps on dirt roads.

Some folks are out – still shy at picnicking, some are fishing, lonely in newly swollen streams, and some are just joyriding, getting lost on lonely back roads. The big, boisterous voices of summer are silent.

Not many creatures. Other than birds. But signs of them everywhere – manure, and holes dug in the ground, and mini-trails, and hoof prints. Cacti chewed up and spit out… Skulls … feathers stuck on rocks …

The tired winter is dying … No promise yet of anything anew. But small patches of fresh blue skies are whispering possibility …



Comfort and style: wooden chair awaiting its visitors at a camp site. Click on the picture for the whole day in images ...

Friday, March 11, 2011

Living in Small Town America ...

… or how I have not worked for Kmart yet and how I found baby chicks for sale

If you judge the speed of living here, in Spanish Fork, UT, by the speed of the Utah drivers, you would be dead wrong. Utah drivers zoom up and down our roads like crazy madmen of the NYC cab driver fame. No regard to the other folks on the road, road signals or traffic lights. Life’s pace here, however, has nothing to do with such speed.

It has more to do with the speed of one eating an ice cream for fear of a brain freeze. Or the speed of a lazy day in The Caribbean at an all- inclusive resort, where all your needs are taken care of. Or the speed of a Galapagos turtle. Or that of a very old man with bad joints. You get the picture, right?!

I used to pop into a grocery store for a “few things” in NC and be in and out in less than 10 minutes! No cart, no basket. Just grab a few items and move on. A similar adventure here will take at least half an hour if not more.

You have to navigate first through the sea of toddlers and running kids. Then, the carts full of them occupying the aisles. Then, there is always just one register open, maybe two, at rush hour. You wait in line and every single person in front of you has a “special situation”: coupons don’t work, they meant to buy something else, so they’re sending the older kid for the right item while the cashier is stuck closing the order; the kid comes back with two items of which neither is right. So, now mom goes to the shelf and has the kid watch the others in the cart. A baby just barfed and they need wipes and paper towels to clean up.

And the check writing! Everyone writes checks here, of course! Since the memo of “plastic” has not made it this far. Apparently.

God help you if an item doesn’t ring up right and you need an adjustment! The cashiers can do nothing. They have to wait for the manager to correct it, or sometimes, they have to wait for the manager to come unlock their phone so they can call “in the back” to give you the right price. And don’t even get me started on how slow the cashiers move here.

One day, I bought a 12 pack of beer. It was bottles, so granted, it was heavy. But I weigh less than 110 pounds, right? And picked it up just fine, carried it in my hand to the checkout counter, and was planning to carry it out to the car in my hand, too. The 18 year or so old girl who checked my order out declared the pack too heavy. So, she called this other cashier from another counter (who was in the middle of checking out another person – and it’s rush hour, so they’re both busy!) to move my pack across the belt, since it was “too heavy”. Now … I have seen job applications before and had to answer questions about “how many pounds I can lift”, right?! So, now, I needed to wait for the guy to finish with his customer so he can help my lady. I cannot tell you how long that took, because it always seems longer to me than it actually is. I offered to help, but could not get behind the register and you guessed it, there was no “scanning gun”!

And being a small town, everyone knows everyone. So, three times out of five when you shop anywhere, the customers know the cashiers. And they get into these long, and s-l-o-w conversations about everything. Their relatives, their kids, and how many they have and how many are still being planned, and that lady at church who sprained a hip last week, and bishop this and sister that, and … And you’re waiting, with your eggs in your hand in the “express line” and ponder upon the irony of its name!

I think people react slowly here, too. At least too slow for me. At some point in my unemployed life here, I wanted to apply for a part time job at Kmart. It is literally 3-4 minutes from my house, and I figured, it will kill some time while allowing me to people watch at least and have some much needed extra cash. So, I dress up almost like going to a job interview, right?! – not too crazy though, it’s Kmart, not Bank of America, but I want to look serious.

I walk in the store, prepared to fill out one of those in-store applications. I go to the customer service area where such an application can be filled. Here, three “associates” are standing around chatting. One of them holding a bunch of socks to be put back on the shelf, I guess, back of the hand on hip, one of them typing into a computer, and one of them making chewing gum balloons. They stop the chat when they see me. But that’s all they do. To the right of the customer service desk was the “applications” computer - absolutely buried under “stuff”: boxes of shoes, cereal, paper towels, etc. You could not see the keyboard, the monitor, nor the chair in front of it from all these things.

There is a long ad on the wall next to the computer about how an application should be filled and what not, and I am reading this ad. I take my purse off my shoulder thinking they’d figure out that I am interested and want to sit down and apply. I make eye contact with them, and smile. Reach in my purse for my wallet so I can get my id out. All three ladies are looking at me intently. Then at each other. Another balloon pops. Hand on hip lady sways to left and right. They look at me. Up … and … then … down. I am, oh, maybe 3 feet away from them if that. They make no attempt to clear the application desk, or talk to me. They just stare. And we do this dance for about 3-4 minutes (again: time is not relevant; “a while”, let’s say!). I say nothing, still reading the ad, purse and wallet in my hand. And then I decide to walk away. No “can I help you?”, no “do you need help with anything?”, when they evidently noticed me (they stopped talking to each other even) means “you really do not need this right now. Maybe next time.” So, I walk away. And get a job offer the next week.

Today, another reminder of my small town surroundings. We have a store here that I didn’t know existed in NC, it’s called The C-A-L Ranch Store . You guessed it – there are a lot of farms around here. From the outside it looks almost like your regular Home Depot or Lowes store. They have everything farm-related in here, from equipment and nuts and bolts to build barns to saddles and outfits, from jewelry to cowboy boots. The ranch store also has pet food, so I go there often for my cat food. Today, I waltzed in and loved the price for the huge rose bushes (less than $6!) and walk on towards the back of the store where kitty food lives.

On the way there, I see this:



... live chicks and ducklings!



Is this a fair price for chickens?
Love the line on black background, too: Indeed.

I have friends who have chickens and I always wondered “where in the world you’d buy them, unless you go ON a farm, or to the Farmers’ Market?!”. To see them in a brick-and-mortar store that you drive up to, park in an assigned spot and buy pet food from was like seeing your first UFO! They had tons of them! ALL sorts of colors: white, yellow, black, brown AND … ducklings! Oh, and they were cute – as you can see! So, now I know where you can buy them. I can probably have them in our yard, but no thank you. I think my husband tolerates the cats well, but would have me relocated if I brought chickens along, too.

I remember seeing an episode of Twin Peaks many years ago, while living in Romania. This one scene stuck with me over the years. The first thing I noticed when watching it was its stark contrast with the speedy American movies I was used to – everything in it was moving VERY slow. And I thought to myself: “I wonder if this is how they move and talk in small town America, versus the big cities”. Now, years later, and after almost a year in “small town America”, I can tell you I was right in my guess!



This is the Twin Peaks scene I was talking about, and my new, everyday "pace"

There is a certain charm to all this slowing down, sure. You can really see the beauty around you, and hear your heart beat – it helps to acknowledge that once in a while. But I am still learning to put on my brakes. It’s not easy to do after rushing around for 36 years. Not to mention that I was not born with the patience gene, either!

It’s fun to discover all these realities that I never knew existed, too (if only they’d move faster!). I am not worried that it’ll all become boring, because life is just as interesting as however many people are in the world. If we only had time to acquaint all 6 billion of them!

So, I disagree with whomever said that “I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.” You never know what the ranch store will bring in next time!

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

A World of Thanks

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” (Orson Welles)


There have been more women who have inspired me than I can count in a whole book. There are innumerable the thanks I would have to give to all them for everything they have given me. Let it be known now that I would never attempt to name all of the good they have done for me – I would never finish, in several lifetimes.

But today, on the occasion of Woman’s Day, I want so say some (very!) brief thank you’s to those most important to me, and to remember at least one thing they each shared with me, whether knowingly or otherwise.

I thank my mom first for having the courage to have me. And then the double courage of raising me and shaping me into who I am. If wit can be taught, she taught me that! And she taught me to believe in myself. Long before Scarlett O’Hara, she taught me that I can do pretty much anything anyone else can, just the same, if not better - if I only try!

My sister has taught me more than anything in the world how to love unconditionally. Her giving-ness and love are boundless. Her faith in human goodness is impeccable and the beauty of her heart has only become brighter every year.

My aunt, whose birthday is today, too, has taught me patience. No other human being has shown me more saintly patience than her! Through her many physical challenges, and through her many losses she has remained calm, and stoic, just like a nun, almost, with the belief that tomorrow will be another day, and better.

My maia, now gone, has taught me not only hard work, but also pampering! A woman is supposed to be industrious as well as beautiful. She taught me my hands need to always look like a lady’s hands, even if they come from scrubbing the floors. And my face needs to look pretty even after a long sickness. It’s not vanity; it’s just self respect.

My bica has taught me will. She taught me, and everyone else around her, that being under 5 ft tall doesn’t mean you can be left unnoticed! You can have a big mouth to make up for your lack of height. She is my 4ft 8in powerhouse role model – you can pack a lot of might in that little body, when there is will!

My friend E. R. has taught me how beautiful it is to be a cynical optimist. She taught me that you always have to look at life crookedly, just like life seems to treat you, but to always put your pink glasses on and try to find something good in what lays ahead. She blesses me everyday with her beauty of a person, eruditeness and thirst for life! I am SO blessed to know her!

My friend T.B. has shown me how to be a superwoman! Yeah, sure, you can work 24/7 in one or two or three jobs, have a beautiful family, go to all the social events you’re invited to, answer emails on time, plant a veggie garden AND knit a sweater in less than a week, too! Of course you can. She has taught me how to fit 36 hours worth of work into 24 and still look pretty! The secret is into putting your heart into everything you do.

My friend B.C. has taught me wisdom - which I so sorely lack! Just like many of my women friends, she has had many a challenges in her life, and through it all she has come out shining – with more vigor, and more optimism (she would not use that word!) and more polish than anyone I know. She looks for meaning into life’s deepest, darkest corners and she finds it. And once she does, it all makes sense, and you will never look at life again in the same light. She is a treasure and a true original!

My friend C.D. has taught me resilience. Life was not often kind to her, but she never lost her hope and her faith in something better. She is a true fighter.

My former teacher, M.T., has given me the gift of writing – one without which I am not sure where I would be today. She was the first one to believe I could do it, and encourages me with every chance she gets to persist. She has always believed in me, and I always know I have her ear when I doubt my abilities. Means the world to me, in the darkness of doubt.

My friend R.T. has given me … a friend for life. I always know she will be there for me, no matter how far I move and no matter how puny my matters are. The simple honesty we share is a bond for long years to come.

My friend K.M. has shown me the blessing of forgiveness and how powerful it is. Forgiveness does not mean breaking down and burying who you are, but crowning who you are as a superior being. It requires an unbelievable amount of strength and patience, but once done, you’re simply and nobly indestructible!

Last but not least, my mother in law has taught me everything one would need to know about never, ever, ever giving up, no matter what challenges you have, especially physical ones. As long as there is breath in your body and you have a will to move, you can do so, and train your body to listen! She is my every day inspiration to make the first step even when it hurts!

There are many women who have helped me professionally and otherwise, but the whole internet space would not be enough to enumerate all of them or what they have meant for me.

You all know who you are, and you all know I am always here for you, whenever you need a friend, an honest opinion on a dress, a good Romanian homemade dish, or someone to just sit there and shut up for a change! Those of you who truly know me also know I can, in fact, shut up, too.

I thank you all for being, and for crossing your paths with me. One can ever be so blessed as to know ALL of you in ONE lifetime!

Happy new spring, to all, and may you all know all the blessings you shared with me, and the world, tenfold!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A Sad Day for Memories (and Books)

I know that you have heard the phrase “it’s an end of an era” and you think it’s either cheesy or obsolete. But in my opinion … it’s truly descriptive, too, and for just a second, when you hear it next time, (really) take a moment and (seriously) think about it! Think about its true meaning when someone uses it because it’s really … the end of an “era”. An era, with everything it brought and stood for, someone’s hopes, desires, white nights’ planning, someone’s dreams – just … closed! Gone. Vanished. Nothing but a memory now. You can’t even share it with your kids!

With Blockbuster closing stores all over the nation weeks ago and Borders doing the same by the end of April, the word of the day at my house is “sad”. I still refuse to “sign up” for mail videos and monthly fees! I want a movie when I want a movie, not because I have that membership that needs to pay off by the end of the month! Some months, I won’t want any movie at all. And call me crazy, but I like browsing by touching. Reading the back of things. Flipping through pages. Sometimes, in my shallow days (clear throat), I like to rent a movie or buy a book by just letting what’s on the cover guide me … Back and front.

And things get progressively worse for me when books, or papers, or any of the printed word is in danger of being dumped into “the past”. So, closing a bookstore is like national mourning day for me. One of my childhood dreams is to work in a bookstore or a library! As in a “real” one. Not the "click" and “add to cart” kind …

And Borders (just like Barnes and Noble, for another instance) is more than just “books”. In my old hometown (Greensboro, NC), Borders was a place of refuge and a second home. With nothing to do on a Sunday afternoon, I’d wander in there to browse the bargain shelves and the new releases.

I will never forget that Borders was in fact the first brick-and-mortar cd store I have ever browsed in my whole life. It was not Best Buy or … some other designated “music” store, but Borders. Just picture Alice in Wonderland and that was me in front of the cd racks! “Wow, they have a whole store full of shelves of these?!”. And you could slip the headphones on and preview what you bought. Atlanta, GA - 1998.

Borders was that place I went to to decompress after an intense movie, because it was next door to a movie theater I frequented. Or that place I went to to kill some time if I was too early for the movie! Borders was a great place, for a single, bored, gal, to people watch and have blind dates, even. For some reason, I never picked Barnes & Noble for blind dates! Too crowded, I guess! And I loved watching people who read. And browse the “real” things. That’s what formed me, that’s what put me through school and gave me an education – real, paper books with real, smelly ink on them. Being close to that culture was sybaritic to me.

The Borders in my new hometown is not closing - at least not yet – and I am grateful for that. But I am still sad to see a place that had so many avenues for dreaming open for so long say “good bye”.

I am hoping bookstores and libraries are never becoming a has been in my lifetime! I love the smell of books, old and new, still. Nothing, no amount of Yankee Candle factory made smells can replace that!

Today is a perfect day to volunteer to work for a local library – which is exactly what I did over lunch. Put my name on the list for two of them. Just to be close to real books and people who read them.

Good bye, (Greensboro) Borders! And thank you for the memories.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Visiting the Neighbors

On a day like today, I remember my dad saying: "Damn, America is beautiful!". And he is not known for positivity, nor being too generous with compliments!

It was a cold day today. Maybe it got up to low 40's, but out there, on The (Utah) Lake, it felt like low 30's. It was a bright day, one of those many days in Utah where you cannot tell whether your eyes are going bad or the sun is really too brutal for them.

On such a day, I saw a glimpse of a promise of another year of great outdoors shooting in this beautiful back yard of ours that we call our state. We didn't go far. Maybe 20 miles from our house, maybe less. But there was breathtaking beauty everywhere.

I'll let our pictures tell you the story of a gorgeous late winter-early spring day. Many thanks to my husband, Aa., for his contributions to this album.

Enjoy!

Utah Lake was half frozen and dead and half alive with calm, fresh waters, under a clear blue sky, with just enough clouds to make it interesting:

















Not many people at the lake today, but some footprints on its frozen part of it gave them away:



Some of the feathered creatures were out, and they were very happy for the sun:






On our way back home, we took some farm pictures - we wake up with this under our bedroom window, every morning. Yep, we made it out West, undoubtedly:





(I love this red tractor! It looks beautiful in any season, against the mountains ...)

What can spell "Utah" more clearly, other than mountains, cowboys riding, seagulls and prairie grass?!



Click on this last picture, to see the whole day.