From My Sister, on April 9th

Whatever I wanted to blog about today pales in comparison to the most thoughtful letter I got from my sis. 
Love you, A., forever and ever ... 

From my sister on my birthday:

I wanted to write a blog for my sister’s birthday since for the past year she wrote one blog for every person in our family’s birthday and I figure it’s not fair to have wonderful blog posts with such kind and heartwarming thoughts for every person and not for her in our family. I don’t know if I have the same skills as she has in blogging, especially in English, but I’ll try my best. 

Ever since I can remember, she was there. Now, you know your first memories, fuzzy and all unclear, coming back in bits and pieces, in emotions and smells. I’ve never been able to clearly dissociate in my mind which person appeared in my very first memory, my mother, my father, my grandmother, my grandfather, our nanny or even my grand-grandmother as they were all there in my first years taking care of us. But I guess it was her as she was always there, in all those bits of images and pictures scattered in my memory. 

I used to see her like kind of me, a child, but so much older and wiser! Somebody that I can look up to, I can follow, I can copy! Sometimes too bossy and annoying, sometimes so loving and caring, but so comforting that she was there.

I remember her curly thick black hair that everybody admired and I was so jealous of, her white skin and red cheeks, I used to see her like Snow White! Because she was the one telling me stories, introducing me to Snow White, Red Riding Hood or Cinderella. 

I remember that moment, many years later in my teenage years when we were all alone in a summer student seaside camp and stayed up on the beach to see the sunrise over the Black Sea and, like in childhood, she began to tell me princess stories. I have my life moments that I like to cherish forever and like to encapsulate in a magic box and that particular one is definitely one of them. I remember that sense of peace, of perfection of being loved and cared for. I was the little sister away from home and needing comforting. No one can tell stories like she can! Two years ago we watched again together the sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean, we always chase that special moment, I guess, that we shared so many years before and I hope we can chase many more from now on. 

She taught me how to write and read. She always took her role as a big sister very seriously. I didn’t dare not listen. And still she was the first one I could exercise my rebellious nature with. Was much easier than with adults, haha.

I remember how I envied her good grades, her work ethic, her perseverance. Despite her challenges, her health that was never perfect, she was brave and she worked twice as hard as others. That’s maybe why she expects much of others too. I remember feeling lucky that I was not the one inheriting the highest cholesterol in the family and condemned forever not to be able to enjoy life to the fullest, but at the same time I felt guilty. But also I felt in awe about all her accomplishments and how she approached this terrible, condemning and limiting disease. She taught me how to approach pain, suffering, life in general, with that stubbornness and courage.

She was born to be the big sister, the leader. The one with her head on her shoulders and feet firmly on the ground, the practical one, able to repair a car if she puts her mind to it, the one with answers to every question and solution to every problem. I was not always listening but I found myself later forced to recognize she was right all along.

I remember the good times, family vacations, discovering life together, reading philosophy till late at night, debating Cioran and Eliade, doing homework side by side, discovering The Doors or Led Zep, crying at Schindler’s List, going up the mountains and walking the beaches, visiting Europe and later US and Canada together.

Realizing together the greatness of life, the beauty of this Earth, sharing our passion for travelling and nature. Making plans together, waiting for life to happen.

Remembering falling asleep with Dolly, our cat, between the two of us, purring. The mornings I woke up early and she would sleep till later. The week-end morning coffees on the balcony, lazy vacation days painting our toe nails and watching MTV UK. We were different and so completing each other. Her constant chatter about everything and everybody, me listening. How I missed all that when she left the country.

In my final French exam in high school they asked me to talk about a person or a personality that I most admire. Could be Ghandi, Einstein, Jeanne d’Arc, a family member or a rock star. I talked about my sister.  I could just not think about someone else I admire more. I was in awe at 3 years old when I opened my eyes to the world, still in awe at 18, although sometimes in our teenage years we threw ourselves in terrible fights. We just knew we loved each other so much, no matter what.

Then we parted ways. She left Romania at 22. She was so brave and so daring, she chased her dreams, even though frightening. First time in my life I could feel true anxiety for I felt like a part of myself was all alone wandering in another part of the world. She was this this small fragile looking young girl, trying to build a life in a strange land, away from everybody and everything she knew until then. But if anyone can make it out there in the wild world, than this would be my strong willed, good sense, courageous sister.

And I started to miss her so much. She used to write long e-mails that I would print and read to our relatives. My grandma was always crying while I read and I felt sometimes I was grasping for air. We wished we were there with her, I’m sure she went through rough times, terrible loneliness, health problems and we were so far away.

Life was kinder at some point and she met her wonderful husband, I moved to Canada so we were a little bit closed, I had my 2 sons and discovered an incredibly loving and caring auntie in her!

And then she had the heart surgery, I remember I could not even speak or think clearly in the days before the surgery without feeling like it’s not enough air to breathe. That fear, the impossible thoughts. And still I was confident that she will fight this like she fought all her battles in her life. She fought tooth and nail since she was little, fiercely, the odds, the disease, the genetics, anyone and anything. And sure enough she made it through and she continues the fight, day after day.

That’s probably one of the most important lessons I learned from her, to fight and to be brave, to take full advantage of the good things.  

I have been starting this blog, although I don’t have a blog, a while ago beginning, of March or so. In another time, another world it seems. The world now on April 8 is so much different than the world on March 6, at least my world, my reality, my day to day as probably is for pretty much everyone else. Now we’re in the middle of a pandemic.

I was thinking though that my sister somehow, again, prepared me for these terrible times . Not only that she always was a germophobe and always trying to make me aware that I should be careful in the airports, in the airplanes, in hotels, pretty much everywhere and stop touching everything (hey I’m the little sis, I still need to touch everything!). Not only that I need to always plan for worst but hope for the better, but probably the most important lesson was not to ever take the life and the health for granted. It is so precious, so fragile. Not to forget to stop and appreciate the sunbeam in the morning, the cat purring, the crisp air of the mountains, the bird singing and the sunrise over the sea. Not to forget to be there for our loved ones. Year after year, even though she is far away, even when she had heart surgery, she sends handwritten cards, she sends gifts to the whole family, to friends. Never missed one Christmas, never missed one Easter, never missed one birthday, never missed one March 8 or St Patrick lately, never missed one anniversary. Because yes, that’s important! Life is important, celebrating and cherishing it is so important, so precious. You actually can enjoy this precious gift one day and lose it tomorrow, so fast.

So thank you sis for all the great lessons you taught me ever since I can’t remember!

I love you so much and hope you’ll have a wonderful birthday!