Thoughts on the Cusp of the New Year

Disclaimer: I have had this blog cooking in my head for a few days. Last night, I came up with a killer title for it. Today, the tile is completely gone. I cannot remember even one word of it. I hope the compromise one I chose instead will still do. 

On every New Year's Eve, I always ponder upon our lives, our journeys, and the accomplishments or lack thereofs in the year closing. So, today is no different than any of the other 40+ Eve's that I have left behind me.

But I think this past year (2017), I have asked myself more the questions of “why?”, “why now?, “why us?” more than any other year in my life. As the world seems to grow smaller, and angrier, and more crowded, less patient, and less respectful, I wonder daily what is the purpose of us all, and what kind of cataclysm doomed us to whatever it is happening now and whatever might be coming up next.

2017 has been a year of everything for us. As any life goes, it's been a year of amazing personal peaks and disappointing lows: we saw some new countries to us, we have seen most of our close family, some of which we had not seen for years, we made closer friends, we did some good for our charities, it was my first (air) travel year after my surgery and it all went well. I almost did manage to go through the year without an ER visit, all the way until the very end. But I was happy that the one ER visit I did have was not heart-related. Or at least not directly.

But personally, we have also seen some of the lowest lows, too: the insecurity and uncertainty of losing a job, the horror of a cancer diagnosis amidst our close family members, the need to uproot once again (at 40 something and 50 years of age) to settle in a new state – this last one is more of a bitter-sweet transition, rather than a low point, or at least we hope it is not all low.

All this, while the world seems to spin faster and faster out of control! And I am not sure whether it's just aging, but this year, for the first time, I felt like the state of the world affects the state of my being more than ever!

I don't think globalization can be stopped or changed anymore: used to be that events that happened in other countries had no potential of ever affecting us. But that is not the case anymore. What happens in Iran, Iraq, Korea, Japan, Israel, Russia, the UK, France, you name it … can affect us here, in a small town in NC, or AL, or anywhere nondescript. If this past year has taught us anything is that the world is our oyster. For better or worse!

With social media and its free and available nature, we are constantly exposed to evil, from near and far. Why do people choose evil over good is still beyond me!

I know people who unconditionally believe in the good in all of us. I have had doubts my whole life about this, but it must be true: if it true that we all come from God, then it must be true that we all have some good in all of us. What I fail to see lately is people finding that good that's already inside them and greeting the world with that, rather than with the sea of badness they're filled with. The willingness to show good, and to do good is a weakness anymore. You're a hippy, a 'sissy', or a 'chick' if you're soft, and kind, and caring … - none of which is a compliment, of course.

It's a tough world out there and I think it will be tougher. Disrespect and hatred seem to be accepted anymore, and although I do see a lot of my friends take a firm stand against it all, I don't see much changing in the bigger picture. Sure, with each individual action of resistance and setting the record straight, the evil has one less chance to win, but the evil is still out there – supported and advertised by people in power.

It boggles my mind that people still support Trump! I am not saying they “support the Republican party”, but that, still, puzzles me, as well. But they support him, the man! I cringed when the results of the “most popular man of the year” survey came out and every news organization blasted that the news was “shocking” that Obama was more popular than Trump. Other than the platitude of findings (is there really a comparison between the two?!), I was floored that the news was that “Trump got 14% of the votes while Obama got 17%.” Really?! You're telling me that Trump is only three percent points less popular than Obama?! I wish I were a better writer to explain to you how much that 14% really stings. Double digits! Really?! Forgive me for not seeing the silver lining here.

I understand freak personalities that come every once in a while during the history of mankind. Like bad seeds that sprout weeds, they happen to humans as much as to plants. I can even understand freak circumstances that might allow them to go far and succeed in oppressing others' dignities. But I have never understood the support. The millions of others who accept this as a way of life. As a standard for all of us. Many days nowadays have me wonder: “in what universe is this thing legal? And accepted?” And yet, things that appall me happen every day with zero consequence!

It makes me angry that after so many thousands of years, after so many history lessons, after so much angst and turmoil, after countless losses as a universe, we're regressing so much as opposed to progressing and enhancing our humanity.  

But I seldom do politics. However, I feel like this year, more than anything, this transcends politics. Just like I knew this country was headed for failure after W. Bush was in the office and supporting mediocrity, I know we're in more trouble now than we have ever been before. When something reminds me of something darker, crueler, even less humane (if such a thing is even possible) than Communism, trust me: we're in for deep, troubled waters.

As a country, as a world power, but most importantly, here at home, as a community. I fear for us, as women, people of color or of other nationalities, children with disabilities. I fear for us as a social class, and as a community. I fear we're losing something that we don't know we're losing till it's all gone and too late to get it back.

I am looking for answers, and for the first time in a long time, I fail to see where they might come from. Both in Europe, as whole (Romania in particular), and here, I feel the fastened pulse of a people in despair and rage. And for the first time in a long time, a people hopeless.

There have not been many years where I wished for the old year to never end. I am usually hopeful that the new year will bring us more health, more joy, more wealth, more love, and more togetherness than the year we're closing. This time, I don't ever want 2017 to end. I am scared that what the new year will bring will be darker, more grim and sadder than what we're leaving behind. I am scared that it might bring us something we're hardly prepared to handle at all. Something beyond our imaginations.

I wish I could truly say it's up to us how to put together the next 365 pages of our lives, our 365 chances to screw it all up or make it all better. But I am not believing these words anymore. There seems to be so much in this world that eludes us that controls us, and our every day, more lately than ever. Staying vigilant is only half of the answer. The other half is truly fighting this. But when there are no laws to encourage and support our fight, it is hard to fight back. And for the hippy in me fighting is ever the solution or the victory.

One promise I can make myself, and my family: I could try to not let this harden and embitter me beyond graciousness. I will try to let what is good in me win me over and allow me to put it forward, instead of cowardly hiding it as a weakness and I will try to share the goodness at least with people in my immediate realm. I know I can use some kindness – I am willing to be the first one to give mine to others. Giving it to the undeserving will be hard, however. The judge in me won't let that go, unfortunately.

I am not bitter. Just sad and drained by everything I am seeing around me this year. I used to wake up every morning and check my emails. My husband calls it “checking in with the world.” Nowadays, I fire up my news-feed first thing in the morning, before I do anything else. I need to check and see whether I do have a world to check in with anymore.

In the end of this long and strained year, I leave you with the lyrics of one of my favorite poets which I think summarize sort of how I feel right now:

“Did you know freedom exists
In a school book?
Did you know madmen
Are running our prison
Within a jail, within a gaol
Within a white free protestant
Maelstrom

We're perched headlong
On the edge of boredom
We're reaching for death
On the end of a candle
We're trying for something
That's already found us.” (Jim Morrison – Freedom Exists)

I wish you all a kinder and easier year in 2018. May you all find that something that's already found you and hopefully that something is good.

My Bucket List Now

(I pray that God is listening and finds me worthy of granting these wishes ...)

I don’t know many people who don’t love the movie “The Bucket List”. Even my husband, who finds it depressing, loves it. How can you not?! If we can’t make fun of our mortality, how else can we muddle through to the end, right?!

These days, I think a lot about my “bucket list”. And I am thinking that with every day, it keeps changing. As I think it should. Every day is different. Like the proverbial onion, every day peels off another mystery which triggers more opportunities to explore, learn, get involved, and grow ... There are big things on here and small things and just rightly sized things. They are my things and I treasure them as my heart children.

Here is my “bucket list” today - not in a specific order. 

Tomorrow ... well, that’s another story ...

1. To see my nephews graduate and have families
2. To show my nephews the world, the way I saw it, and sought it
3. To see Australia
4. To camp in our new camper till it falls apart and all it's good for is firewood
5. To ride across  America in our camper
6. To see Alaska and shoot the glaciers there and the bald eagles
7. To move to my retirement place, wherever that is: Florida? North Carolina? Oregon? Somewhere with green lush trees,  mild temps, and clean air
8. To see Ireland
9. To write a book (at least one)
10. To scan all my negatives into digital format, to leave them to my nephews
11. To retire
12. To go to Hawaii at least one more time
13. To go on a cruise
14. To see Los Angeles and walk on Venice Beach
15. To visit Graceland (Elvis's home)
16. To be really, really good at yoga, again
17. To shoot Yosemite, the redwoods in California and the Grand Canyon
18. To eat lobster in Maine while looking at whales in the Atlantic, and hike in Vermont
19. To eat sushi in Japan
20. To order bayou shrimp again at Village Tavern in Greensboro, NC
21. To see The Vatican and Jesus's tomb in Israel
22. To paint really well
23. To celebrate at least my 25th wedding anniversary and maybe my 50th, too, with my husband right next to me
24. To take my sister on some trips, just the two of us
25. To win more trophies for making a difference
26. To go to Colorado Springs, CO and hike at least a little bit of Pike's Peak
27. To hike The Wave in Utah
28. I want to camp in the desert, sandwiched between the starry skies and the red rocks
29. To spend a week on the North Carolina beaches with my girlfriends one more time. And bring my sister along this time
30. To spend many Holidays with our families, together, somewhere
31. To take my husband to New Orleans and get lost in the French Quarter, lead only by the smell of food and the sound of zydeco music
32. To live in a cabin in the woods
33. To live small
34. To speak about cholesterol and heart disease to whomever will listen
35. And more than anything: to survive my open heart surgery with a functional life ahead to allow for all these
36. To write a lot more lists like this, after this one is accomplished.

Happy Old Year!

“For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.” -  T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

For as long as I can remember now, at the end of every year, my wish for all is "may the new year be happier/ better/ healthier/ more plentiful/ etc-er". But this year, for the first time, I feel like it would be hard to match, let alone surpass, the joy, happiness and peace that 2015 has brought us, personally. When the world has twisted and turned into more turmoil than ever, in unrest, violence, hunger and war, our lives seem to have thrived and given us plenty more than we probably deserve.

For that, I am grateful, and I can only hope we were kind enough to Karma so that she can continue her kindness to us. 

I hope we all make the New Year right, and we enjoy the ride while we're at it. 

No idea what the next 366 days will bring, but right now, in this moment, looking in the rearview mirror of the year passed, this is kinda how I feel. I thank my husband most of all, for being by my side in this journey, and my family and my friends for making it all special. It's all of you that keep me going, searching, smiling, giving ... Thank you!

Happy New Year, all, and to all a better tomorrow! 

2014 in Review: A List of 50

2014 was a pretty weird year, as most of them are. A combo of good and bad, it was a year of sadness, when we had to say “good bye” to a dear aunt as well as another one of our beloved kitties. As much grief as all that brought us, we had a couple of things or five that really made this year special and made us (especially me) grow more as a person. And for that I am grateful!

Here are some of the highlights of 2014, counted, in no particular order at all:

1. Camped for the first time in 2 years!

2. Delegated more.

3. Shut off the TV more. Yes, I am completely behind in all of the “hip” series, and it really does not feel weird. At all.

4. Actually finished my biggest knitting project – my first dress.

5. Continued to press “snooze” every morning, but woke up earlier (at 4.30-5.00 AM) almost every week day. It still feels great to press that button!

6. Rented a car for the first time in my life, all on my own. And nothing fell out of the sky either!

7. Flew across the Pacific for the first time, and it completely terrified me. But in the year of missing flights over The Pacific – I survived it!

8. Visited Hawaii for the first time and dipped my feet into a new Ocean. And despite its absolutely uncontested paradisiac beauty, I have no desire to move there.

9. Made a couple of new friends. Yes!

1. Continued learning to live more minimalistically. It looks like a real possibility and we’re both continuing to pursue this in the years to come.

11. Said “no” more, to spend more time with me, my husband and our life.

12. Facetimed with my nephews more. (is this the year that we coined the word “facetime” as a verb, too?!).

13. Used my crockpot more.

14. Shopped for more healthy food.

15. Reconnected with old, old, old (childhood and high school) friends, through the magic of Facebook.

16. Picked up painting, as a new hobby that I have always wanted to try.

17. Spent one-on-one time with my sister for one full week!

18. Took the train to the Big City for a one weekend commute. Took the train for the first time in 16 years of living in the USA.

19. Went to the movies more.

20. Took my mom’s very worthy example, and made more coffee at home, instead of drinking it from the company’s very unclean common Keurig.

21. Used more chap stick and less lipstick. I am definitely becoming more of a mountain and desert girl!

22. Paid off most of my own debt as well as our family’s debt.

23. Got rid of (big) things we were not using that just took up space and cost money in maintenance.

24. Tackled remodeling projects that were needed for a long time, around the house.

25. Just like I have always made my own chicken (or veggie or beef) broth, I made my own “cream of mushrooms condensed soup” to use for my casseroles.

26. Put together my first designated craft room.

27. Finally planted enough peppers to use for canning.

28. Painted more. Than ever before.

29. Went to bed earlier.

30. Although the event was not the happiest of all (a funeral), I got to know my husband’s family better.

31. My wonderful husband transferred all our family videos from VHS to digital format.

32. Spent Thanksgiving at home, not on the road, in some empty restaurant with toxic food for dinner.

33. Still hate improv!

34. I finally, deep-cleaned my bathroom cabinets and got rid of a million bottles and bags I never needed for years!

35. Used egg whites as a mainstay, instead of real eggs.

36. Made peace with the fact that I cannot do politics at work. And just did my job, with drive and accountability (as always), without getting side tracked by useless “politics”. (I know, you’re rolling your eyes, but it took me 39 years to figure this out!).

37. I continued to try new foods and flavors: I actually tried Hawaiian shave ice and it’s actually amazing on a hot August evening in the desert.

38. Listened to NPR more.

39. Finally convinced my husband to hang outdoor Christmas lights around our front door. Our house finally says “Christmas”.

40. Got lost in The Rockies, for one weekend, hiking new trails and going off the map with no wi-fi or phone reception for a few days in Wyoming.

41. Hiked in The Rain Forest for the first time and fell in love with the eucalyptus trees.

42. Learned more about the culture I leave in – we visited a Mormon temple for the first time

43. Travelled for work, but made time to revisit with dear old friends.

44. Visited a Buddhist temple for the first time and remained in awe for the rest of my life.

45. Jumped back on the yoga mat. Finally – after 4 years!

46. I learned that there is no point in trying to asking a Hawaiian bar tender to serve you a virgin mai-tai. It will not happen!

47. My husband rubbed my feet more.

48. I told my parents “I love you” more.

49. Allowed my cats to sleep with us again.

50. Thought about death more, and with more respect for what I have been through so far. Tried to make peace with it all.

I shot a lot of pictures this year – a trend I will continue to keep for the rest of my days. But if there is one picture that stands out in my mind’s memory from this year's photo album is the one below: this is a sunset in Oahu, as we were having dinner at an open air grill restaurant – the kind where you cook your food yourself. It’s beauty, and peace, and God’s presence, and the promise and hope that the world is round and tomorrow will rise again. It’s been the wallpaper on my phone for almost a year and the light I have been chasing every day. 

We got a whole new year ahead, you all! Let’s see what we can do with it next!

Happy possibilities to all of you and let’s all meet safely on this new year’s other end!

Older and None the Wiser

“Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years” (Tim McGraw)

Just around the time I turned 30, I was really depressed. So, one of my older than me friends told me, at that time that “the 30’s are great. I met the love of my life in my 30’s, I got a real job and I started making real money in my 30’s. You’ll love your 30’s. Trust me”. I was dubious, then, but …she turned out to be right on all accounts.

I could have had the same reaction last month, when I entered  the last year of my 30’s, but it just so happened that Anne Lamott had something ready for me to sooth my apprehension about my advancing age – a blog right before turning 59.

What an eye opener and inspiration!

I am happy, or embarrassed, to report, that at 39 I don’t feel that old. I remember when my mom was 39 and that seemed old! And that’s another question: how are you supposed to feel when you grow old? You’ve been renting the same body for whatever long the time has been since your birth – and you have no “outside looking in” perception of what it looks like. I feel like not much changed for me, ever since I can remember.

I feel as short as when I was 4. I feel as awkward as when my grandma used to put my pig tails in huge silk bows. I feel as ugly as ever, with a big nose and coarse hair, unruly teeth in this sea of beautiful teeth Americans. I still think I have ugly legs and, as my dad points, “complicated hair”.

I behave like a complete child and spoiled brat when I want to, and I am as cold as the most frigid broad you ever meet, when I want to, as well. I still have the “stare” – whatever that is – to put one in their place with no words. Yeah, I still take myself way too seriously! Way, way so … All these moods are anything but “old and wise” – trust me.

I don’t do all the “right” things, wise, old people should do: I am not any smarter about taking care of my skin or not eating fried eggs on a weekend. I still hate icecream and chocolate, and I still love loads of mashed potatoes just the same, and I don’t take any vitamins nor my calcium and vitamin D. I am a timed bomb, you see!

I am still as paranoid as ever of people letting my cats out and them getting killed by cars! I also check the doors about 10 times before I go to bed, and I buy smelly plug-ins but I hate when they’re too strong … So I unplug them right away.

I still hate lies and liars and drunkards. And I absolutely abhor mornings! As much as I love my husband or my family, they all know to wear bullet proof vests around me at 7 AM.

I love cats and still feel that my arms are better suited for kittens than babies. I have no wisdom about how babies are born or should be raised. Really. I have opinions. Not wisdom.

I will say that not only I don’t find bad boys attractive anymore, I just have no patience for them. And I will tell them that to their faces, too. That’s the thing, I guess, with age, you’re not afraid to call the things what they are anymore. “No regrets and spit it out” summarizes me nowadays.

If given the choice of a bigger, better, more glamorous career and a short trip to the top of a mountain where I can shoot some beautiful vistas, I’d always choose the latter. Smoke of real wood in the piney crisp air of the foothills still messes with my brain, just like in my teen years.

I still love airports but I miss home more when I am away in hotels. I still like to see new places but I like coming back home, more. If my 20’s and 30’s were years of infinite quests, I think the 40’s will be the years of infinite quests for home.

When I was 6, they told me I won’t see my 20’s. Like in a good game of poker, I said “I’ll double that”. And as many times in my life, I was (almost) right, God willing. I have been living dreams and for that I am speechlessly grateful – I keep waiting, nervously, for the bubble to burst and for the lamp to stop fulfilling the wishes.

I have been lucky beyond belief and blessed beyond compare! I don’t wish anymore for much, other than for health to enjoy the good that’s given to me, and strength to handle the bad. With what I know now, I would make the same exact choices, including the “mistakes”, that I have made in the past, because they were all incredible lessons and priceless pieces of advice.

I am still learning new things everyday: after 16 years of America, I just had French toast for the first time the other day. And I still have not seen Mount Rushmore nor Yosemite. Los Angeles nor Venice Beach. I hope there is time.

16 years later, after a weird, strange, crazy, sometimes sick, American journey, I would still jump on a plane with no map, nor destination and go somewhere to start life over, if the trip promises a great reward “should things align”. As you can tell, 39 years don’t teach you much!

I have no friend who’d tell me what my 40’s would bring, but following  Anne’s example, looking back at what I have become and who I am now, things should not be that scary in the new chapter. All I can say is, just like the song says, “Lord have mercy on my next thirty years”. And with that, one foot in front of the other …

A Minute of Remembering. A Word of 'Thanks'.

“For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice.” (T.S.Eliot)

I have never been much into New Year’s resolutions … A friend of mine was asking the other day to give reasons why we don’t make them, as opposed to most people out there who make them every year. At the time, I couldn’t come up with a reason. I just knew I was not in the “let’s make a list for the new year, so we can have something to stray from” crowd.

Then, I thought about it for a bit … And, as with most of everything in my life, when I need explaining about who I am, I go to the way I grew up. Sorry, mom and dad, but it is true!

As a Romanian, who are somewhat passé-ists, I look back to the old year for lessons learned rather than look into the future with a plan. In our household, and even today, when I call my folks at midnight tonight, we talk about what went on this year and what we've learned from it. We assess how this year has changed us, inevitably, through the fortunes and misfortunes it showered us with, and we acknowledge what, if anything, is still the same in our characters … Sort of like a landscape after a tornado – we evaluate the damage and contemplate the new surroundings, never the same again.

And here I am, in the last day of 2010 reviewing my past 365 days! Every time I think of this year I feel tired! Every time, I sigh and say ‘WOW’! - I cannot shake this reaction, although I have tried to multiple times during the year … But this year has been that full, that overwhelmingly rich, meaningful and yet … short …

I feel like this was definitely, for me, one of those milestone years. One of those years when you know your life just took a 90 degree turn. I have done things this year I won’t be doing often, for sure … All the while, I have learned more about people and life in general and I have learned more about who I am, about my flexibility, patience, or lack of it, about what’s true and important and timeless in life.

I have learned that there can be marriage without a power struggle. We are here, together, to complete each other, and not to dispute who gets to the finish line first. There is no finish line, and if there is, I’d rather get there together, at the same time, hand in hand. I have learned new meanings of love, commitment, and respect, and for that I will forever be grateful to my patient, loving and overall amazing husband. Who knows me better than anyone else now, and who loves me just the same!

One of the things I have learned from him this year is how to slow down! I never thought this was possible! My agenda used to be completely full all the time. My calendar, with no days off for months! My weekends, filled with plans, trips, friends, and chores … Not so much anymore … I have learned how nice it is to just be. To just sit down for a full day and do nothing but finish a book, or a scarf!

One valuable lesson that I am still trying to acquire teachings from is that so much in our lives is out of our control! I know this is such a cliché for most people, but you control freaks out there know what I am talking about! We always want to know we’ve got the handle on everything. Well, I have learned this year that we have control over perhaps 10% of what’s happening to us. And that percentage is generous! The rest is chance. Or God. Or Nature. Or Government. Or … the economy … Or family. Or friends. Or … you fill in the blanks…

Like many folks around me, I have learned that the American Dream of owning your home can quickly become the Universal Nightmare of not being able to pay for it or sell it. And that what seems like a completely personal decision you have made with eyes wide open can take a life of its own and spin out of control when the economy tumbles! And, again, there is not much you can do about it. And “waiting it out” is painful, but it’s the only thing to do. Waiting it out is also not an option for a control freak. But I am forced to adjust.

I have learned, yet painfully, and very much against my nature, that my job doesn’t define me! I also learned that you can lose a job as quickly as you can get a job, and losing it has absolutely nothing to do with who you are or how good you are. I know now that a job is probably one of the most volatile “assets” we have, and thus we should not make an absolute of it … We should very much treat it like an appliance – it’s great, and useful while it’s there and while it works. And we do our best to care for it, maintain it, give it our all to keep it going. But once it breaks, we have to be ready to buy a new one. Not get stuck and cry over it in deep depression for months, ‘cause that won’t fix it. My mom was right (of course): “People make jobs. Jobs don’t make people”, she says. So, you move on, and you start enjoying your life instead of crying for that broken vacuum cleaner … eerr ... I mean … lost paycheck! Your life is the only definite you have left at the end of every day, for as long as you live. So tend to it.

On a more practical note, I have discovered that three old cats do not die if cooped up in a small car for four days and moved across America. They do just fine. Once again, I was amazed at their resilience and their tolerance, and their immense and unconditional trust in me! It was a once in a lifetime journey, and I am so glad we all did it as a family!

I have discovered how fast kids grow this year: one minute they are completely reliant on you, the parent, in diapers and non verbal, the next morning, they wake up speaking in sentences and asking for things by name, like “a red fire truck with a ladder” from Santa! My nephew also taught me how deeply sensitive, impressionable and kind small kids can be if exposed to love and affection – it’s all up to us whether they will be bullies or lovers!

Speaking of kids, I am also learning as we speak, that unborn babies have a mind of their own! They can call for birthing any time they feel like it – not knowing a thing about the mandatory 40 weeks! And the adults, and the doctors have to comply with their needs. They’ll show you who’s boss from early on. The tens of shelves in thousands of bookstores loaded with books about “What to expect when you’re expecting”, eat your hearts out!

I have learned this year that I am really not too old to change! All my life, I have secretly wished that I will never be too old to change … and this year was a great testimony to that: I am not too old to move to a state that should require a passport to just come visit; not too old for a new climate, new culture, even new speech! I am not too old to once again learn how to live with someone else in the house. Nor too old to make new friends and look for new connections. It’s refreshing to know that I still have the drive to go out there and find life and beauty and interest, even if sometimes I do have the reputation of a cynic.

I have been able to stay true to my personal goal, and keep moving this year. Life IS a trip, after all, is it not?! I have been so lucky to afford, both financially and physically, to see some gorgeous places this year – I have literally traveled “from sea to shining sea”, from North Carolina to California, through many places in between, and all the way to The Great Lakes, too. With every mile, I have reveled in the splendor of this land, and have returned home richer and more inspired to look for more beauty around me …

I am even grateful this year for the things that were not so fortunate. As I say, always, I am even grateful for the band aids: declining health, loss of money, loss of jobs, loss of friends – they were all part of this year’s mix! But each one of these was a lesson in patience, humility and optimism! You have to keep moving on. There is no reverse in the car of life! So, you “get tough or die” as Johnny would say.

I have learned this year who my friends are, for now. And that they can be as relative as the days of life themselves: they come and go … regardless of my actions. And that is fine. That is just the tide of life as it is. We change as people, so our relationships change. I am grateful for all my friends, from various stages of my life, and I wish all of them happiness in the new year, regardless of where in my universe they reside now.

I am also thankful to my blog readers. Their comments, and readership sometimes were the only connection I had to the “great, big world" out there, when I traveled across The States, or complained about the “new culture” I moved to, or about my craggy yard, or about unruly parents! For their presence and time, I thank them!

More than anything in the world, I am grateful today for my family – for my old and my new one, too! They are the force behind my smiles, and the energy under my feet in the morning! I am grateful for every second we all got to spend together this year, and I have been feeding off of the magic in those seconds year round! I know now, more than ever before, that no matter what life will throw my way, no matter how many changes, and pains and challenges, the lighthouse of my storms will always remain my family! And I am so happy to have that! The rest is just superfluous matter!

Happy New Year to all of you! Hopefully better, hopefully richer, hopefully healthier for all of us. But more importantly: make it full; make it matter, and enjoy it!

The High (and Painful) Price of a Dream

The House of Guilt - of sorts

So, I never quite got comfortable in this very house of mine. I think I have said it before, and I apologize (not really) for the repeat, but I don’t think I have ever gotten over the buyer’s remorse on this joint. At the time I bought it, I thought it was a dream come true. I still think that, in fact. It was my coming of age as a grown woman: it was coming into adulthood from the condo, college-like living I had before, as a single woman.

So, I plunged into it thinking this is what I have worked for all my life, and praying that I will be in it forever (uumm … 30 years at least) to pay it off. I knew at the time, though, that is just about as much as I can possibly swallow without choking on it. It was a bit too much, but not enough to cause me to say a definite “no”.

My gut was in knots though and I sensed than one day, this will be trouble. A friend advised that I will make more money in a couple of years, as it happens, usually, and that will not be an issue. Only the friend didn’t foresee the economic crisis that followed almost immediately after I signed the bottom line, even before the ink dried on the paper. A not so favorable loan had me borrow it at painful terms, and thus my guilt towards my hard earned money deepened!

I am not exactly house poor, as I have been able to play, too, and go out and have fun with friends, and donate to my charities, and also take some trips and play with some of the money, as well. Or at least I was not house poor till before I quit my job about a week ago.

I did make good use of it, too, I will not be ungrateful: I have enjoyed people having their own quarters when they come to town, especially since it’s illegal in my family to book hotel rooms if a relative lives in town. I have enjoyed the back yard, and all the greenery I have planted there; the grapes and strawberries, fresh dill and parsley, fresh onions and rosemary for my omelets. I have enjoyed the quietness of the area, and the changes of the seasons in the beautiful, huge oak trees across the street from me. I have also enjoyed having e designated place for every single thing, and a room with a purpose for everything, like they teach you on HGTV! I have also loved, loved, loved my huge kitchen, where I never run out of space when I cook or when I have to store a new pot or pan! It’s been all great!

But, alas, plans are made only to be broken by life, aren’t they?! Now, the prospect, which is slowly turning into an ugly reality, of no job, a wee bit too much of a payment plus utilities plus HOA fees which I swear must be fed on growth hormones or something, because they are insane (at $158 a month for grass trimming) is becoming more and more bitter. Even more so than before, the straps on the shoulders of this too big of a weight are cutting into my back.

The house sits quietly on the market, for exactly a month and two weeks today, along with other 20+ homes (I think) in the same neighborhood, 5 of which are in the same parking lot as mine, listed at a lower price than I bought it for, to make it more appealing. I sit here, on a quiet and beautiful spring afternoon waiting for seers, “passer-by”-ers. Isn’t spring the time deemed by all realtors to be the most appropriate for home buying?! And isn't Sunday the most perfect of days for real estate?! So ... where are the people? I sit here, and I listen to the sound of birds and swishy wind in the new leaves of yet a new spring. And I try with all my might not to cry or to hurt myself for the guilt I feel for buying too much of a dream!

I do know that every house sells. Eventually. And I know this, too, shall sell, and pass. But I cannot help but feel ever so guilty for burdening not only me, but my husband also with an expense which could have been so much more bearable should it have been planned a little bit more carefully …

And unlike so many people out there, I have enough self respect to not blame “W.”, not the banks, not the economy, not Obama for something that I signed up for with no gun against my temple.

It still makes me choke up with guilt and lose sleep at night, because I seldom screw up, you see. But I guess it keeps me real, too, and reminds me that I too can make a very wrong decision sometimes. The comforting thought that we are not infallible is so sweet! When I’ll chase a dream next time, I’ll ask for an insurance policy first. If only life can give you one, that is. *Sigh*.