The Proposal

“And I don't regret the rain

Or the nights I felt the pain

Or the tears I had to cry

Some of those times along the way

Every road I had to take

Every time my heart would break

It was just something that I had to get through

To get me to you …”  (Lila McCann – To Get Me To You )

They will tell you that “every little girl dreams of her wedding day”. Well, I am here to tell you that this one (meaning me) isn’t. Wasn’t, actually. I never spent any sort of time thinking how my wedding day will be. For one thing, I hate the puffy dresses! And for another, I never believed I was going to get a wedding day!

I know: this is strange, coming from a woman who’s been married before, but really: never given any thought about it. I used to threaten dad that I would be married in jeans on a desert island, and my first wedding came pretty close to that threat.

All my life, if I have ever searched for anything, it was not a wedding day, but a great, twin kind of friendship in a perfect partner!

Where I come from, people are stars. And most of us have our twin star. And we believe when we find our twin star, we will live happily “ever after”. Only I believed all my life that my twin star was a shooting star, so he must have fallen, at some point, into nothingness. I continued through life alone, lonely and single. And I stopped searching. Really. Well, hoping I am wrong, sure. But not hopeful enough.

And without hope, and with much faith, I found him. And he gave me all I could ever want and then some. He not only gave me the twin brain I was looking for, but also the deep understanding of who I am, and why I am this way – seen in the most perfect mirror. Even the most self assured need approval, you know.

He is the one I have always thought to be with, because he reads me like a book, even when I am silent. He is like the rock I have always envisioned: there for me, even in the most frightening storm. He has guts and he has a mushy heart. Just the perfect combination!

On the day he asked me to join him on his life’s journey, he picked the perfect spot, cooked the most perfect breakfast and had the most wonderful conversations ready. That’s how you know you found him – when he gives you the most perfect day, just because: he picked the spot I would pick to start a journey, or reflect on my past and regroup. He gave me the food I most crave (bacon, of course). Picked the most perfect sweet wine for dinner. Climbing on top of a 7000 ft mountain and looking in the valley, as if looking at my past and towering over it, victorious, is what I would have picked when restarting any of my journeys. He knows my love for mountains, and he builds on it, as I would.

He knows me and cherishes me, and scolds me when I need it. As I always tell him, and thank him for it: “he makes sure my head stays the right size”, while loving me completely and unconditionally. I cannot tell you enough about the man I love and with whom I am about to step into a new life. I can never find the words to describe our relationship, or our love. It’s just that sublime! And yet so easy.

It comes so natural, that it scares me. It’s just as simple as putting on your most comfortable pair of shoes or your most favorite dress. Nothing is forced. And nothing is hard. It’s as easy and natural as breathing.

So, yeah, I found the twin I have always craved for, but now, that the wedding is coming up – I am lost. You see, I am not one of those folks who planned it all her life! So, I have no clue “what I want" or what "needs to be".

I know we need to get a minister, and a restaurant, and invitations, and hotels, and a dress (I think I am too old for jeans!) and flowers and music, and … but I am not quite sure where to look to find them all.

Of course, I am still waiting for the shock of it all to end. I wanted a twin friend. I got him, but he wants a wedding …Being my twin, of course, he has no vision on this “wedding” business. So, I am puzzled. But I know we will come up with something … It’s just one formal step into the big happiness which is to follow. I hope.

Till then, I am just enjoying the journey, hand in hand, and heart in heart, from that peak on Mount Nebo onto the unknown and the familiar of our wonderful life together.

I love you, my sweet, and thank you for daring …

The "big question" was asked above The Devil's Kitchen - a rock formation near Mount Nebo, around the Provo, UT area - a place that exudes infinity, openness and permanence - so help us God ...

The Single Life

Ah! What a day to day affair life is. (Jules Laforgue)

Days come and close with the exactness of a clock.

Rearview mirror, but no reverse. Just straight drive. That’s what life is, after all, isn’t it?!
Filling up time and hours with the solitude of a single life’s plans: groceries, walk in the park, yoga mat, feed the cats, pay bills, call family during the weekend, meet random friends for dinner during the week, work.
Nothing more. Nor less.

A year of coming of age. Maybe more than a year. Maybe immensely more than a year. And of finding that foothold once again.

For ten years now, I feel like I have been moving along pushed in one direction or another by men who have entered and exited my life. For the first time, I feel free and swimming on my own. I’ve been floating, mostly, this year. But I feel, for the first time, in the freshness of a spring afternoon, watching the playful and free geese in the park, that I am slowly swimming, not just letting myself float. Baby strokes, yet, but I am swimming…

Not sure yet where I am headed, but as long as my breath keeps me alive and my arms above water, I’ll continue to swim.

There is literally no limit to what you can do with yourself when you’re single. You have no one to wake up in the morning for, no one to ask for permission to listen to music, nor anyone to ask what they would like to have for dinner. No one to clean after in the bathroom, either …

The walk in the park seems endless. Could be endless. No one but the cats to come home to. And the cats can surely wait for days. Maybe I’ll do a movie today, but I am not bound by any commitments, so, I might skip it – with no remorse.

The visit to the bookstore, or to Hallmark has no time boundaries, either. Why should they?! As my friend, A., said: “I am free to just ‘be’”. And I am taking full advantage of that, trust me!
The weekend is wide open, a white canvas waiting to be smeared. Dinner could be leftovers, or sushi from the Harris Teeter counter, or a burger and fries at the neighborhood pub.

Like swimming in a calm lake. Being in a relationship, I guess, would be swimming in marshes, thick and full of algae, the mud and vegetation dragging you down. But the water lilies and lotuses smell so good!

I can sit on my back porch and watch my petunias, and lilac tree, and azaleas, and lilies, and carnations for hours. No one inside to call me in for lunch. Or dinner. Or ever.

And this no-commitments and no-strings life is so curative. So stripping you down to bare bones to ask you every day: “do you like what you see in the mirror?”. You have plenty, way plenty opportunities (and time!!!) for this question to haunt you daily for sure! So therapeutic! Because the first pimple you see, it’s cleaning time!

The night falls calm, fresh and soft like a velvet veil … Over it all a saddening and deafening silence. It seems with no ending. But I secretly know that the sun will, in fact, rise again tomorrow, over a much similar new day. For now, I get lost in the night. A confused bird is trying to break the silence. So does a scared dog.

But other than that my soul is one with the silence. And the darkness. A lone soul, and quiet one, too. Submissive. Alone but not lonely. Enjoying the companionship of the darkness and the silence. Filling up with nothing but presence! Bountiful! And plump with life.

Thinking of people I once knew. And marshes I once floated over.