Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I miss my dad

… I miss him, when I have to put shelves up and I am spending 3 hours in the hardware store to decide what kind of anchors and screws I need for my shelves! I miss him when I need to dig in my garden, and he can do it so effortlessly, while I lay in bed with muscle cramps for a week after I do it…
I miss him when I come home from work and I eat junk food, when I know, if he were here, he would cook me a 3 course gourmet meal every single day of the week, AND on a budget, too! I miss him when I have to call the phone people, and the gas, and the tv people, and the bank for my change of address and for troubleshooting … He loves doing the legwork, and the errands every single day, not with patience, but with promptness! And a LOT of energy; energy that I don’t have right now!
Most of all, I miss him when he puts things into perspective for me: “ this is what you left behind, he would say, this is what’s ahead, and this is what you need to be proud of, and this is what you need to still work at”. Oh, yeah, dad is a “no bullshit” kind of guy, so he will keep me straight on things I need to work at. No matter how deep his love, he always acknowledges I am not perfect. To me, that is true love!
And I surely miss him when I am trying for 5 hours to mount my shelves and drill my holes into the wall 100 times till the wall looks like it’s been at war, and shot at; and the shelves are still moving…:-)
And I hate life, when I miss dad! I really do! I fall asleep sighing and praying for his health and many, many happy years, so next time when I move, he can be here, and … not missed at all!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

New home

When do you know that you have arrived home after moving into a new place? It will take a while, I am sure, to fit in and feel like the new place is finally “home”… but when do you actually get that overwhelming feeling that yes, you’re finally back under a roof all your own, cozy and that accepts you unconditionally and fully at the end of a good, bad, drunken, dizzy, or just ordinary day??
When do you get that “a-ha” moment where you don’t feel like you’re just visiting for the week in the new place you just moved into? Because I feel like everything I touch, although my own, feels like mom’s or grandma’s house – familiar, but not quite mine…
Is it when you stop going to the old grocery store which is across town, but who cares, it’s worth it to you, since you know where the cheese aisle and the bread aisle are? Or maybe when you stop going to the old neighborhood pharmacy, also across town?
I have been trying to look for the “welcome home” day since I have moved over a week ago , and I don’t think it’s hit me yet!
In search of the old “me”, I have tried to make my first breakfast here, and the eggs were rotten (sorry, forgot to buy new ones during the packing and the moving and I let them expire!). Then I cooked one of my favorite dinners the other night, chicken noodle soup, but I felt more flu-y then home-y, so that doesn’t count…
I thought maybe I am finally home since my cats are now getting back into the old routine of breakfast, snacks, and wet food dinner, but that was not it , either… Maybe it’s the fact that half of my things is still in boxes that doesn’t allow me to relax? Maybe it’s the eerie quietness… Maybe it’s the “wrong” (read: “different”) positioning of the bed? Whatever it is, I am still shuffling the puzzle pieces to figure out how ALL is going to fit. But when it does, and the peace will be restored, I just know that I will know it right away! And so will the people around me, who have lost me also, lately, under a BIG pile of boxes and dusty bed spreads…