Monday, July 25, 2011


He would have been 40 today. In a strange, prophetic way, he always knew he won’t make it, though. And that, I think, makes it even sadder.

For over three years now, I have been thinking about him every day. And praying, as promised, for his strength, wherever he may be. I hope he has that … What we have here, after 3 years, is still less light, less spirit, a black cloud when we watch The Phillies win, or the Cavaliers lose, or …

I have thought of writing about today all day long, and I am still at a loss for words. A sense of deeper than deep unfairness that he didn't live to see today chokes me up! And how could it not?!

He is still very much alive, and very much, painfully gone, every day … It never gets easier. What they say about time healing wounds doesn’t work when someone slashes your throat to its core with pain, unfairness, helplessness …

The lessons he taught me in strength, friendship, forgiveness, courage allow me to move on, somewhat – but his loss is still crippling. Taking our loved ones for granted is not excusable anymore …

It’s hard to find the right words, because for a person like he was there will never be words big enough. The void left, too deep of a crater to fill … even with sentences …

The only things I could say have been said before – some of them in this song that one of his best friends sent me after the funeral. This song, and its lyrics “carried me through” the past years. Thank you, R.D. – you, as always, came through!

Rest in peace, my dear friend, and I hope you make another world out there brighter and happier just like you did ours …

All of my dreams
Seem to fall by the side
Like a discarded thought
Or the day's fading light
But I know that if I could just
See you tonight

At times we may fall,
Like we all tend to do
But I'll reach out and find
That I've run into you
your strength is the power
That carried me through

Your kindness for weakness
I never mistook
I worried you often,
Yet you understood
That life is so fleeting,
These troubles won't last

Inspired me truly
You did from the start
To not be afraid
And to follow my heart
There's a piece of you with me
They can't tear apart

In times we may fall
Like we all tend to do
Your strength is the power
That carried me through

Forever …

Forever I'll find you, forever we'll be
Forever your power and strength stays with me

(Dropkick Murphys – Forever)

Thursday, July 21, 2011

It’s Summer

No school buses to dodge on the way to work … No school news on the radio … Waking up in blinding sunlight even before 6 AM … Sound of fresh, full green leaves in the wind at the window … Cats are perky. Finally.

We hunt for fresh, local tomatoes and home made cheeses and pepper jellies at the Farmers’ Market, every chance we get. We go to “music in the park”. Parade of homes just happened.

We bought a grill and used it. Meat tastes different cooked in the heat. You absorb it through your pores, too, not just your taste buds. The smell of fresh peppers on a flame – like no other.

We got sunburned. We talk about camping and fireworks. We plan the next ball game – soon. Snow is still on the peaks. Still. We plan for street festivals. We ride the motorcycle. Finally.

We eat fresh strawberries and blueberries out of the yard. We watch our roses bloom, again and again. We have a garden! We put down mulch. We mow. We water every night. We’re waiting, patiently, for our first tomato harvest. It’s all about tomatoes, all of a sudden.

Neighbor’s kids are running through sprinklers screaming like it’s their last day on earth. Parents are happy to see them out of the house, and don’t care. Dogs are lazy.

We get the gnawing feeling that all this is but a dream or a blink in time ...

The a/c running in overdrive. Gas bill goes down. We drive to the ice cream parlor in the middle of the week, just because … it’s hot.

Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.” ~ Russel Baker