Tuesday, September 27, 2005

What Am I Missing?

I’m not sure what the future will bring, but seeing my cat smile while I’m on the yoga mat, and purring, I know, somehow, that I’m in the right place. I have a home, all my own, I am completely independent and I feel free most of the time. I love the people I have close to me, and I got rid of the “poisonous” ones. My calendar was saying the other day (a quote): “I date nice people, I have a good job, and a nice home, what am I missing”; the answer was: ”Trust me, if you’re asking that, you’re missing it”… - and that’s how I feel! I’m reading “Transitions” and hopefully I will learn how to have more patience for my “temporary” status, and also, I will understand better what’s going on in my life now, in my 30’s. Who wants to go through the “mid-life crisis” when they have the 30’s?! That’s insane: like the same punishment twice! I’m trying to cope with the fact that I am a single woman, yet not single, because I have a boyfriend who’s not promising me the future, it’s just promising me the “right now”. And because the “right now” is good and happy, I’m supposed to live with it, and not ask for more. Almost a month ago, we almost broke up, and then decided it’s not the right thing to do: so, instead, we’re in this “not sure what we are or what we’re doing” state that will probably be forever, or so long and late that there will be nothing left for us to do. No options left… But I’m not supposed to plan and think of the future… And I’m trying not to plan, until…one day… Not today though… Today we’re having schnitzel and mashed potatoes and salad for dinner, and a glass of wine, or beer, and today it’s a summer day in the fall (it’s the Carolinas), and today, we are happy; so we declare.

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