Monday, October 22, 2007

I am fine. Really fine. Picky, but fine!

Thanks very much for asking…;-)

I have said for a while that until I meet the man who’s worth of a blog, I won’t write about dating any longer. I won’t waste time and web space (and pc storage for sure) to write about folk who’re not mattering to me… But this dating world, I have decided, is way too interesting indeed not to pause for a while and write about. Plus, my friends are begging me to write, and I love them, so, here I am again…
I didn’t know what kind of blog this will be: funny, sarcastic, philosophical, matter-of-fact?? Maybe a little bit of everything…??... Not sure yet, but here it is:
OK… so, yes, just for the record, and for those who have emailed me all worried: I AM FINE! Just because I have no “weight around my neck”(that’s from dad!) …hhmm… I mean “regular man in my bed”… I mean… regular boyfriend, doesn’t mean I am not fine! Life to me is so much more than a mate and a child. Really. Sure, I’ll take those (or at least one of them) any day of the week, but I find pleasure and happiness in just … being … and seeing the sun in the sky every morning, and in having Gypsy asleep on my ankle right now, as I write, and I am not miserable, by far. I am happy, and grateful, and looking forward to life and meeting new people, I am busy and cannot wait for Christmas! I am in love with my family still and in love … just with people and life…
I am fine, and yes, still accepting applications for the “mate” position. But, seriously, people, I hope you’re reading! I wish dating would be like interviewing for a job. These are the skills you have to date ME. You’re lacking some? Need not apply! Really. It’s a waste of time…But dating is not that. It’s more like jumping into the pool, without testing the waters, or better yet, off the pier into the ocean: You have no clue whether you hit warm waters, or a cold current, jelly fish or shit! a shark!!!! No clue, till you’re in it, and you’re far from shore, and so help you The Almighty!
Lately, all the “interviews” have failed, miserably…After each one of course I am left smiling. The world is indeed funny.
I will just rant here, on what I want/ need, and what I find instead in the world; on what relationships are to me, or dating in general, and I hope it won’t be boring…
First off, I do NOT want to marry every guy that I am going out with. It seems to be a misconception out there into the big “sea of fish” (can you tell I miss the Ocean?) that all we women want is to walk that aisle to the altar from the day we lay eyes on you. Not the case. Seriously! Don’t flatter yourselves, boys! In this emancipated world we live in, we typically have dated BEFORE we met your royal ass (sorry, yeah, we’re not that pure!), so, you think we don’t know that what we see at first date is just the polish you just sprayed on? Gold leaf to blind us from the real truth, like farting at dinner with family and smoking pot and mooching and not taking the trash out… We know that we need to find out SO much more about you to really be willing to say “yes”, and we all know that most of you disappoint, so chill! We don’t want to marry. We want to know ya. That’s all…It’s like telling an employer they want to promise a hire for each interview they get. Not realistic!
Ever since I was maybe 16?! … my idea about dating has always been the same as wine tasting, and with the risk of repeating myself, I’ll refresh your memory: you see a bottle in the store, and the bottle looks GREAT; and that’s what prompts you to pick it up; and you start reading the label and learn more about it; if you don’t like what you read, you put it back, “No thank you, Sir, you’re drooling at dinner, I won’t have you”, but if you like what you read on the label, you take it home; with the risk of spending $10 on shitty wine, you take the plunge. Uncork and … taste. You like it, you’ll have a couple of more sips. You’ll have the whole bottle. If you REALLY liked it, you go out and buy another one- that happens rarely. Or … maybe you don’t like it. But if you really hate it, make sure you dump that sucker in the sink to the last drop! Just for good, clean Karma, you know! Same thing with men – you do the analogy. And unlike some sorry ass doctors out there, I don’t believe in “two glasses a day for men and one a day for women”. It’s a bottle each and have it at your own pace…I am not a doctor, yeah. I am a sassy bitch, if you will, who can’t be less than a man.
But back to dating…Several things I have found lately, while being single, and dating, and boy, did I think I already knew everything!
I ONLY speak from experience, and I am sure things are even more weird out there, but these are my own experiences.
I found out on one of my blind dates that there are “rules” for dating. The emancipated ME (yes, I know I am repeating myself) found out she had to play by rules on first (blind) date. OK. I said to myself: “Self (Thank you, Emeril!), you gotta go check this shit out.” - ‘cause no one, not even my boss nor parents set rules for me. So, I instead of saying “oh, sorry, I don’t do rules”, I needed to see what the rules were. One of them was: he’s going to pay, no questions asked. Well, he lost points right there. Usually, the theory in my head stands as this, when guys fight me for the bill (not that anyone ever asks ME how I feel about it, but …): “OK, Mr. Short Penis, it makes you feel like a man to provide for my grub, you do it, but you just started at MINUS 1000 points with me, see how you’re gonna catch up now.” I have never been wrong yet. ;)
Another rule he had: “don’t try to sleep with me” cracked me up. Hhmmm… My first question to myself was: “Why? ‘Cause you’re going to try that FIRST with me?” – I see where this is going. You want to be the boss; good luck with that too.
Another date tells me: “you gotta like riding convertibles real fast to be with me” – again, to respond to such very well defined pretenses: you can’t have a short penis complex to be with ME, so, nice to know ya… Not really!!
Along the few days we were “seeing” each other (doesn’t qualify as that even, but ok…), I was completely ignored by this one guy. Not that I need a lot of attention, but yes, I would like the guy to scream the right name in bed, so that’s a requirement: you gotta know my name, at least! … We were under the same roof, in the same house, even at the opposite ends of the same virtual line, in an email, and I felt like he was completely ignoring me. It was always about him, and what he did that day, and what he’s going to do that night, and week, and what he’s doing right now, while I am on the couch and him in the recliner …
You want “rules”, folks?? I’ll give you some rules: how about: ask me who I am… where I come from… what I DO for a living (that’s right: I DO work and pay for my own damn food, not wait for dates to feed me) … ask me if I have a family, pets, if I like chocolate or vanilla before you order my dessert for me, ask me if I have a sense in life, a meaning… Don’t turn on the football game and completely ignore me when you want to have a “quiet dinner at home”.
I am sorry (well, not really “sorry”, but…), I am not against guys’ passion for sports AT ALL (I am picky, not dumb!!), but if you invite the girl over for dinner in the SECOND week of knowing her, and it’s just the two of you in the room, and you watch football while ignoring her, you’ve got a problem! - and it’s not that the girl is against sports.
Another guy is over 40. He rents; he’s never owned. Why? “He’s scared to death of commitment”. He’s had the same job for MANY years, you know why? Figure it out! I tell you: people should read the requirements before they apply! And you, Mr. “Chicken” or “Momma’s Boy”, think you’re in the dating world because that’s “free” of commitments?! Again: good luck!
Another guy wants to “tuck me in”, while I am going to bed the night he met me at this party. Wants to come over and go out of his way to do that. It’s nothing but just “tucking me in and telling me good night”… Hhmm… Yeah… And I am a virgin also! Is that what kids call it nowadays? “Tucking in”?? I must have missed that blog, really, ‘cause that was news to me.
And then there are the guys, oh, yeah, they’re out there, who already know I am “the one”, want to take me away out West and live happily ever after, in our little no-lit cabin… on a ranch in the Rockies… Again, these are first dates, or just “meets and greets” as I call them…And they already KNOW I am “it” and I rock their world. Wait till I wake up one morning on the wrong side of the bed, people, and then give yourself a chance to run! Really!!
And yet, I come back for more, and never say no to an invite. This is too rich. This is my favorite entertainment lately…I know, you’ll say I am easily etertained and cheap, right?! Well, no, I am telling you: this is rich!!! It really is. I do it to learn about folks. I call it “life lessons” and they really teach me a lot. Like I said: I am finding out every day that I didn’t know everything.
I even said yes to a guy who approached me at Lowes Home Improvement. He had a line to go with his plain and wrinkled and rusty self, too: Him:“Are you single?”; Me: “Why?”; Him: “Because you’re hot (I AM NOT, just for the record), and I wanna ask you out”. I said yes, you know why?? Because he was honest! No, I am not hot, but HE thought I was hot, and that was his reason! I’ll take honest over wishy-washy and fake any time of the day now. Unfortunately the only interesting thing he had to say to me was that line, at Lowes.
And then the break-ups. They’re so cute. They make me smile and move on… Richer, with plenty of topics for yet another blog or diary entry… They are either “it’s not you, it’s me” kind of break ups, which always cracked me up!!!!! I fell like saying: “Then, FIX yourself, and move on!!!”- that line is so weird to me!!…
Or ”oh, sex made it more difficult”… Hhmm… for whom? I am not crying! More difficult for you?! Then why did you have sex if you have even the slightest clue (you have to have, since you're calling it so poignantly!) this might NOT work out, AND you think (you should know this about yourself, at 40 something!) sex will make it difficult!!! No, sex didn’t make it “difficult”. It made it embarrassing for you, in my eyes.
Or… there is the “foreplay” ones … that are not quite sex but then they forget all about you… They never call or follow up in any way. But boy, if you ever dare to mention it ever again, they either disappear, or they look at you as if you were trying to stalk them. I date, but I don’t go out kissing on strangers and grabbing or letting them grab my parts. I am not a prude, but if you do THAT, then that requires a follow up. It’s not every day we walk into a restaurant and do that to strangers… So, “pretend” like you know me the next day you kissed me and felt a boob! Just pretend! Don’t avoid, ‘cause again: you’re lame.
I think these observations go for both boys and girls, but of course, I am talking as a straight woman. Not meaning to stereotype, but I am speaking about guys. And if you recognize yourselves in any of these, the resemblance is purely coincidental …. I mean… if you recognize yourselves in any of this: SHAME ON YOU!
One thing I did find out while dating. We’re all very lonely people. And very self-absorbed. And here I am preaching: remember THAT next time you try to meet someone!
The point in meeting people, I think, is to build bridges and be less lonely. I think the reason we all “date” (for lack of a better word, maybe “go out” or “reach out” would be more accurate) is to be less lonely, not to marry. Gaining a friend that’s helping you to be less lonely should be the ultimate goal. And if there is more, then go for it …
But friendship needs to be earned, and not expected. So, whatever you’re going to end up being with that person, in the beginning, be nice. Be kind. And respectful. Act like you care, just for that human being alone, without labeling that person yet. Obviously, there was SOMETHING that singled that person out from the deep sea, that caused you two to end up in a room together, alone. THINK of that and be kind.
There so much instant gratification we expect from the world nowadays that we forget that things don’t and shouldn’t work like this with people! We can’t be “processed” in one hour like Wal-Mart does their pictures! We can’t have a “same week” policy return like CarMax has for their cars. We’re people and not merchandise! We need to respect each other with shadows and bright spots. We can’t be perfect and we need to take the time and patience to learn people and see what brings us together. I know, a foreign concept in today’s world, but sorry… look at the divorce rate. We need to stop looking at people like at cars and shoes and cell phone options! One thing people have that things don’t is feelings. And some of us also carry common sense and good upbringing, too. So, we care; if we’re ignored, hurt, lied to, or … “returned”, we care!
That’s the problem the world has! People have to be with or against us, while we wallow in loneliness at the end of Desperate Housewives, or another lost season for the Sox and at the end of the popcorn bag! A good friend will be there to share that with us. A jaded ex will not. Take your pick before you open up your wallet or the zipper of your pants! And for God’s sake, ASK me if I want to pay for my dinner and respect my choice. That’s common sense nowadays. Nothing to do with romance and being gallant. Step out of the cave, why don’t you, folks?!

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