Feed Them (Pretty Much Anything …) and They Will (Still) Come

You know what we all should be in the business of selling in order to get rich? Even in this crappy economy?! We should ALL sell fast food! All of us! It seems to me that no matter how bad the publicity of all the fast foods is, no matter how scandalous the lawsuits, how many bypass surgeries they have to pay for, no matter how bad the food is, fake, plastic, greasy, poisonous, deadly, no matter how many times they screw up your order … we all keep going back!

We keep them all in (very successful, bazillion dollar making) business. Did you notice how McDonald’s stopped counting?! They now don’t tell us exactly how many millions of burgers they sold, they just say “millions served”. I guess Seinfeld’s wish has been fulfilled after all …

It’s the biggest mystery yet, to me. We all complain about bad service pretty much anywhere, even WalMart - although, like I said before, you just set yourself up for failure if you walk in there expecting good service. But we don’t ever promise to never go back to say … McDonald’s. Even if they give us the wrong drink, no ranch, no plastic ware for the salad, bacon when we want sausage, even when people find human thumbs in the chili (sorry, that was Wendy’s) or bugs in the tacos (T. Bell) – we go back … Always …

So, here’s my most recent experience at the now (unfortunately) legendary establishment.
There is this “ritual” in my new office – every Friday, my “team” goes somewhere fast for breakfast. Most usually, they go to McDonald’s because it’s faster, closest (of course, they’re on every corner in America, you knew that!), bla bla bla …

I seldom eat any fast food. Unless I am on the road to somewhere and I am in a rush, I never visit them. But, I am new in the office, didn’t want to be antisocial, so, I go along for the ride. I usually get just a plain biscuit and a cup of coffee. I figured, it’s the least poisonous stuff in the freezer, right?! I never liked fast food much, but since Morgan Spurlock’s documentary , I am even more consciously avoiding them. So, anyway, back to my sheep: they go to McDonald’s every Friday … I (most) times join them.

Today, I didn’t have much of a breakfast at home, so I figured, I can get something on my biscuit. And I decide I don’t like sausage, nor bacon (not today, anyway), nor steak, there is no chicken option, nor ham, so I’ll get just a cheese and egg biscuit – but that is very dangerous, because there is no such thing on the menu. So, it’s a custom order. I am nervous, but … here it goes:

Me: "An egg and cheese biscuit and a regular small coffee" (there is no “button” for my order, you see).
Teenage chick, who looked new and lost, in a foreign accent: "Hhmm... you want an egg biscuit?"
Me: " Egg and cheese, please"...
Her: "Oh, ok." She punches something in the register ... and repeats just to make sure she got it right: "OK. An egg biscuit." - looks all happy of herself. " And a coffee??"
I give up and say: "Yep. Egg biscuit and a coffee."

I was secretly happy she kept missing the cheese, since I really don't need it anyway ...

She puts it in the system. The lady from the back comes with the order in the bag. The cashier confirms with her she got an EGG biscuit, not anything else ...

I am all happy ... We drive back to the office, I sit down and open the sandwich. And surprise-surprise: I got not only egg AND … cheese on my biscuit, but sausage, as well. Although the word “sausage” never once was spoken.

Apparently, whoever Subway is using for their egg provider is in business with McDonald’s, too, because the eggs are square, and they taste like cardboard. That is not a metaphor, mind you … they really, do taste like you just licked the back of your pizza box! Really. Honestly!

So, I peeled off the sausage AND egg AND cheese off the bread, and ate my usual plain biscuit. Now, I am kicking myself for paying $3.00 for all that, when I should have just started with a plain biscuit (they didn't screw that one up yet ... ) and paid $1!

I am contemplating this office Friday "ritual". Should I risk being unpopular and a stick in the mud and just not join my co-workers?! Too soon to decide that, I think, but I can definitely not be on the McDonald’s Friday diet, for reasons so many the entire infinite web space is not roomy enough to host! So, I’ll refrain from listing … “Sigh”.