After Two Years

I miss his smile the most. He always smiled, he always had a joke cooking up about anything that was happening around him. I miss his jokes like I would miss air if it were sucked out into the ether...

Especially given the current situation in the world - I miss his jokes the most. He always knew history and politics, he always warned us against the tragedy of the world led by incompetence and corruption, but he also always made us laugh when things were tough. We had our own stand-up comedian and political analyst. 

I miss his chubby, soft, small hands, like small pillows ... I can picture them cutting cold meats and carefully arranging them on beautiful platters...

I miss watching him making mayo, carefully folding the oil into the eggs, tip of his tongue sticking out through his front teeth, focusing, ever so focused ... Raising an eyebrow...

I miss him playing the air guitar when CCR or The Beatles would come on the radio ... 

I miss his soft, beautiful, deer-like eyes looking onto us, his girls, or his baby grandsons ... 

I miss him when he was happy and I miss him when he was angry ... I always told him I can’t take him seriously when he’s angry, because his face was stuck in a kind, compassionate stare, no matter his mood ... 

I miss seeing him hugging my mom, and she fighting him off with a shrug ... Him, pretending to cry because nobody loves him ...

I miss his meows when he was hungry ... I miss him scolding us that there is nothing to eat in the house, with two fridges loaded with goods - loaded so heavily there was no room for a pack of butter on any of the shelves. 

I miss his voice - soft and loving ... I miss his style - always put together and always dressed for every occasion ... He always taught us to dress up appropriately, even if it were around the house ... 

I am sad about all the birthdays we missed and all the Christmases we didn’t spend together ... I am sad I didn’t get to talk with him in person one more time before he left us forever ... as he was in a coma when I saw him last ... 

It’s been two years today since that last day I saw him, handsome and peaceful, but hooked up to machines that breathed and heart-beat for him.... The hardest, most painful, most lonely, most excruciatingly gut-wrenching two years of my life ... I wish for him to come back and fix it all. Fix us. He left us broken and we got worse ... 

This is how I always want to remember him ... goofy, carefree and happy, young and always smiling ... Sweet sleep, sweet dad ... Thank you for the memories - most often than not they are the only thing that keeps me going ...  

Before he was a dad or a husband, even, cca 1973 (he almost never tagged his negatives or pictures, so I can only guess)