On My Mind

... I want not to come home to an empty house anymore; I want to make breakfast on Sunday morning for 2; I want to go to hot, exotic places for the Holidays; I want to help the poor in Asia and Africa; I want someone, one day, to "lay me down in a bed of roses", and I want that to be a surprise; I want a diamond ring as a promise that I am the number one woman in that person's life, not because he thinks that's "the right thing" to do; I want to go shopping in Vail for the Holidays; and I want to be happy... In other words, I might be hitting my first mid-life crisis just now. It's funny how I have been married and have been in long relationships, without ever being proposed to. Hhhmm.... All I wanna say is: life is quite interesting, and I am just trying to see what happens next, after this door closes.
J and I have the "talk", and after the Holidays it does look like the end will greet us. And that's all that's on my mind today.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I wanted to add "or is it..?!" but I refrained myself. It's tough when you're with the family you know you have to leave in a litle while. I'm still on the fence about J and about us... but I'm leaning towards the Completely Alone yard more so than towards the Alone Together one... It's nice when we're around people, and talk and share ... it makes us even look almost like a couple. But there is no sleep over anymore, and no real intimacy. No real talk of "us" anymore at all... Just talk about jobs and people and work, and family and how weird the world around us is. It's walking on eggshells time for us, after 4 years... And of course, as always, "he doesn't know" what to do about it and thus awaits... And I'm making my New Year's resolution to find another way to happiness... With him, if he wants to join me, but without if he chooses, as he's shown so far, not to. I've e-mailed him a question about what he wants as far as me in his life on November 6th. He's still thinking about it today. And I'm too tired to bring it up again. But jumping off the fence completely is hard, way harder than you might think. It's not like Ph. Breaking up with him was much easier: he was a drunk and an abuser. J is nice, and everybody sees him as the boy who pretty much hung the moon! So, it's tough. It's like saying an absolute NO to happiness, in most of the people's minds, including my parents... But I need to remember what Th., the retiring man at work, told me before he left: "A, get yourself a man who can take care of you!". He was right... And plus, conforming with J's family restrictions of having so many kids and having such an such job that would suit me better and living in such and such neighborhood that would definitely suit the entire family better is not in my character either. And these are small (or not) things that throw me off the fence in a heartbeat.
It'll be a hard Holiday Season for sure: faking it all the way, and then feeling like a bastard because they'll shower me with gifts and I will say good bye... Still on the fence.

They’re Finally Down!

… The leaves, I mean… They finally cover the ground much like a carpet of myriads of colors! Finally a good rain and wind shook the trees well that all of them fell! We’ve been dragging the fall out this year, just like J and I our relationship… Even now, in the middle of November, when my sister gets her first snow in Montreal, we still have leaves ON the trees, and the A/C is running inside! Even for North Carolina, this is pretty strange… But they finally fell today, in a whirlwind of rain!
And one more thing for the day: I discovered (on my own), that “you sure can” is such a Southernism and I need, I MUST stop using it at once! Especially around the Montreal people! Now, that I know better it scratches my ear, just like “might could” and “I have went”, which so help me the God of English Grammar have not ever come out of my mouth! Not ever!
And I started the Christmas Lent today. The year is surely over. Depressing. That’s it so far for today.

Learning to Say ‘Good Bye’? Maybe!

More couples around us together for the wrong reason: because of kids, money, because she can stay home, because he does the housework, because he loves her although she loves someone else… And we’ve tried to bring ourselves together for 4 years now, and we have thing in common, we laugh and we travel well, we have so much respect for each other, and we cannot be a couple. We can’t or we won’t, or someone or something prevents us from that… And I feel some days that I am going to scream from solitude, although that used to be my friend! I guess as you get older she turns into an ugly enemy! Nothing I can do except hope for a better day, whatever that day will bring. It’s funny how I go about my daily routine and about our “couple” routines and this can very well be our very last year together. It’s not very much fun to live your life with a deadline. Not very much fun at all. But that’s how I’ve felt this year: I don’t have an answer from J whether we’re together, we will be truly together, or we’re just living parallel lives; he needs more time to think… And that just makes me ask for more time to think, too. Every day that goes by with him not delivering me an answer I draw further and further away from him. It’s not voluntary, I think it’s almost instinctual: so I won’t get too hurt! But it happens, and I can’t control it. I HAVE to make a commitment not to say anything anymore to him: not to poison our silences with useless questions that will remain on deaf ears… I’ve GOT to try to learn how to be quiet, and listen to silence and peace. I’m tired of bitterness and questions, and defensive arguments. If he demands an answer, I will have to learn to say “I need time to think”. After all, what’s there to rush for?!
It’s quite a learning process for me. Until one day…When the need to have someone there when I wake up, or show up from work, or when I cook a meal at the end of the day will be stronger than myself and then I will finally learn to finally say ‘Good Bye’. Finally. This relationship has been the most agonizing wait I’ve known. It’s been quite a journey.
And as I’ve always said: I welcome more journeys, and I welcome more scars and band aids: they always carry a story!