Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving!

I wanted to add "or is it..?!" but I refrained myself. It's tough when you're with the family you know you have to leave in a litle while. I'm still on the fence about J and about us... but I'm leaning towards the Completely Alone yard more so than towards the Alone Together one... It's nice when we're around people, and talk and share ... it makes us even look almost like a couple. But there is no sleep over anymore, and no real intimacy. No real talk of "us" anymore at all... Just talk about jobs and people and work, and family and how weird the world around us is. It's walking on eggshells time for us, after 4 years... And of course, as always, "he doesn't know" what to do about it and thus awaits... And I'm making my New Year's resolution to find another way to happiness... With him, if he wants to join me, but without if he chooses, as he's shown so far, not to. I've e-mailed him a question about what he wants as far as me in his life on November 6th. He's still thinking about it today. And I'm too tired to bring it up again. But jumping off the fence completely is hard, way harder than you might think. It's not like Ph. Breaking up with him was much easier: he was a drunk and an abuser. J is nice, and everybody sees him as the boy who pretty much hung the moon! So, it's tough. It's like saying an absolute NO to happiness, in most of the people's minds, including my parents... But I need to remember what Th., the retiring man at work, told me before he left: "A, get yourself a man who can take care of you!". He was right... And plus, conforming with J's family restrictions of having so many kids and having such an such job that would suit me better and living in such and such neighborhood that would definitely suit the entire family better is not in my character either. And these are small (or not) things that throw me off the fence in a heartbeat.
It'll be a hard Holiday Season for sure: faking it all the way, and then feeling like a bastard because they'll shower me with gifts and I will say good bye... Still on the fence.

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