Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Learning to Say ‘Good Bye’? Maybe!

More couples around us together for the wrong reason: because of kids, money, because she can stay home, because he does the housework, because he loves her although she loves someone else… And we’ve tried to bring ourselves together for 4 years now, and we have thing in common, we laugh and we travel well, we have so much respect for each other, and we cannot be a couple. We can’t or we won’t, or someone or something prevents us from that… And I feel some days that I am going to scream from solitude, although that used to be my friend! I guess as you get older she turns into an ugly enemy! Nothing I can do except hope for a better day, whatever that day will bring. It’s funny how I go about my daily routine and about our “couple” routines and this can very well be our very last year together. It’s not very much fun to live your life with a deadline. Not very much fun at all. But that’s how I’ve felt this year: I don’t have an answer from J whether we’re together, we will be truly together, or we’re just living parallel lives; he needs more time to think… And that just makes me ask for more time to think, too. Every day that goes by with him not delivering me an answer I draw further and further away from him. It’s not voluntary, I think it’s almost instinctual: so I won’t get too hurt! But it happens, and I can’t control it. I HAVE to make a commitment not to say anything anymore to him: not to poison our silences with useless questions that will remain on deaf ears… I’ve GOT to try to learn how to be quiet, and listen to silence and peace. I’m tired of bitterness and questions, and defensive arguments. If he demands an answer, I will have to learn to say “I need time to think”. After all, what’s there to rush for?!
It’s quite a learning process for me. Until one day…When the need to have someone there when I wake up, or show up from work, or when I cook a meal at the end of the day will be stronger than myself and then I will finally learn to finally say ‘Good Bye’. Finally. This relationship has been the most agonizing wait I’ve known. It’s been quite a journey.
And as I’ve always said: I welcome more journeys, and I welcome more scars and band aids: they always carry a story!

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