The other day I was asked what happened to the hiatus in my writing. I used to say that I was not be able to write when I was happy. Misery always pulled me out of my heart and prompted me to spill my guts. I guess it was asking for compassion…or something… I have been writing indeed, in my notepads and journal, every chance I get, between work and home, in my car at a stop light, before bed, in the morning, over coffee. I cannot live and not write, I don’t think. But the pc is a different matter. That takes time and free hours.
So, why no time? And what have I been doing with my days? I guess I can use a cliché and say I just have been “busy living”. I guess existing, and moving from rainy day to hot day connecting to people and balancing my check book. I guess. Some trips here and there, for a weekend, or for a day; a lot of keeping in touch with people; working and getting exhausted from working; not even reading, which bugs me; not even shopping. Just being. And a lot of thinking, lately, too. A lot! I have indeed been going out more, and trying to observe the world around me more.
I feel, if I have to make a judgment of what I find out there, that I am hanging between 2 generations now, and I don’t feel like I belong to either of them. I am not 20 something anymore, but I am not quite 40 yet either… I think most of the time I feel closer to the 40 some year old than the 20 some’s and that is strange: I was 20 at some point. I know what THAT’s about!! I am out there, with friends and friends of friends and co-workers, and I cannot relate at all to the 20 some year olds, although I am closer in age to them than the 40 some crowd. Their ‘cluelessness’ and immaturity make me smile, at best. Their compulsive use of cell phones and i-pods annoys every pore of my body, most of the time! I don’t find the patience for that. Heck, I have no patience for the news cast anymore. I feel like technology and electronics, with the exception of the cd player, while cooking at night or on a car ride, eat at my brain cells like cancer.
So, lately, I s’ppose, I have been out and about, in public places, trying to figure out where I belong, to what I belong. I have also been trying to widen my life with new-ness: new people, music, goods, wines, life choices, books, and fields of interest. I was not going to be “attached” this year. This was my year of a break, where I can regroup, reinvent and move on. Attached or not, I am still trying to do that, and so far I am having fun with it. Of course, through it all, I needed to come back to my purple mat, because nothing is ever built on a shaky foundation. So, that’s where it all starts for me this year. And the rest will take care of itself.
No, I am not breaking from writing because I am happy; I am breaking from writing, at least on my pc, from not having enough hours in a day to do it all. And as I have said, I am not a big fan of technology (just don’t tell my boss that!!), so you won’t see me carrying a laptop around like it’s my life support. If only I could get a secretary to type in my notepad, you’d see I’ve been quite prolific, in fact.
As for happiness, I think I have decided a long time ago, that completely independent of the outside factors, it’s an innate attitude; so, as long as I live it’ll be here; just like my cholesterol…