Wednesday, December 02, 2009

The Proposal

“And I don't regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you …”  (Lila McCann – To Get Me To You )

They will tell you that “every little girl dreams of her wedding day”. Well, I am here to tell you that this one (meaning me) isn’t. Wasn’t, actually. I never spent any sort of time thinking how my wedding day will be. For one thing, I hate the puffy dresses! And for another, I never believed I was going to get a wedding day!

I know: this is strange, coming from a woman who’s been married before, but really: never given any thought about it. I used to threaten dad that I would be married in jeans on a desert island, and my first wedding came pretty close to that threat.

All my life, if I have ever searched for anything, it was not a wedding day, but a great, twin kind of friendship in a perfect partner!

Where I come from, people are stars. And most of us have our twin star. And we believe when we find our twin star, we will live happily “ever after”. Only I believed all my life that my twin star was a shooting star, so he must have fallen, at some point, into nothingness. I continued through life alone, lonely and single. And I stopped searching. Really. Well, hoping I am wrong, sure. But not hopeful enough.

And without hope, and with much faith, I found him. And he gave me all I could ever want and then some. He not only gave me the twin brain I was looking for, but also the deep understanding of who I am, and why I am this way – seen in the most perfect mirror. Even the most self assured need approval, you know.

He is the one I have always thought to be with, because he reads me like a book, even when I am silent. He is like the rock I have always envisioned: there for me, even in the most frightening storm. He has guts and he has a mushy heart. Just the perfect combination!

On the day he asked me to join him on his life’s journey, he picked the perfect spot, cooked the most perfect breakfast and had the most wonderful conversations ready. That’s how you know you found him – when he gives you the most perfect day, just because: he picked the spot I would pick to start a journey, or reflect on my past and regroup. He gave me the food I most crave (bacon, of course). Picked the most perfect sweet wine for dinner. Climbing on top of a 7000 ft mountain and looking in the valley, as if looking at my past and towering over it, victorious, is what I would have picked when restarting any of my journeys. He knows my love for mountains, and he builds on it, as I would.

He knows me and cherishes me, and scolds me when I need it. As I always tell him, and thank him for it: “he makes sure my head stays the right size”, while loving me completely and unconditionally. I cannot tell you enough about the man I love and with whom I am about to step into a new life. I can never find the words to describe our relationship, or our love. It’s just that sublime! And yet so easy.

It comes so natural, that it scares me. It’s just as simple as putting on your most comfortable pair of shoes or your most favorite dress. Nothing is forced. And nothing is hard. It’s as easy and natural as breathing.

So, yeah, I found the twin I have always craved for, but now, that the wedding is coming up – I am lost. You see, I am not one of those folks who planned it all her life! So, I have no clue “what I want" or what "needs to be".

I know we need to get a minister, and a restaurant, and invitations, and hotels, and a dress (I think I am too old for jeans!) and flowers and music, and … but I am not quite sure where to look to find them all.

Of course, I am still waiting for the shock of it all to end. I wanted a twin friend. I got him, but he wants a wedding …Being my twin, of course, he has no vision on this “wedding” business. So, I am puzzled. But I know we will come up with something … It’s just one formal step into the big happiness which is to follow. I hope.

Till then, I am just enjoying the journey, hand in hand, and heart in heart, from that peak on Mount Nebo onto the unknown and the familiar of our wonderful life together.

I love you, my sweet, and thank you for daring …

The "big question" was asked above The Devil's Kitchen - a rock formation near Mount Nebo, around the Provo, UT area - a place that exudes infinity, openness and permanence - so help us God ...


Hana Carlton said...

It is sooooo wonderful! I wish you all the happiness I experienced myself...

Elina said...

Wow, i nearly cried with joy and love reading your post. Tell A. that he will have all our love for making you so happy. I wish you both the happiness you deserve ! Elina and Julie