Sweet 16

I just finished reading the blog post I wrote the day you were born (https://wander-world.blogspot.com/2008/04/from-heart.html). And this reminds me: you are part of this generation that lived your entire life on the internet. Between blogs and Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat - your life has been thoroughly documented somewhere ... 

There is not much more to say that has not been shown or said, is there?! Only you make sure that there is ... You are a growing boy - a boy? Not anymore. But not quite a man yet, to paraphrase a famous song. A growing boy (to me, you’ll always be a boy) with endless resources to grow, surprise, learn, shock, inform, and remind us that there is no boring minute when you’re watching a child come of age. So, there is so much more to say, still! 

Today, you are reaching a milestone. There was one year, and then three, and then five, and then seven, and ten. And now, it’s 16. It’s that sweet but also bitter time when you want to hang on to your innocence but life and people have other plans for you. You had small bites of real life so far, but they were more or less spent under the watchful eyes of your parents and family. From now on, you will need to figure out how to look for life opportunities and show us what you’ve learned. Will you remember everything we taught you? Will you know when to apply all the teachings we’ve all imparted so you can make better choices than we ever made?!  Time will have to tell and we’re waiting with baited breath for you to show us ... 

I hope that you’ll never lose your sense of humor, fun and partly your innocence, but that you’ll be able to also make really good and everlasting choices starting today. I hope that you will slowly but surely come into your own mature self - into a good, serious, reliable, and more than anything kind human being. I truly hope so ... I truly wish you so ... 

On this celebratory day, I am grateful for every minute I have ever spent in the past 16 years thinking and praying for you, and for every minute we spent together ... We never know what will come, but I always cherish what we already have: 

My wedding day ...

Watching you learn woodworking and teaching you knitting ....

Watching you cook  your first breakfast... 

Making your own art ... (I wish you’d remember your talent!) ... 

Writing your first computer game ... (yeah, whatever happened to that?!) ... 

Crossing Lake Ontario to Toronto Island together in search of peace ...

Touring Casa Loma ... 

Taking you to your first dip into the Atlantic Ocean when we were barely a year old ... 

You introducing me to beaver tails (you created a monster!) ... 

I’ll always have these memories, and more: taking you to your first baseball game, musical, and your first spinning restaurant. And not to forget: watching our first ever total solar eclipse together - surely a first and who knows - maybe the only one. 

You might never be a little boy with Spiderman facepaint in the middle of summer ever again - but I hope we will always continue to build memories together, small treasures of boxed time that we can cherish forever ... 

I wish you all the happiness in the world, but more than that - I wish you wisdom and kindness! With them, happiness will come. 

Happy birthday, sweet Pat! Enjoy your day and may the new year ahead be the best one yet! Here’s to strong, peaceful, happy beginnings! 

Much love ... 

I treasure every face, I remember every year, looking forward for more milestones to come ...

49 on 4-9 (2024)

As I start the last year of my fourth decade, I unavoidably look back at my life so far and wonder what I have learned, if anything. Was it all worthwhile so far? Who would be able to be the judge of that? 

If I were to name my decades, it would go something like this: 10-Waking Up; 20-Coming of Age; 30-Finding Love; 40-Growing Up. That’s right. Sometimes you’ve got to live for 49 years (sometimes more) before you feel like you’ve grown up. So, kids, there is no rush! 

Some things I now know for sure:  having a bad hair day is really,  usually, the least of your worries; some people, friends and blood relatives alike, will not only let you down, but they will rip your heart right out of your chest, put it through the grinder and chuck it in the road to be run over by all traffic, over and over again forever; and there is no damn thing you can do about that, other than learn from it and move on; time is never ever wasted when you spend it watching a sunset, a sunrise or when making conversation with a kitten cat; try every food, even if you're gonna spit it out; if someone invites you on a trip somewhere you’ve always wanted to go, and you have $30 in your bank account, pull out a credit card and charge it, but go, nonetheless. It will be worth it. Come to think of it: always keep a working credit card with enough room on it to splurge for a random present for yourself or the next impromptu trip. Always! 

No trip, no travel is ever wasted, even when encountering the worst experiences (and still remaining alive to tell the story). Nothing allows you to grow into a better, more alert, smarter, more compassionate, richer human being than travel. Embrace it, learn to love it. It’ll be your ticket out of yourself and into a bigger, more fulfilled, rounder, more flavorful and colorful world. Every. Single. Time.

I am 49 today. The good doctors of 1983 Romania were sure I am not going to ever see 26, or even get out of my teens. You do not understand the gratitude, the sheer high that comes out with this accomplishment, unless you’ve lived it. 

Another thing I know for sure now is that you must listen to your doctors, but you also must always question them and check the science for yourself. They know the books, but only you know you. Ask, challenge, understand. These are no crimes. These are signs that you love yourself. Loving yourself is not a crime. (OK, in all honesty, I am still working on this one!) 

Sometimes the smallest flowers are the show stoppers and the breath-takers. I’d take one freesia over 1000 roses every day of the week. 

I love willows the best out of all the trees, for their humility.

Your step will get heavier, your bones will get stiffer, your medicine strengths will increase, your smile will require a higher threshold to show, but whatever you do, don’t ever stop moving forward. Whatever you do, do not settle. Whatever you do, do not stop and do not go back. Whatever you do, look forward to the next day, the next breath, the next challenge. Live loudly, even if it’s just loud enough for you. You don’t need an audience to celebrate. 

This last decade kicked my butt in many ways - it started with open-heart surgery at 40, and it pulled me kicking and screaming through finding my new normal with a new heart, seeing one parent survive cancer while collapsing under another more dehumanizing disease later on (yeah, really!), through the Covid years and losing my mentor, longest love of my life, my dad, among other losses. 

And yet, I know that I always want more. I humbly am grateful for the lessons and for this rebel and stubborn resilience, and am ready for more.

I know for sure that the crooked, uneven, twisted ways of life are so much more fun than the straight and narrow. So much more colorful. And I am a better, kinder, stronger person because of them. I also know that my great-grandma was right: no matter where we go, no matter what we go through or accomplish, we are all poor and alone at the end. Just like we came into this life. There is some letdown in this but also some comfort. 

One last thing I know for sure: no matter how much you hate surprises, when a loved one throws you a surprise birthday party, embrace it, cherish every moment of it and do not argue with them. There will come sooner than you think yet another birthday where you’d give your right arm to have one more birthday with that person, surprise or otherwise, and it’ll be too late. 

More than anything: be thankful. Painfully, blood-knuckled, giant-tears-bawling-eyed, desperately, thankful. For everything and everyone who got you here … 

Quebec City, Canada - even on a twisty year, never saying no to travel …