Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Bitter

" In the midst of nothingness, there is a road that goes directly to my true home."
(Gesshu)

The taste of life sometimes turns so bitter you feel you have just chewed on your own bile! So bitter it makes your eyes tear and your teeth cringe! Your own person becomes the very essence of this bitterness and this sickness; you want to hide, but there is nowhere you hide from yourself. Your body hurts, the tongue in your mouth, the image in your bathroom mirror. You want a punch in the stomach just so you can appease the pain of the heart.
And you remember all the things they say about life: that it’s nothing more than a pile of shit with whipped cream on top; sometimes Fate throws a cherry in, too; and that you pay dearly for happiness, while pain is free… All those things you know, and you refuse to believe when you have horses’ blinds.
But somehow, you find the strength (does crawling require strength?!) to move on and shake it off. And pray for band aids and less cloudy days! You pray and you hope. Although what you really “have” is the now, and the now is so bitter and endless. I never believed that I could say, in any circumstance, that the “now is endless”, but the bitter and painful now is!
And somehow, subconsciously, you know you’ll be all right. Somehow, you know that one day you’ll return home, to your true self, which indeed is pure, and whole and so healthy! You trust that you will find that road back to your sweet (oh, so sweet!) self, and the balm will calm the pain. And you know it’s never too far; it’s right here, but the tears and the pain prevent you from seeing it… In the meantime, you just throw up to get rid of the bitterness and purify! It’s a life ritual, and you cannot pull back from it. As much as it hurts, you feel good already…

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