We are broken and stranded today.
We are lonely and drifting aimlessly in a sea of doubt.
We sleepwalk through every challenging day like ghosts or mummies, stiff and gloomy.
It's nice out - way too nice for a February day: snowdrops are on sale on every street in this old Moldovan town, people are wearing their thick coats wide open, or on their arms ... There is a smell of spring in the air, of new life, of new hope, but our heads down in our problems, we barely notice ...
I have no presents. I have no card. I have no food nor plan for where it might come from on your special day ...
My heart cries because you deserve so much more. You deserve everything. You deserve the world and the moon and the stars, all the kittens and puppies of the world, all in one neat package, tied with a green bow. Like your favorite color, like the Montana pines, like your eyes ...
We are hurt. And we are drifting. We are lost, truly. Far from home and with no definite map of where to next ...
But most than anything, more than any of all the material things we are not, we are together. We are drifting, but we are drifting together … I can reach out across the bed, across the table, across the pavement when we walk the streets and feel you there. And my world is whole again. My dark hours light up like the skies during a Northern Lights exposure. Amazing, beautiful, hopeful. I hear your voice first thing in the morning and I know I can tackle it all. I see you smile at our kitten's picture and I know you're the one.
There are no words in any amount of dictionaries that can explain how much I love you and how much I worship the day you were born. February has brought me and us a lot of tragedy, a lot of pain, but all is forgiven because it has also brought you.
I am not even sure if I would be here today without you, without your care and your unwavering love, but if I were, I would be even more lost and more dark and more desperate than I am now ...
I know this is not a happy birthday - not in the wholesome sense of this word - but I wish you a birthday where you know how happy you make me and others by just being in the world. My family, your mom, your friends love you and are ever grateful for putting color in their lives and smiles on their faces. And me - you build me up; you hold me; you heal me when I am cracked; you catch me when I fall. You are everything, Mr. Aa. And I can only hope I can be an iota of all that for you...
Try to enjoy today and let's make it amazing the first time we get a chance for a do-over, hopefully soon. I love you!
Happy February 27th!
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