We carry our scars with us ...

We carry our scars with us. Into the grave we go. Every scar, and every healing patch goes with us… All the experiences and relationships, go buried and never returned… Every “brown eyed girl” song, and every sunset on the beach that reminds us of a certain relationship; every time we made love in a tent, or on the beach, or in a club, every time someone said we’re “hot”, or “ I love you”… every time we smell hey… every time we drink from the stream, the cold stream, running shallow and fast over the peaks…Every crisp morning in the mountains…
Every fearful step we took towards building a “relationship”… it all gets marked, yes, as a “notch on our … flesh” … and gets buried with us. Who cares? Where does it all go? Is God going to quiz us on it? Is St. Peter? What about Paul? Who cares?! By the time we’re done here, it’s so much part of “us” that it doesn’t matter…
We’re richer and maybe wiser (who’s the judge of that??) after every person we meet touches our life (and everyone we meet does! Positively or not – no judgment here…they just all do)… But who do we share this richness with? No one and every one…
We are who we are because of all the little spoonfuls of sand that everyone that knows us added to the big pile! And we’re different because of all of them. Unspoken, unmentioned “mentors” and “sand-adders” – they all contributed.
Each one of them added a feature to our character.
Because of a song, because of a castle, because of a high mountain, because of a fear we overcome, because of a breathless sunset and a blistering winter somewhere … we are different… We are … who we are at this moment…because of all of them… “casualties” (really??!!)…in our path…
They drag us down and they carry us through… They are our cross to bear and our Golgotha to climb… That’s why we accept them all so unconditionally… We have no choice, but surrender.
We share them unconsciously every time we take the next step without them… And they’re silent pieces of what we show to the world as “us”… They deserve some credit… Some; but who’s willing to give it to them?
I am just … giving “thanks”… to adding a little piece of “something” to the already over-complicated “me”…

Completely randomly… dislocated thoughts …

Aren’t you happy that you’re not 18-20 anymore?? I surely am! I am happy that I am not 18 when we tend to torture ourselves for the sake of attention. At 18 our poor brain must really feel like if we don’t go out of our way to f(*&& ourselves up completely, life is over! I was never much focused on my appearance, because I was brought up to invest time and money and passion on what lasts, and clothes, makeup and accessories only last while the season is in, so I never wasted any time. But I was always fascinated by my peers… You know: when you’re 18 and you dye your hair this hideous color (purple? Pink? Blue? Whatever the hell strikes your fancy when you drink too much and you don’t see the daylight clearly), and pierce your eyebrows, and your lips and your nose (oh, especially your nose!), and your cheeks and God knows what else visible, because it has to be visible, and then you stand still and hope someone notices. And you walk slow. And you stare. And you hope that people see you. And all people can think of when they see you is “ well, yeah, you’re weird! And you’re hurting! And you look like an idiot! And your parents are failures! What’s your point?! What else you want me to see there? ’Cause it ain’t that deep!” – and you know that … but every day, you go out into the world with your tight jeans and piercings that don’t allow you to eat or kiss, or f(*^%, and you feel “noticed”… And being weird is “cool”. It’s better than being … nothing (in your shallow mind, because at 18 I swear kids’ minds are about half of an inch deep, hormones and too much “book learnin’ “ just clutters it altogether!). Oh, but all the ridiculousness is all worth it! … when you’re 18… sure it is!
I am glad I am past that! I am past being a monkey at the zoo!

People from MySpace, please, I beg of you: learn how to speak English (Romanian?!) BEFORE you email me! “ I like you/ your profile, so why don’t you hit me up” ain’t gonna do it, dude! Like I said before: I would hit you up … over the head, but I got no time to find your ass! So, stop spamming me!

And please: your MySpace default picture is … a PickUp truck??? Pray tell me what THAT is gonna do for me?! Ok, yeah, very attractive indeed! You haul dead or smelly, run down, pieces of junk. And my interest would lay where?! Not in THAT bed, I assure you! I hate any kind of car-show-off-ness as it is, but c’mon! PickUp trucks??? I know we live in the South, but you must have a clue that THAT is not a “pickup” … car! It is JUST a “pickup”! At least borrow your rich cousin’s Camaro, or something … Please, show a little “class” (I hurt myself laughing again…)…

I find lately that dating is as hard as hanging art on the walls: so rarely do you hit a stud! Yeah, you need a magnet … but without one, you’re lost!

You know who wore rings through their noses in my country? Pigs! We put rings in their nose, thick metal ones, so they would not dig the soil; it hurts their nose, you see, and they start bleeding and that way they don’t dig the yard all over the place! Oh, I am so glad I had my mom to remind me of that when I was 18!! So glad!
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Blue Couch Wake

“The moment I let go of it was the moment I got more than I could handle…” (Alanis song)
PS: I can only hope so…

OK. I admit I do have the occasional T-Shirt I used to go to bed in when I was 14 and had a crush on Al Pacino (I figured he might like it …). Yes, I still have the elephant print tank that I stole from a production line back home, when we went into a field trip to a textile plant in 4th grade; and yes, I still wear it, when I miss home. And don’t we ALL keep our college jeans that will never, ever fit us?! (I swear my bones grew!).
But to get attached and emotional about … a couch? I mean, I have been able to pack very little belongings into ONE suitcase and move across the Ocean into a different continent once. I have lived in 6 homes in less than 10 years now… I have had 4 cars so far (less than 10 years again)… I said good bye for good to people, and places that I loved and adored. I have seen the love of my life die, and still lived to tell the story… I have just left a place behind…
Every spring and every fall I get rid of maybe a quarter if not half of the contents of my closets (all of them). I have been known as a “thrower”. I believe in physical and emotional cleansing, as often and thorough as it’s necessary… I always hear my grandmothers tell me: “Honey, when we go, there is only so much you can fit between 4 boards. Learn to let go of material things”.
But this couch, somehow, is different. For some reason, something about that couch I threw out tonight just made my heart shift! It was the first couch I had in this country; the couch my then future husband first mentioned we might get married on, the couch of many naps in lazy Southern afternoons, and the couch of my cats’ first naps under my roof, too. It was the “coming of age” marker for me. It was a dark blue couch, nothing particular about it, a little bigger than a love seat, with annoying sliding pillows everywhere on it… And yet the thought of just telling it tonight “you’re dismissed”, “you’re no longer needed”, just like that, and the image of leaving it out there, in the rain, and the damp weather close to breaks my heart… I hoped someone would come and pick it up, and give it another second life, but no one came. The darkness fell on it; and then the rapacious rain. And then my heart sank… I just don’t know how to let go of the silly couch!
I guess for so many years and lonesome nights it was the anchor of my home, in the main room of my home… I just never imagined my living room without the blue couch, I guess. It’s even been replaced already, by a bigger, queen size sleeper, that’s beige-green and has no personality (yet?!). My old, torn and stained couch had memories, and life, had proof that people, and cats and kids have shared it and have loved it. Had … personality. It’s weathered the last 10 years of my life. And I know the cats are missing it, too…I feel like a traitor and a bad, bad mother…
I guess the feeling of ending, and impermanence, and disposability that even us humans, not only “things” share is just so vivid, when I see it sitting at the curb, that it makes me cry. “All good things must end”, huh?!
I am always excited about the door opening and can never see the one that just closed. But this one couch really closed that door tonight, with a bang! Or it never yet closed it fully. It still wants to peek in…
I know, I am becoming neurotic and I need to stop. But I can’t. Tonight, I’ll mourn…

One word on dating. Or not.

Maybe I am old. Or maybe I am just boring. Or maybe… just maybe, there is a chance that I have always been boring. Or old. Or both. Who knows? I have always been picky about people (maybe about everything…), and partners, and I have always accepted aloneness to so-and-so relationships. People admire that. I sometimes hate it (oh, it would be so much easier to just suck it up to a guy to just have a date for that office party and not feel like the third wheel for the millionth year in a row, or for that family wedding). But right now, I really enjoy it. I really enjoy knowing what I want and how I want it. I really have learned over the years two things: how to live in the now, and how to live without regrets. And they are interdependent: if you live in the now fully and completely, listening to your heart, NOW, wonderful memories get created and you never have to regret anything. All you have to look back on are … well, wonderful memories… But I digress, because these are matters for another page.
The point I was trying to make tonight is: yes, I have been single for a while and sometimes I know it’s because of my choosing. It’s not for lack of attention from people. But for lack of tolerance towards the casual, so-and-so, lukewarm relationships. I’d rather be here, writing, resting, listening to Chris Isaak and drinking my wine than be out there, having a boring dinner with an annoying Joe, “just because maybe it can turn into something special and I might not have to spend Fourth of July alone again”… or Thanksgiving…or Christmas… or … whatever…
Sometimes I tell myself that I am quick to judge. For instance, this stranger approaches me in the store, and “wants to hang out, ‘cause I tell him I am single and he likes my hair” (sic). (I guess the small iota of common sense he had left prevented him from allowing himself to tell me what else he likes). And I refuse to go out, of course, because, if you go out with me, even for “just” a dinner, you gotta like more about me than just my hair. Or you have to be sophisticated enough to invoke loftier reasons. I thought everyone knew not only that are a ton of fish in the sea, but also that if you intend to catch one, the bait’s gotta look decent, too! And to me, it’s never “just a dinner”. It’s an hour, two, three , who knows of my time which I will never get back. Yeah… I need a better, MUCH better reason from a complete stranger to give that dinner time away, my friends! Sorry.
Yeah, I may be an elitist and demanding and … I also think I am worth it. If I am not going to be all that, who is? And why sell myself short? Why? When at the end of every day all I have left for sure in that bed is this one person with certainty, why not treat her with the care, love and respect she deserves? If not me, who else is going to do that? And I always feel like I am not 18 anymore, so I can’t just have the excuse that I am “experimenting” either. NO. I have done that. And now I know exactly what it is that makes me tick. And you either have it or you don’t and I can pretty much tell what “first impression cues” are there and what aren’t. I think I am that good, yes. And I am old fashioned too: first impressions do matter as they always have…
At any rate… I guess I am not looking to date or not NOT looking either. I am just being myself every day, and I know that kind of truthfulness will pay off, eventually.
But I am not holding my breath, either. I look at dating as part of life, of course, but not as its air. I look at it, at least now, and for a while now, like a good, really great trip I might take one day. If the money, and resources will allow, it will happen and if not, I’ll read about it in books and magazines, even see a documentary about it – oh, well. And just like that trip: when the time is right and I am ready for it, I will be picky about the hotel, the airlines, the carry on bags and the brand of my suitcase; about the music I bring along, and the books I carry. About the aisle or the window seat and about the beach front or the beach view room. Just like that. If that makes me old and picky and boring… oh, well, again. There is no one else to please by that one person, that I find alone in bed every night now. And that person happens to be pleased.

I miss my dad

… I miss him, when I have to put shelves up and I am spending 3 hours in the hardware store to decide what kind of anchors and screws I need for my shelves! I miss him when I need to dig in my garden, and he can do it so effortlessly, while I lay in bed with muscle cramps for a week after I do it…
I miss him when I come home from work and I eat junk food, when I know, if he were here, he would cook me a 3 course gourmet meal every single day of the week, AND on a budget, too! I miss him when I have to call the phone people, and the gas, and the tv people, and the bank for my change of address and for troubleshooting … He loves doing the legwork, and the errands every single day, not with patience, but with promptness! And a LOT of energy; energy that I don’t have right now!
Most of all, I miss him when he puts things into perspective for me: “ this is what you left behind, he would say, this is what’s ahead, and this is what you need to be proud of, and this is what you need to still work at”. Oh, yeah, dad is a “no bullshit” kind of guy, so he will keep me straight on things I need to work at. No matter how deep his love, he always acknowledges I am not perfect. To me, that is true love!
And I surely miss him when I am trying for 5 hours to mount my shelves and drill my holes into the wall 100 times till the wall looks like it’s been at war, and shot at; and the shelves are still moving…:-)
And I hate life, when I miss dad! I really do! I fall asleep sighing and praying for his health and many, many happy years, so next time when I move, he can be here, and … not missed at all!

New home

When do you know that you have arrived home after moving into a new place? It will take a while, I am sure, to fit in and feel like the new place is finally “home”… but when do you actually get that overwhelming feeling that yes, you’re finally back under a roof all your own, cozy and that accepts you unconditionally and fully at the end of a good, bad, drunken, dizzy, or just ordinary day??
When do you get that “a-ha” moment where you don’t feel like you’re just visiting for the week in the new place you just moved into? Because I feel like everything I touch, although my own, feels like mom’s or grandma’s house – familiar, but not quite mine…
Is it when you stop going to the old grocery store which is across town, but who cares, it’s worth it to you, since you know where the cheese aisle and the bread aisle are? Or maybe when you stop going to the old neighborhood pharmacy, also across town?
I have been trying to look for the “welcome home” day since I have moved over a week ago , and I don’t think it’s hit me yet!
In search of the old “me”, I have tried to make my first breakfast here, and the eggs were rotten (sorry, forgot to buy new ones during the packing and the moving and I let them expire!). Then I cooked one of my favorite dinners the other night, chicken noodle soup, but I felt more flu-y then home-y, so that doesn’t count…
I thought maybe I am finally home since my cats are now getting back into the old routine of breakfast, snacks, and wet food dinner, but that was not it , either… Maybe it’s the fact that half of my things is still in boxes that doesn’t allow me to relax? Maybe it’s the eerie quietness… Maybe it’s the “wrong” (read: “different”) positioning of the bed? Whatever it is, I am still shuffling the puzzle pieces to figure out how ALL is going to fit. But when it does, and the peace will be restored, I just know that I will know it right away! And so will the people around me, who have lost me also, lately, under a BIG pile of boxes and dusty bed spreads…

It's Sad

Disclaimer: I love America and everything it stands for, especially Freedom. And I realize that there is no room for a "but... " here, and yet... I wanted to say: wouldn't you think someone, somewhere, out there, or UP there ... would make tougher laws and put more restrictions on who gets to own a gun?! Not just for MY own safety and not to be discriminatory, but for the safety of the, well... majority of this country. When the minority of one person kills the majority of 32 ... I think we need to rethink our system. Don't you?? One piece of advice: listen to that Creative Writing professor with a British accent had to say about the killer. I really think that a system as great as ours should have done more to stop such a sick mind from having access to the easiest mass killing devices there are!
The fact that anyone can buy guns, REAL guns, at WalMart right across the aisle from the ... toy department ... is not only beyond disturbing: it is also doing nothing but encouraging an already flawed law... And it's sad. For the sake of the bright and innocent and the peaceful and the free... it is sad.

On Surprises: Easter ... or Christmas?!

I love surprises! No, I mean it! I am one of those freaks that will break up a relationship for the simple reason that …well, it’s not surprising and unexpected enough and the spice of life just ain’t there! I need to be surprised! I thrive on it. I act better and make better decisions when I am pushed against the wall and forced to make an unexpected decision. It’s just what moves me: the thrill of not knowing what’s around the corner.
Well, with that said, and being true to my very quirky self … I really mind …and I mean: REALLY mind … changes in weather! Unexpected changes in weather drive me berserk! I know, makes no sense, right? Because if anything is the quintessence of changes, it is the weather, right?? Yes, I have been known to drive to the Outer Banks when there is a volunteer evacuation for an approaching hurricane, and I have been known to go to Romania in March, when the winter is not over yet, and the possibility of being stuck is very high – yes, I am a daredevil like that, but … if I am expecting something from the weather, well, it better deliver!
So, yes, I mind when Christmas decides to return for Easter, yes, I do! I planned a nice, restful getaway this weekend, to Asheville, which is simply one of my favorite towns in the world, and the changing weather decided to screw it all up for me. I planned a trip where I could feel renewed and revived by the new season (i.e. “spring”), where I could wake up with the world around me, with the plants and the trees and the birds coming back from the hot climate, like the spring prompts us to, and the weather had other plans for me.
I usually take a trip somewhere dear to me for my birthday, and I thought Asheville would be the perfect trip this year. Great places to eat, all-natural, all-vegan places to eat for my Lent “feasts”, great galleries, great downtown walks, rich people-watching in the Hippy Town of the Western NC, top notch, luxury, private condo, complete with tennis court and ping pong table, great company to go along with… What more can one want for an Easter AND a birthday present??
So, donned in spring attire, and hopeful, I began my weekend in Asheville, NC on Good Friday. We knew things were chilly when we left here, and even more so when we were taking the first walk on the streets of the “Weird City” before dinner on Friday; but when we saw snow flakes gently resting on our take-home dinner boxes when we left Barley’s Taproom we didn’t think it was funny any longer!
Next morning, there was no way we were going to walk the streets in our spring jackets and flimsy sweaters, when all around us all we could see was white (except the roads) and the nearby thermometer read 38 degrees! Yes, I got cranky! Cranky that I had to stay in and shiver, when all I wanted to do was go out and buy new decorations for my new house in the coolest town (no pun intended) in NC!
Christmas felt like it was back: runny noses, dry skin, cold breeze from the occasional open porch door, and the works. Yes, we even caught colds and had to drive by the pharmacy for Tylenol, cough drops, aspirin, etc… The weekend turned into an indoors, snuggle-up-under-the-dawn-covers weekend pretty soon. Hot tea and brain-cell melting in front of the TV took the place of walks and shopping for art. Reading books and catching up on the magazine reading for the month took the place of eating gourmet food and taking pictures of flowers in the blooming arboretum or the blooming Biltmore Gardens.
But as I am never disappointed by surprises: the weekend turned out different and wonderful, still! At the end of it all, I feel rested, and somewhat cranky-peaceful! The walks were half an hour long, instead of whole afternoons, but that is better that nothing (i.e.: being in Greensboro doing house chores, right?!). Yes, we need a “do over”. But if it’s not soon, I am not going to cry! The closeness and the warmth of the condo, as well as the dolce-far-niente of the 2 full days are things that I will treasure for a while, in the midst of the too busy life I am thrown into every day in Greensboro! And hey, I got one of my most precious wishes: I got surprised!!!
Sometimes we need to be grateful for weather mishaps, I suppose! Because sometimes that’s the only way we learn how to stop, and not have a purpose, constantly. Sometimes, the weather needs to put the breaks on our lives, and make us have a change of pace. If it weren’t for the weather … the weekend would have been, well, “planned” and probably hectic. So, to go along with my true self: thank God for surprises, even those that have to do with the weather. Yes, I have no new decorations to speak of, and I have not seen Mount Mitchell on this trip, because the Parkway was closed. And no, I have not added much to my picture collection of blooms. But I am grateful for the screeching breaks … sometimes. A time like this weekend! When a change of pace was welcome (she concluded with the cheeks burning probably from fever and with a sneezy nose…Chiu!).
But I am still cranky, you see… albeit surprised!
A dear friend of mine used to say: “In the South, if you don’t like the weather, all you have to do is … wait a while. It’ll change”… And indeed it did! We had temperatures in the 70’s today, and I wore short sleeves.
For a peek at the nature on Easter this April, copy and paste this link in your browser:
http://new.photos.yahoo.com/alinaservici/album/576460762397672668

The rest is silence

As you could probably see for yourselves, I have been reduced to silence lately. Just complete silence, almost, save for little remarks in e-mails here and there.
The world, life, pain, wait, much, much pain … has rendered me mute. I am in awe at how much the human body can handle, and how much more yet the human mind does, too. I feel we are endless rubber bands at times, and we can stretch to the infinite and never break. The faith and the hope in us keep us from breaking, and give us, it seems, eternal elasticity and strength… And life in general will try to stretch us even longer, further, slimmer … But we’re not giving up. All this has had me silent …
What can I say in the face of all this might? And miracle? Anything would be trivial and trifle-like. So silence has proven golden for me, here of late. Me! The ever talkative, never at a loss for words me … has finally shut up! Is this silent death? Or just plain coming of age and wisdom?! I suppose time will decide .
I will make note of this though: I have had a date with my soul in this whole (quiet) time, and my soul says … it needs to be taken to private dates on a regular basis. Whether it is a yoga class, a silent retreat for a couple of hours in a library, or a walk in the park, or even a (you guessed it: a quiet) hike, my soul needs it, and needs it regularly… So, my next project is setting up those dates … In case you were wondering about my life lately, that is the gist of it. And the rest … is silence.

Thoughts before Valentine's Day

So… the second Valentine’s Day single… Yes, I know you should not start a paragraph with “so”! Your point?!
I really don’t feel any different (or “differently”?!?)… Being single, on Valentine’s that is … I just feel like another day is wide open in front of me, just like February 13 was last night at midnight, and it’s just my own job to fill it up with… whatever: work, shopping, chores, cat squeezes and food eating … Honest to God, I don’t feel alone, depressed, or in any other “depressing” way… as a lot of folks around me insinuate I “should” feel …
I guess it’s just because this year (just like the last) I’ve been fortunate enough to have other “hobbies” in my life, or because this year I am visiting retail stores much less than in other years (on financial purpose), but I have not been bitten by the pink-red-and-white-displays-in-every-store bug that usually visits me every year around this time! I’ve been fortunate enough to be untouched!
Oh, yeah, I am going to dinner tomorrow, but I did that last Wednesday, too! And I could have done it Sunday, too, but I had to cancel, since I was too busy! I guess trying to find another focus in your life, other than “I gotta get a mate”, helps you live this life on another dimension… I am not saying I have given up on love and now I am into friends, family, travels, and relocation… Love will be welcome, should it happen, one day! After 32 years though, I have learned: it’s when it’s expected and waited on that it’s determined to not show up… I have learned it’s something with a whim! So, should it ever happen, romance, candle lights, cuddly dinners under the covers, in front of fireplaces, lavish jewelry and tons of roses… all that … it will happen just as easily on September 8th as it will on February 14th…
So tomorrow, for me, it’ll be just another Wednesday! Half priced wine at Café Europa anyone?! (just kidding)
Have a happy one tomorrow, whatever it is that you’re celebrating! And for those who love: may you celebrate love ever day of the year and twice every Saturday or whatever day you can hire a sitter…

Driving Peeves, and these are JUST the beginning …

“Hi, my name is A… and I am a horrible passenger!” No, I don’t mean that lightly! I mean: I am a freak show when I am in the passenger’s seat! I will tell you when to put on the breaks, when to signal, I will tell you when your mirrors are crooked and when you press the pedal too hard! I will be your conscience and your alter ego, and your worst enemy, your own mind, and your worst nightmare. Yep: I will drive you insane! I need help for this Sh&^%t! Ask ALL my ex’es, ask my dad, ask my brother-in-law… I am notorious and unforgiving no matter how much I love you! Of course, people get defensive about it (especially guys) but I believe that is THEIR problem! It’s a free world: I say my peace and they do with it whatever they want: that being THEIR choice!
There is something about the road that brings out the worst in me, however! I guess it’s a feeling of you’re in a train heading at full speed for the abyss, you just want to make sure you have the best seat to have the least damage done! I am not sure…
As a driver AND a passenger, I have no mercy for whomever else is OUT there that’s not me! I am not sure where it all comes from (maybe from my controlling dad, maybe from my Arial instincts of “being first” and not being able to always do that on the Highway), but I am merciless when I am in the car, whether behind the wheel or to the right of it … Or rather my mouth is?! Either way…
All people that have dealt with me as a passenger will have to tell you that story, but for now, I’ll tell you the one of me as a driver with no patience for stupidity! ‘Cause stupidity is the ONLY excuse I will allow in other drivers when I drive…
There are people out there who develop emotional problems behind the wheel. I tell you, there are some folks with “issues” out there, issues that should be solved in a little white office, with a little short lady with outdated glasses on, while you (the other drivers that is) lie on a little white couch. There are folks developing, for instance, a personal relationship with the lane they’re in: they want to go from first to second lane, they signal, and then they “ride” the lanes, as I call it: they want both lanes, so they drive half-a$$-ed (literally) in both lanes at the same time! They SOOO want the second one, but they can’t QUITE say good bye to the first one yet, so they take both! They’re folks out there, having more trouble saying “good bye” to the first lane than a middle aged mom saying bye to her teen son leaving for Iraq for a year! It’s PAINFUL and draining and exhausting to watch! You want in the second lane, you have half of it, take it, dude! Don’t be greedy! Leave me the first one!!! Please!
On another note, there are people that LIVE in the car, I do believe! Whatever you and I do at home, they actually do while they’re driving! Whether it is “poufing” their hair and applying hair spray, or applying make up, or eating their lunch WITH chopsticks, I might add, or reading the good night “Cat in the Hat” story to their child, or catching up on the news from the paper, or writing in their journal, … whatever it is they have as a routine that day, they do it WHILE driving, at 5 miles an hour. Now, how a cop can drive past THAT and not notice is beyond me, but then again don’t get me started on the cops! Not the right blog!
I tell you, I am not sure whether it’s the South or what, but there are still people out there who have not discovered the blinker yet! They turn left and right, switch lanes, whatever… they never, ever, no matter how many hundreds of miles you spend behind them, use the signal light! NEVER! They never taught them what that lever is for in driving school, I guess. No use to them! I am wondering what THEY think that lever is for?! Or do they break it off, ‘cause they think it’s useless, and they take it home to use it for something else, like maybe a pleasure enhancer in times of loneliness… who knows?!
One of my biggest peeves, and the reason I will total my car again, rear-ending someone pretty soon, probably, is someone in a big, fat-a$$ SUV that comes to a FULL stop when they turn! There is a right turn they make (lack of blinker and all) and the big fat a$$ of a Town & Country comes to a complete stop and you’re wondering for the life of you WHY! It’s not rocket science, people! It’s a right turn!!!! I do not care if you don’t want your drooling toddler to spill their apple juice on their WalMart $2 bib!!! There are people with REAL jobs that want to go straight! This road is NOT yours!!!!!!!!!! Hurry the hell up! Slow down and TURN… Do not slow down, stop, take a breath, check on the said drooling toddler, and remember to hit the gas after 5 seconds!!!! Please! Time’s money here ….
Some folks out there develop empathy with other drivers: driver in first lane breaks, and wants to stop or slow down, driver in second lane, although they are going straight and their intention IS to go straight, slows down as well! I call that “empathy breaking” and they have nice, white rooms with little people with funny glasses in them waiting with a comfy couch for those folks! Just stay away from the roads and get in there first! Resolve your issues before you get a license!
If you’re in the first lane and you want to switch lanes and want to be in lane two, please remember that slowing down to a stop will NOT make the lane two drivers understand that you want to get over in THAT lane! If you want those drivers to understand you want their lane, Fokker, you need to put on the signal (remember? The one you ripped off?!)! Slowing down will slow down the people behind you! That’s ALL that does! That, of course, not unless you have “empathy drivers” in the second lane and then you’re just a lucky bastard!
Drive safely, folks, and remember: they call them “public roads” for a reason! They’re NOT yours!

Be aware …

Listen to the sound of clinking silverware and plates being stacked to know that it’s lunch time; listen to the sound of the shower running next door to know that it’s morning time; listen to the sound of wind chimes to know if it’s windy out. When you smell coffee in the air, you know it’s morning; when you see the cat cleaning himself, you know he’s ready for a nap, so it’s going to be quiet for a while; when you hear the vacuum running or the washer in the apartment below, you know it’s the weekend and the football game will come on TV shortly. So will the noisy guests.
Watch for the occasional smile on the other’s face, or frown, to read happiness or sorrow and to know what kind of tears to expect.
You know it’s winter if your clothes are scratchy and you know the heat is at bay when you can breathe water and mildew…
You know it’s lunch time when you smell BBQ wings from your PC at work, and you know it’s 5 o’clock when all the stalls are taken; so, be ready and patient to be stuck in traffic.
If you see a man in a wedding band staring at your ass in the check out line, with wife standing next to him, you know his marriage is over, as far as he is concerned, no matter what he will tell you…or her …But that doesn’t mean anything final, either …
When you start dreaming about white sand or white slopes, or when you start planning for tomorrow, while lying down and reading an unrelated book, you know it’s time to turn off the light and say “good night”.
Be aware of the world around you and of every single step you take. Acknowledge the world. Nothing is ever an accident. Be aware and learn… each day …

Random thought

We got a new “break room” at work. Tons of coke machines, coffee machines, and food machines, too, not just snacks, but anything from pigs in a blanket and pancakes to chicken wings. Pretty sweet! We got a brand new flat screen tv and all. For the cheap a$$ company that I work for, this is a pretty splurgy deal, I tell you!
The new “break room” is in the same spot our old cafeteria used to be, but we no longer have a kitchen! Just the machines … and tables and the TV.
And on every machine there is a sign that reads “This machine will not take break bucks. Thank you”…
And for the life of us, we sit there and wonder (especially the elitist English Language Nazis up in the newsroom copydesk): “what the HECK is a break buck”?!?!?
It’s a “break room” … but no “break bucks”, people?!?!?! What about peak of the evening, deadline bucks?! Will those work?! Or maybe “top of the morning, brand new, fresh dollars”?!? Will that be OK?! Why is the machine so darn picky about what “time” these bucks are produced?!? – people ask me (yes, the elitist ones) and I shrug, but in my brain you know I am thinking and cooking up the next blog!
I am assuming people in the general public that provide these machines, wonderful people as they are, concerned about our needs while we slave to do our job, concerned about our thirst and hunger, they have not yet discovered that the verb “to break” might have a past participle in the form of “broken”, I try to guess, with the risk of being elitist myself, right?! I suppose they only know the words “break” and “broke” as in “flat broke”. But “broken” is foreign! "Must be one of them English words they come from England or somethin’ ". We don’t do “broken”. No, Siree, for us, it’s a “break buck”… Really?! I mean, really? Is THAT what they meant?! ‘Cause my ear surely hurts. And my grammar teacher back in school said “ if your ear is abused, then it must not be right”.
Well, if that’s NOT what they meant… then YOU go ahead and figure out what “no break bucks please, thank you very much” means… And let ME know, too!
Only good thoughts for the commercially-providing world out there who caters to our thirst and hunger. Only good thoughts!

On my mind: More band aids …

I have had a long (it seems) and convoluted path so far, full of pain, love, wonderful surprises, death convictions and much, much laughter and even more tears. And through it all, I have come out smiling and hoping, and ready for the next hurdle and challenge.
I have known love, and passion, and friendship, and pain, and disappointment… Boy, have I known disappointment! I have known unbounded happiness, and bright smiles and hopefulness and comfort, and pain, and love, much love … And I am sure we all have!
I have dined with people as different as publishers and mayors to illiterate folks up in the mountains of Third World countries that never saw the ends of their village, when they died, at 98! I have loved it all and I am thirsty for more … With a smile, I will welcome it all, till the very last breath …
Through it all, I am more and more hungry for band aids, it seems. I have known that pain and “limit” situations teach us the most. Happiness is fleeting and so shallow! Pain, and want, and disappointment and hurtful tears are so rich, so deep! And they shape us, they turn us into the person we are today and tomorrow, and the next day. It’s the pain, and the dents that give us shape and character! Just like the chisel marks a sculptor makes in the marble, hit by hit, more defined and deeper, thus the hits of life and the pain define us and give us shape! Just like the wind and the rain and the snow shape a mountain, so do pain, and hunger, and want, and disappointment shape us. Sun doesn’t do much!
I am hungry for more hits … tempests … band aids. It’s then when I feel alive and blessed! And rich! To understand and know pain, to fight and dream with people in pain… I am grateful! This life is not useless, after all!When I finished high school, I had to write an essay for the year book…. My closing line was to become my motto in life: “I am at the door. I do not know what’s on the other side. I am scared… but I like it”.

Pet Peeves # 4

Long time no …read , huh?! I figured it’s a new year, new beginning, new things to annoy me… So here I am back, for the fourth installment of my peeves!
As always, hope it’s worth a read…

I drive by this sign every morning. I usually don’t see much else but the road and the car in front when I drive, but this billboard is posted at a light, so every time I catch the light, there it is, I got nothing to do and I read it. Every bloody morning, I stare and wonder at the sense of it. It writes as follows: “ To avoid altered chicken, check the label”. OK! As opposed to what?! What else CAN you do, to “avoid ALTERED chicken”?! Maybe … “smell it and pass out”?! “Feeding it to your children and watching if they die”?! What kind of sane person sits in front of a pack of dead chicken parts just bought in the store and wonders helplessly : “Well, Gee, HOW do I tell how old this chicken is?”…. Mmm… yeah!

I wonder about this every time I drive up to an ATM. Every time. And I know, now you’re going to say I am boring: “EVERY time?!” Yeah, my life is really not THAT happening! So… in this wonderful country (that I adore, I might add!!!) of ours we have ATM’s in Braille! No, no… excuse me: DRIVE THROUGH ATM’s with the numbers on the pad written in Braille… Ok! Why?! Who is driving the car? The blind person? That’s who the ATM’s is for, right?! OK, so, the blind person is NOT driving the car… Hhmmm… Maybe the machine is in Braille because … the passenger is blind, and it’s for them! Well, then, if the blind person walks up to the ATM, ANY ATM for that matter… how can they “see” the commands on the screen to know what to do next? Maybe there is a secret code that they can punch in, to make the machine TALK to them, because otherwise it makes no sense to me! Otherwise, we just degrade into ridicule around here, trying to be so darn “P.C.”… And I am STILL puzzled about the drive through ones… which are typically made for the drivers… Right?!

I discovered that I would not hate telemarketers so much if they didn’t sound like robots! They will actually be pleasant (some days, too many days, they’re the only calls I get!) if they sounded like humans! Ok, you’re calling me AT HOME! That is my private, protected by law, sacred place! It’s gotta be important, dude, right?! Wrong! They’ll talk to you like you’re in a total trance, in front of the television, and they advertise something: “If you can spare just $0.50 a week, you can help 100 people wipe their own noses. And for just $0.25 a day you can wipe mine too”.- because that’s what they sound to me. I don’t listen to them, once they start that script! I block them out and all I can think of is to hang up! IF, and it’s a big IF, I decide to be nice one very rare day, I tell them I am not interested before I slam the receiver! Why can’t they just be normal and say : “Hi there, I am Jane and I want your cash. I believe this is a good cause and you should freaking do it, so, what do you say?!” You don’t have to make your asking for MY money more attractive than it already isn’t! Just ask for what you called for and let me eat my dinner, all right! If I want to listen to a recording or a commercial, I’ll strive a little and turn on the TV!

And this just in today: I go into Hallmark and the sales shark jumps at me, pointing out what the specials are! This is AFTER I said in my best English I can muster: “ I don’t need any help. I am JUST browsing”. Ok, she has to kill herself and tell me ALL about the specials. This is also after she’s been obviously working all day long to put up the shiny signs that SPELL the specials very clearly, in very big type! What, does she assume we all become illiterate once we walk into Hallmark?! Why the signs if you’re gonna spend 10 minutes reading them to me! If I WANT to read the signs, I will READ the darn signs! SO, she starts, anyways; any attempt I make to walk away, look away, seem uninterested fails miserably, and she does her sales pitch: “Christmas stuff is 50% off, and Valentine’s wrapping paper and bags for 50% off also, and candles for Valentine’s Day are 25% off and this small organizer that keeps the important dates in is only $5 if you buy 5 cards, and the Valentine’s stuffed bear is so much with 3 cards and if you scratch you’re a$$”... “Listen lady” – I wanna say – “I am SINGLE! I will have Valentine’s Day alone and got no people to buy cards for, and at the rate I am going Christmas will not need decorations around my house next year, ‘cause I am hiding in a hole rather than spending it, and I walked in here to get a knife to kill myself! You got THAT?!!! If so, where and are you running a special for it?!”. They should really post a sign outside or at the door: “If you want to talk to persistent and annoying strangers even after you tell them to buzz off and buy crap you don’t need, walk in here”!
I tell you. The world we live in. Keeps me awake and amused one day at a time.

“Life’s a ride”

My dad always used to tell me to pick my music out of pieces that will stand the test of time. He used to say: “just close your eyes, and listen. And if the musicians speak to the darkest places of your inner self, and if they tell you things you will be able to find fascinating 20-30-40 years from now, and if they sound like listening to that music will not be embarrassing to listen to then, either, then you can count them amongst your favorites. Otherwise, don’t waste your time” He still says that. “Elvis, and Lennon, and Jagger, and Clapton, and Hendrix, and Joplin are never old fashioned”. And that’s been my rule of thumb in choosing my music always. I look, or try to listen to Brittney Spears and I want to scream instead. I feel insulted…
It just so happens that “Donna the Buffalo” might be one of those groups that will stand the test of time, I believe. Of course, this is biased, and totally based on what my ears can hear and how my own mind can judge. But my experience when I listen to them is so powerful that I wanted to share …
They talk about universal truths, and everyday lives, and they have a down-to-earth-ness about their lyrics, being both prophetical and mundane in a way that is definitely timeless. Their lyrics resonate with all of us, and will bear the same truths a hundred years from now, too. They just say it simply, and melodically, too:
“Used to be fooling someone
Could've been fooling me Nobody's fooling anyone now
Now because you know that talk is so cheap”
Or:“Life, love, potential love Causes so much joyHas the adverse power
To hurt you that much more”
Or:
“Times will change, that's for sureI'll be here, knock at my doorSeas will rise, seas will fallLove will see you through it allI wish you love”
Or:“The world is a wonderous puzzle Everyone a piece and every piece fits Every piece is alive making energy Energy pulls the pieces together Into a round ball
And there is love”

And the music is pure and fluid. Seldom do I find artists that are merely instruments through which the Heavens pour their richness into our worlds. They sound (and look) completely in a trance, they’re not personalities, they’re merely … things, guitars, vocal cords, drums, keyboards, wash boards and fiddles, physical presences through which millions of gallons of heavenly gold is poured into our ears, and pores, and further into our hearts and minds. They give life to sound and words. They’re gifted and patient. And they play for 3 hours incessantly, with no break, only with the urge that there’s more to be shared, and the last word has not been said yet. They bind the crowd in such a way that’s mystical almost: people that look different, in age, backgrounds, race, in every way, come together, dance with each other and hug. “It only takes just one of us to be alone” …
Being under the same roof with them for one evening is an honor and an orgasmic pleasure. (trust me, it’s NOT the beer!). You embark in this ride with them and there is no stop and you have no clue when you get there. You’re just speechless at the beauty of it all and in a complete daze at the end of the journey. The $20 you pay at the door is by far not enough to say “thank you”. They gave me energy and wisdom to last me another year.
You feel elated, and fortunate and you feel respect for people who give up all to produce art. You feel honored and richer when you leave. I also believe that nothing ever has value unless it enriches our lives somehow. And “Donna” does it plenty, in just a couple of hours.
The show was wonderful, a great start for the new year. And that’s of course, an understatement. I am always surprised how they never look tired or bored. They just are. And they just share. This type of unconditional giving is one of the few things of beauty and love this world has to offer, if you’re lucky enough to come across it.
I just wanted to say “thank you” so loudly. Somehow, though, I know, deep down, that just being a small part of the hip winding Herd for one night said just that.

Lunch plans

I joyride for lunch. Sometimes, that’s what I do. Sort of, that is… I get in the car, and rain or shine, for a ride to people watch, point, and laugh. Sort of , too!
One of my most favorite rides is through the rich and fancy part of town! I want to ride the streets lined up with ancient oaks, huge lakes, million dollar homes, and quaint old-looking (all new) shopping centers. I want to pretend just for a brief 30 minutes I am part of that life!
I used to have close relatives living in that part of town; I even lived with them for a couple of months, but now, I sat myself comfortably in the middle class, and just dream of those places and of that life.
So, I get in my car, and ride away. I watch every car that goes by, and take in as much as I can from the richness of the lawns, and the majesty of the columns of the mansions. I erase every memory of MY life, and take in the new. Refreshing, replenishing, bringing new a new picture of life. I look up at the trees and they are guarding towers, it seems, of this “rich” world. All the new communities around town have been stripped naked of the trees. The old ones keep them up, guarding this world, it seems!
I look DOWN from my Toyota sedan at the Lexus’s and Infiniti’s and Acura SUV’s and Jaguars passing me by. Older people, slow as Christmas, so bored of life, and having everything. They have nothing to hurry towards. Death only, perhaps, but why hurry then??! Younger people, soccer moms in minivans, driving slow because they’re reciting the latest baby rhyme they learned to the toddler in the back, watching the rug rat in the rear view mirror! Men in suits meeting the soccer mom in the quaint shopping center for lunch, slow on the cell phones. And then there are the pickup trucks! Even they have their own luxury about them: parked on the lawns, hauling people trimming lawns and branches.
I take it all in, and dream that for that brief moment one of the houses on the lake is mine, and the handyman is doing work for me, while I run to the store for a birthday card and some cash, and while speaking on the cell with my CEO husband who’s in Florida for the monthly convention! What would he like for dinner when he comes back?! I giggle, in my dream. I dream… and smile. And the trees look pretty and reverential. Unmoved, like the people who have forgotten, it seems to be alive. They are waiting for life to happen, it seems. Life just comes to them! They are HERE. They don’t need to rush! It’s a cultish life, it looks like.
At the coffee shop, where I stop for lunch, with today’s paper in hand, business men read the stocks page, while taking notes in their pda’s, while soccer moms, meeting each other for lunch sound disappointed that there is no Talbots Kids anywhere near that side of town, and the kids are going to “pitch a fit if they strap them down and take them all the way across town to buy them a sweater”… “ but they really need some new sweaters because Grandma Ellen bought them these sorry excuses of shirts for Christmas, and she is so cheap, bless her heart, she got them at the mall somewhere, and they just look hideous on little Annie. She can’t go out like THAT! She’s becoming quite a young lady now that she is turning 4! Talbots is what fits her best”. Oh, the dilemmas!
I dream, and smile …
I like the coffee shop in the “rich neighborhood” because it plays good music: The Beatles, and Kenny G, and Michael Bolton (yeah, laugh away!) and Classical tunes – it’s a refreshing escape. Where else do you hear THAT?! And they have fancy drinks that I never order, like mochas, lattes, and “grandes” and EVEN “never-ende’s” (I am not kidding – that’s a type of coffee). I don’t order them; I just order a $2 bagel and I read the entertainment section of the paper. And I smile and dream…
For one half of an hour a month or so I get to be a decadent voyeur and just soak in this “triflesomeness” and pretentiousness. I get to look in, and wonder what it’d be like if I was looking out. What would it be like to drive those cars, ever so slowly not to mess them up, and what it’d be like to meet my husband for lunch and not say a word, since he’s busy reading the stocks or answering the cell, and he would be so bored if I told him for the millionth time that the nest door neighbor went for their third cruise this year and bought a new Jag, and she got all new veneers, too! And then drive back home with no purpose at all, or maybe back at the store for that birthday card and some cash, and then home with no purpose at all. You know someone is either rich or old, if they get cash INSIDE of the bank, after standing in line! If they have time for ALL that, and not doing the drive through: yeah, they’re either rich or old! They have time! Time is priceless to all of us, middle-classers. We notice that! Back to my dream: Would I be bored living the rich life? Enjoy it? Would I scream out of solitude and boredom?! Or would I enjoy the peace and quiet? Is there peace and quiet, or it is all pretense? Is there more noise than they let us hear from out here?!
And I make up little stories about all the people I see in my head, and I look around one more time, one last view of the coffee shop before returning to my middle class reality. I bless the God of food because this day, at the coffee shop, they’re giving away free samples of ciabatta sandwiches, so I get extra sandwich material on top of my $2 bagel! And while looking back I see the rich folks saying no to the free samples, and I feel sorry for them! They don’t know what they’re missing!
I always smile when I leave and on my drive back. It’s never a regret of returning to my world . No! No room for such things for me. But it’s always a nice trip! Very refreshing, eye-opening, recharging…

A thought for the new year: The Five Remembrances

I leave you all for the year 2006 with Buddha's Five Remembrances to mull over:

I will grow old.
This body will know sickness.
There is no escape from death.
Everything and everyone changes.
All I have is my actions.

Happy New Year, everyone!

I am here, don’t fret …

I have missed writing, and I have missed talking with all of you. I got caught up in the whirlwind of Christmas and Holidays in general, and I have had little time to sit down and share myself. A small personal crisis and a silly (sickness) bug didn’t make things easier, either. But ‘nuff excuses!
I hope ( I really do!!!) everyone felt less alone this Christmas, and less threatened. I hope all of you have had the comfort of a home, a warm hand, a warm plate of food and a divine sip of a favorite drink to make you smile. And I really hope that you smiled a lot. I hope you had at least one beautiful surprise in the whole scheme of things, one that made you think that life is not so shitty after all!
My Christmas, despite the fact that at first glance was an “alone” one (and boy, does that word spell grimness?!), was also a peaceful and bountiful one. “Gift”-wise, it was probably the poorest in years, but emotion-wise and immaterially speaking, it was a plentiful one. And I am so grateful for that.
I have learned that plans that were in the works for months can fall through in a day, and dreams that were never imagined can come true on Christmas Eve. It depends on how open you leave yourself to miracles and to the unpredictable! I have also moved some labels around of who my friends truly are, and who my friends really are not, or should not be.
I have also learned a new meaning of “alone”: it sometimes can mean just a welcome peace that you must have at the end of this Season when we all overdo so much! As my aunt used to tell me: “never feel bad about being alone, you can nap whenever you want”. It is freedom to do … whatever at the end of a day when all you did was please someone else other than yourself.
I have learned also this Christmas that people can say a lot with few words, or even without words at all. It’s the actions that count, and sometimes just the gestures. “Just the thoughts”, as they say! It’s true. I have learned that when someone so much as think of you, you’re not alone.
My Christmas was fun, loud, full of gifts I probably didn’t need, and food my hips definitely didn’t need! It was peaceful, and quiet, and full of hope, and light. It was like nothing I expected and definitely like nothing I had planned. But it was memorable, with lessons well learned and mysteries discovered.
I hope we all can find that, in this Christmas, or the next, or in every day, for that matter!
Happy Holidays, still, everyone!

Christmas fever: yes, it IS so about the buying, and stop denying it!

Oh, you know the drill: you go to work, and everyone bitches about the crowds, and the traffic, and the horrendous, never ending Christmas shopping, and whines about “why in the hell are we doing this anyways?!”. And then, right as they clock out, and head home, they tell you they’re heading for the mall, or some kind of random store where they have to either “finish Christmas shopping” or “ pick up a few things” or “loose ends” or “wrapping paper” or cards they forgot to send in the first round! But come tomorrow, they will remind you, again, over coffee, that they hate the crowds, and … etc… and “Christmas is not about all this commercialism anyways”… And all you can do not to fall over laughing is to roll your eyes and say “oh, yeah, sure”… and sigh.
Sure, people, tell yourselves THAT and then go out into the big world of traffic and buy some more, add some more to the credit card balance, why don’tcha?!
It is SO about buying the crap! And you know it, and better stop denying it, because it’s becoming old! Unless you want your family to think you’re a Scrooge, or your co-workers to think you’re lame, and don’t want to “participate” in the Office Christmas exchange, and your aunt Millie think you hate her, when she’s already dealing with senility and paranoia in the old people’s home, assisted living nonetheless, and your children to run away from home because they’re the only kids on the block without a tree, and a lighted house, and without any bragging rights the first day in school after Christmas break about “what they got” or “what Santa brought them”, depending on the age! Sure, go ahead! Buy nothing! And see how THAT feels! You think you’re miserable now, huh?! Try buying nothing to no one for Christmas, and see how that feels, then!
Truth is: yes, it is about the buying! For one reason or another, we buy. We show love, or we show off through buying. Whatever our reason, however much conscious or less conscious that reason is, we buy… It’s how we express … love, or care, or … trying to make up for time lost, or just express one-upmanship! “Oh, you think you’ve been good to me all year, Mr. Boss! Wait till Christmas, till I give you a present to make you indebted to ME for the rest of your life, or career, for that matter”.
And so, we’re caught in the rollercoaster, and we’re in traffic, yawning at the end of a busy day, to satisfy the needs, of ours more than theirs, and to buy, to catch up, and to please! Yeah, because see, Christmas is “pleasing everyone” time! We need to see smiles, and happy faces, and in our culture, that’s done by accumulation of “stuff”!
I, for instance, buy because: I live far away from home and I miss (physically) everyone’s birthdays and Easters, and name days (yes, we have name days in my culture!); so I have to compensate at Christmas, when I can say “thanks for being my family and loving me unconditionally, and without restrictions all year round and I am sorry I can’t be there for Christmas either, because here in America, where I live, the employers are stingy with the vacation time”; and “happy birthday and Happy Easter, too”; “and name day” ; I buy because I want to say “thank you” to my friends for just being my friends, and not giving up on me throughout the years; I buy because that’s one time of the year when I do something extra-nice for my pets, like buying them a toy, and an extra snack they’re not allowed to have year-round, for dietary restrictions; I buy because I know just exactly who will buy for me, for whatever reason, and I don’t want to owe anything to anyone! So I have to “match them”(and we ALL do that, don’t freakin’ deny it!!!!!!!!!!!); I buy because it’s what’s expected! If they invite you over for Christmas dinner they “expect” at least a bottle of wine, if not something not completely idiotic they can send as an example to the “completely useless Christmas gifts” column of the local paper the day after Christmas!
So, we buy. And Christmas is so about the buying! Yes, maybe in the old ages, when the money was scarce, and wars plenty, and the people would celebrate Christmas by just having wood for the fire for a change and a meat-full meal, in those times maybe it was not about the buying of totally useless crap; maybe then, it was about the getting together, the warmth in the house, the caroling kids at the window, and about the “white Christmas” outside! But times have changed, and people, too! And, yes, we “evolved” (Gosh, that sounds like an oxymoron!) into these … very shallow creatures that think a gift certificate to “Pier 1” will make a difference, but it’s the price we pay for being the 21st century women and men! We are social creatures, and it’s what’s “expected” of us, socially!
And truth be told: we live, by God, in the most wonderful country in the world, where “returns” rule as kings! You can return pretty much anything and get anything else we can possibly need in any store! If you can’t find anything you DO need at “Barnes and Noble”, “Walmart”, “Sams”, “Linens’n’Things”, “Bed, Bath, and Beyond”, “Bath and Bodyworks”, “Victoria’s Secret” and any other store your friends and relatives shopped for you (but failed to get “exactly” what you needed indeed), then you’re just a picky bastard –it’s ALL I can say!
And c’mon now, you SO needed that cork screw you never would buy for yourself, and that book on gift giving and that blue necklace that surely goes with your jeans, even if you hate blue! You never dreamed of buying these for yourselves, so go ahead and enjoy them now, that you got them from uncle Willy and Grandma Bertha, and they’re free!
And also: you gotta be honest. At the end of the whole Christmas craze, you do SO expect others to remember YOU! You do expect cards in the mail, with baited breath to see just to whom you were important or at least worth mentioning this year! If you don’t expect at least that, than I feel really, really sorry for you: that is truly the sign of a really sad person and existence, excuse my judgment!
Sure, it’s a free country. Do what tickles you, and defy convention and what “society” expects! And I hope you can sleep at night! If not from what your family, friends and co-workers will say, at least from what your kids will cry about. And don’t try to deny it: your conscience will suffer too… Because it’s a different time we live in. Yes, we think of the old times, when commercialism was not the rule of the day, and yes, we regret we weren’t born then, to be able to appreciate “the simple things”! Yes, we realize the shallowness of the now! But we subscribe to it, one religious year after another, while we curse the world, stuck in traffic, or trying to catch a parking spot at Walmart and also at the Mall! Because the times of now are not “so simple” anymore. Trust me, though: it could be worse! You could be living during Communism where it was illegal to celebrate Christmas, and where you could not even allow yourself to think out loud that there was such a Holiday as Christmas at all, for fear of being thrown in jail for the rest of your life, and never seeing your friends and family! So, enjoy the nameless, meaningless gifts and rejoice! Try to find meaning and truthful smiles in everything you give! It’s OK! It’s awaited and appreciated, one way or another!
I hope everyone is having the best time of the year yet! Happy Holidays to all!