Sometimes, I am not sure how America made it so far at this speed! Let me tell you, some families out there LIVE to just make a whole entire day out of going to a movie! Forget common courtesy, forget manners, forget being mindful about other’s space, it’s THEIR movie, and THEIR day, and THEIR ticket booth, and THEIR concession stand and so help you God, you are going to yield to their fat asses, and hold your horses while they take their sweet ol’ time!!! I am cleaning today, and cooking, and doing laundry, and cleaning cat boxes, because I have a full time job and today is my chore day, and I give myself (silly me, this is the (sslllooooooowwwwwww) South!!! ) just about 40 minutes to drive to the movie theater, and get tickets, get popcorn and sit in my chair. Well, too bad! I would have needed about an hour and a half to do it all in a timely fashion.
I drive to the theater, and of course there is a line getting into the parking lot, because every fat a$$ mama wants a close parking spot! Well, too bad, folks, it’s 4.40, it’s not 6 am, so ALL the “good” spots are taken, move along! No, they coast! And they wait for someone to get out of a parking spot… I am not sure who they’re waiting for, because it doesn’t look like anyone is even in another parked car getting ready to move ! No, they coast! Oh, I see now: they want the curb: there are no spaces left, but there is always the curb! So I wait, and wait for the fat mama to get her curb spot so I can bypass her! I drive way to fast for a parking lot, but I don’t care! I finally park, at the end of the lot, and run to the ticket window. There is a line of maybe 15 people. Kids, old people, FAT people, mostly! I stand in line and can’t help but noticing one fat kid, maybe 14, with a stud in her lower lip, leaning against the ticket window. Not buying tickets, but she’s leaning against it. People come, buy their tickets, leave, and she stands there, VISA card in her hand, waiting. Fat lady with 2 skinny little girls (what do you expect, all the food goes to the mother, so the kids are skinny, right?) buy tickets, then head towards the same door everyone that buys a ticket heads towards: they wiggle it vigorously, the push it, pull it, one of the skinny little girls kicks it. The sign on the door as big as my head: EXIT ONLY! Too many calories can get to your head, I tell ya’. Person after person after buying the tickets goes through the same ritual: tickets- exit only door- turn around- long way around the line to the right entrance door! Over and over again! You’d think they’d notice the person before them doing it , but no, they always head for the wrong door first, JUST because it’s closer to the ticket booth! Oh, American convenience!
Two people before me, great! I’ll get my tickets and still might be able to make it just in time for the previews! Yey! Well, hold on a minute, the fat girl with the stud decides she wants a ticket! OK! You’ve been leaning against the damn window for 10 minutes and now you gotta jump in??? What? It’s too hard carrying your damn weight on your back? You can’t STAND in line?? You gotta LEAN?? Geez! NO, she doesn’t want tickets, she wants to ask if they take VISA cards or debit cards. After seeing 10 people or more handing their credit cards to the window lady, you could not figure THAT one out??? And can you freakin’ read??? There is a big FAT VISA logo and a MasterCard one right above your fat hand, on the damn window! Geez, what planet have you dropped from?? “Sign here, ma’am” – the ticket lady goes. The large 14 year old looks puzzled: “ It’s a debit card”; The little lady has to sit and explain, that yes, that might be the case, but you’re using it as a credit, since we don’t have the cozy little machine that lets you punch in your stupid pin! She looks at the lady incredulous, and signs the receipt, reluctantly! Walks away, ever so slowly, to the EXIT ONLY door!
OK, so I buy my ticket and figure well, all the people are probably done buying the popcorn, and into the theater, I should be fine! Wrong! Still a ton of people buying treats! But… the good thing is: I have a choice there between several lines, so I choose the shortest, only 3 people, but after 5 minutes of no one leaving I realize there is no one but kids in that one, so until they make up their minds about popcorn or sweets, or maybe both, Pepsi or Doctor Pepper, I might as well consider my movie ended!!! So, I head toward another line, 5 people in it, but all adults! So, I figure, they’re faster… Well, guess again! Husband wants popcorn, but wife can’t agree on the size! Husband wants butter, wife doesn’t, “it’s too greasy”; husband says: “well, just a tad, honey, please?!, we’ve dieted ALL week long”… Wife rolls eyes, “all right”… She plucks the napkins from the holder one by one, careful not to break them half way, and waiting to get to the little rip before she breaks them off! FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS, PEOPLE! My movie has started !!!!!!!!! I’m hoping I can see in the dark, and hope to God the previews ran a little longer! Movie has started 10 minutes ago, according to my schedule! Everyone, but I mean EVERYONE moves sooooo slowly! Like someone just woke them up from a deep slumber and put them on the streets! Stay the heck home and watch your dvd collection if you feel too slow and tired to go to the damn movies, don’t interfere with some other people that have a purpose and wanna get this rolling, dumba$$!
And yes, sure enough, after the little counter girl asks for my order 3 (THREE) damn times (small popcorn and a cup of ice, easy, right??), I finally get what I want, and head to the theater! And some prayers ARE answered, since now there is no line to get into the movie! Whoo-hoo! Walk in the dark, walk up the stairs, sit in the first aisle chair I find, and the first scene of the movie starts! Previews, and intro passed! Sh^t! I can’t even see who’s playing in it! Oh, well! I’ll watch the credits at the end! Happy Saturday to you too, people! And MOVE THE HEL^ FASTER!!!!!!!!