Letting go …

“The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle”

I’ve been trying to let go for years … I’ve been reading Eastern Thought books, and doing yoga, fighting with meditation, and learning about Buddhism and Nirvana, ever changing and impermanent …. And trying non-attachment, and “training” my brain to just stop, for a brief moment and just … soak into the present …For years and years, I tell you … And yet my stubborn, ever moving, and ever energetic, fiery Aries nature has kept me going, and going, and going … And I have been known to think too much, and want too much, and plan too much, and when reality didn’t match my make-believe dreams, I was deeply saddened and lonely, felt hurt and unfortunate, felt pity and loneliness…

I couldn’t learn from my cats, who are undisturbed when napping, nor from the sun who stubbornly comes up into the East every morning, nor from the patience of the monks who dedicate their lives to the Lord every day, in the same unchanged routine every day, for centuries, without questioning…. I was always questing a change and looking to tip the boat… looking for something different and new and “else”… And wanting, ever wanting and needing, and not just relaxing and breathing into the moment … For years…Wasted years and books and thoughts, and I am sure brain cells, too…

I think finally, I am listening to my own body and heart… And I am figuring that after failures and heartaches, the only thing that is permanent is beautiful memories, and happy times that life simply creates for us, and unexpected surprises that we never really ever predicted, much less planned for! … So, for a change, I am just soaking, for once, into the now, and waiting for time to kind of unfold… and for life just to happen… And the surprises are endless… And the beauty of the world in borderless… I’ve had some of the happiest times, and yet the saddest times lately… But I managed not to let the saddest times kill me and my spirit, because I let the happiest time take their toll and unfold, without trying to control either of them, nor be suspicious of anything… And finally, after a quest of at least 6 years now, I am finally seeing the light and breathing the fresh air … I float, instead of trying to constantly steer … And the bounty of joy is surprisingly generous, and ecstatic… Breathless at times … And I enjoy the body-board… taking me to shores unknown and full of beauty, silence, and endless freshness … Not ready yet to jump off on it and swim on my own… Enjoying the randomness and unpredictability of the float, and getting so rich off of simply letting go, and being aware and awake …

This excerpt reminded me of all these, this week:
“You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice. It will roll in ecstasy at your feet.” (Kafka)