The rest is silence

As you could probably see for yourselves, I have been reduced to silence lately. Just complete silence, almost, save for little remarks in e-mails here and there.
The world, life, pain, wait, much, much pain … has rendered me mute. I am in awe at how much the human body can handle, and how much more yet the human mind does, too. I feel we are endless rubber bands at times, and we can stretch to the infinite and never break. The faith and the hope in us keep us from breaking, and give us, it seems, eternal elasticity and strength… And life in general will try to stretch us even longer, further, slimmer … But we’re not giving up. All this has had me silent …
What can I say in the face of all this might? And miracle? Anything would be trivial and trifle-like. So silence has proven golden for me, here of late. Me! The ever talkative, never at a loss for words me … has finally shut up! Is this silent death? Or just plain coming of age and wisdom?! I suppose time will decide .
I will make note of this though: I have had a date with my soul in this whole (quiet) time, and my soul says … it needs to be taken to private dates on a regular basis. Whether it is a yoga class, a silent retreat for a couple of hours in a library, or a walk in the park, or even a (you guessed it: a quiet) hike, my soul needs it, and needs it regularly… So, my next project is setting up those dates … In case you were wondering about my life lately, that is the gist of it. And the rest … is silence.

Thoughts before Valentine's Day

So… the second Valentine’s Day single… Yes, I know you should not start a paragraph with “so”! Your point?!
I really don’t feel any different (or “differently”?!?)… Being single, on Valentine’s that is … I just feel like another day is wide open in front of me, just like February 13 was last night at midnight, and it’s just my own job to fill it up with… whatever: work, shopping, chores, cat squeezes and food eating … Honest to God, I don’t feel alone, depressed, or in any other “depressing” way… as a lot of folks around me insinuate I “should” feel …
I guess it’s just because this year (just like the last) I’ve been fortunate enough to have other “hobbies” in my life, or because this year I am visiting retail stores much less than in other years (on financial purpose), but I have not been bitten by the pink-red-and-white-displays-in-every-store bug that usually visits me every year around this time! I’ve been fortunate enough to be untouched!
Oh, yeah, I am going to dinner tomorrow, but I did that last Wednesday, too! And I could have done it Sunday, too, but I had to cancel, since I was too busy! I guess trying to find another focus in your life, other than “I gotta get a mate”, helps you live this life on another dimension… I am not saying I have given up on love and now I am into friends, family, travels, and relocation… Love will be welcome, should it happen, one day! After 32 years though, I have learned: it’s when it’s expected and waited on that it’s determined to not show up… I have learned it’s something with a whim! So, should it ever happen, romance, candle lights, cuddly dinners under the covers, in front of fireplaces, lavish jewelry and tons of roses… all that … it will happen just as easily on September 8th as it will on February 14th…
So tomorrow, for me, it’ll be just another Wednesday! Half priced wine at Café Europa anyone?! (just kidding)
Have a happy one tomorrow, whatever it is that you’re celebrating! And for those who love: may you celebrate love ever day of the year and twice every Saturday or whatever day you can hire a sitter…

Driving Peeves, and these are JUST the beginning …

“Hi, my name is A… and I am a horrible passenger!” No, I don’t mean that lightly! I mean: I am a freak show when I am in the passenger’s seat! I will tell you when to put on the breaks, when to signal, I will tell you when your mirrors are crooked and when you press the pedal too hard! I will be your conscience and your alter ego, and your worst enemy, your own mind, and your worst nightmare. Yep: I will drive you insane! I need help for this Sh&^%t! Ask ALL my ex’es, ask my dad, ask my brother-in-law… I am notorious and unforgiving no matter how much I love you! Of course, people get defensive about it (especially guys) but I believe that is THEIR problem! It’s a free world: I say my peace and they do with it whatever they want: that being THEIR choice!
There is something about the road that brings out the worst in me, however! I guess it’s a feeling of you’re in a train heading at full speed for the abyss, you just want to make sure you have the best seat to have the least damage done! I am not sure…
As a driver AND a passenger, I have no mercy for whomever else is OUT there that’s not me! I am not sure where it all comes from (maybe from my controlling dad, maybe from my Arial instincts of “being first” and not being able to always do that on the Highway), but I am merciless when I am in the car, whether behind the wheel or to the right of it … Or rather my mouth is?! Either way…
All people that have dealt with me as a passenger will have to tell you that story, but for now, I’ll tell you the one of me as a driver with no patience for stupidity! ‘Cause stupidity is the ONLY excuse I will allow in other drivers when I drive…
There are people out there who develop emotional problems behind the wheel. I tell you, there are some folks with “issues” out there, issues that should be solved in a little white office, with a little short lady with outdated glasses on, while you (the other drivers that is) lie on a little white couch. There are folks developing, for instance, a personal relationship with the lane they’re in: they want to go from first to second lane, they signal, and then they “ride” the lanes, as I call it: they want both lanes, so they drive half-a$$-ed (literally) in both lanes at the same time! They SOOO want the second one, but they can’t QUITE say good bye to the first one yet, so they take both! They’re folks out there, having more trouble saying “good bye” to the first lane than a middle aged mom saying bye to her teen son leaving for Iraq for a year! It’s PAINFUL and draining and exhausting to watch! You want in the second lane, you have half of it, take it, dude! Don’t be greedy! Leave me the first one!!! Please!
On another note, there are people that LIVE in the car, I do believe! Whatever you and I do at home, they actually do while they’re driving! Whether it is “poufing” their hair and applying hair spray, or applying make up, or eating their lunch WITH chopsticks, I might add, or reading the good night “Cat in the Hat” story to their child, or catching up on the news from the paper, or writing in their journal, … whatever it is they have as a routine that day, they do it WHILE driving, at 5 miles an hour. Now, how a cop can drive past THAT and not notice is beyond me, but then again don’t get me started on the cops! Not the right blog!
I tell you, I am not sure whether it’s the South or what, but there are still people out there who have not discovered the blinker yet! They turn left and right, switch lanes, whatever… they never, ever, no matter how many hundreds of miles you spend behind them, use the signal light! NEVER! They never taught them what that lever is for in driving school, I guess. No use to them! I am wondering what THEY think that lever is for?! Or do they break it off, ‘cause they think it’s useless, and they take it home to use it for something else, like maybe a pleasure enhancer in times of loneliness… who knows?!
One of my biggest peeves, and the reason I will total my car again, rear-ending someone pretty soon, probably, is someone in a big, fat-a$$ SUV that comes to a FULL stop when they turn! There is a right turn they make (lack of blinker and all) and the big fat a$$ of a Town & Country comes to a complete stop and you’re wondering for the life of you WHY! It’s not rocket science, people! It’s a right turn!!!! I do not care if you don’t want your drooling toddler to spill their apple juice on their WalMart $2 bib!!! There are people with REAL jobs that want to go straight! This road is NOT yours!!!!!!!!!! Hurry the hell up! Slow down and TURN… Do not slow down, stop, take a breath, check on the said drooling toddler, and remember to hit the gas after 5 seconds!!!! Please! Time’s money here ….
Some folks out there develop empathy with other drivers: driver in first lane breaks, and wants to stop or slow down, driver in second lane, although they are going straight and their intention IS to go straight, slows down as well! I call that “empathy breaking” and they have nice, white rooms with little people with funny glasses in them waiting with a comfy couch for those folks! Just stay away from the roads and get in there first! Resolve your issues before you get a license!
If you’re in the first lane and you want to switch lanes and want to be in lane two, please remember that slowing down to a stop will NOT make the lane two drivers understand that you want to get over in THAT lane! If you want those drivers to understand you want their lane, Fokker, you need to put on the signal (remember? The one you ripped off?!)! Slowing down will slow down the people behind you! That’s ALL that does! That, of course, not unless you have “empathy drivers” in the second lane and then you’re just a lucky bastard!
Drive safely, folks, and remember: they call them “public roads” for a reason! They’re NOT yours!

Be aware …

Listen to the sound of clinking silverware and plates being stacked to know that it’s lunch time; listen to the sound of the shower running next door to know that it’s morning time; listen to the sound of wind chimes to know if it’s windy out. When you smell coffee in the air, you know it’s morning; when you see the cat cleaning himself, you know he’s ready for a nap, so it’s going to be quiet for a while; when you hear the vacuum running or the washer in the apartment below, you know it’s the weekend and the football game will come on TV shortly. So will the noisy guests.
Watch for the occasional smile on the other’s face, or frown, to read happiness or sorrow and to know what kind of tears to expect.
You know it’s winter if your clothes are scratchy and you know the heat is at bay when you can breathe water and mildew…
You know it’s lunch time when you smell BBQ wings from your PC at work, and you know it’s 5 o’clock when all the stalls are taken; so, be ready and patient to be stuck in traffic.
If you see a man in a wedding band staring at your ass in the check out line, with wife standing next to him, you know his marriage is over, as far as he is concerned, no matter what he will tell you…or her …But that doesn’t mean anything final, either …
When you start dreaming about white sand or white slopes, or when you start planning for tomorrow, while lying down and reading an unrelated book, you know it’s time to turn off the light and say “good night”.
Be aware of the world around you and of every single step you take. Acknowledge the world. Nothing is ever an accident. Be aware and learn… each day …

Random thought

We got a new “break room” at work. Tons of coke machines, coffee machines, and food machines, too, not just snacks, but anything from pigs in a blanket and pancakes to chicken wings. Pretty sweet! We got a brand new flat screen tv and all. For the cheap a$$ company that I work for, this is a pretty splurgy deal, I tell you!
The new “break room” is in the same spot our old cafeteria used to be, but we no longer have a kitchen! Just the machines … and tables and the TV.
And on every machine there is a sign that reads “This machine will not take break bucks. Thank you”…
And for the life of us, we sit there and wonder (especially the elitist English Language Nazis up in the newsroom copydesk): “what the HECK is a break buck”?!?!?
It’s a “break room” … but no “break bucks”, people?!?!?! What about peak of the evening, deadline bucks?! Will those work?! Or maybe “top of the morning, brand new, fresh dollars”?!? Will that be OK?! Why is the machine so darn picky about what “time” these bucks are produced?!? – people ask me (yes, the elitist ones) and I shrug, but in my brain you know I am thinking and cooking up the next blog!
I am assuming people in the general public that provide these machines, wonderful people as they are, concerned about our needs while we slave to do our job, concerned about our thirst and hunger, they have not yet discovered that the verb “to break” might have a past participle in the form of “broken”, I try to guess, with the risk of being elitist myself, right?! I suppose they only know the words “break” and “broke” as in “flat broke”. But “broken” is foreign! "Must be one of them English words they come from England or somethin’ ". We don’t do “broken”. No, Siree, for us, it’s a “break buck”… Really?! I mean, really? Is THAT what they meant?! ‘Cause my ear surely hurts. And my grammar teacher back in school said “ if your ear is abused, then it must not be right”.
Well, if that’s NOT what they meant… then YOU go ahead and figure out what “no break bucks please, thank you very much” means… And let ME know, too!
Only good thoughts for the commercially-providing world out there who caters to our thirst and hunger. Only good thoughts!

On my mind: More band aids …

I have had a long (it seems) and convoluted path so far, full of pain, love, wonderful surprises, death convictions and much, much laughter and even more tears. And through it all, I have come out smiling and hoping, and ready for the next hurdle and challenge.
I have known love, and passion, and friendship, and pain, and disappointment… Boy, have I known disappointment! I have known unbounded happiness, and bright smiles and hopefulness and comfort, and pain, and love, much love … And I am sure we all have!
I have dined with people as different as publishers and mayors to illiterate folks up in the mountains of Third World countries that never saw the ends of their village, when they died, at 98! I have loved it all and I am thirsty for more … With a smile, I will welcome it all, till the very last breath …
Through it all, I am more and more hungry for band aids, it seems. I have known that pain and “limit” situations teach us the most. Happiness is fleeting and so shallow! Pain, and want, and disappointment and hurtful tears are so rich, so deep! And they shape us, they turn us into the person we are today and tomorrow, and the next day. It’s the pain, and the dents that give us shape and character! Just like the chisel marks a sculptor makes in the marble, hit by hit, more defined and deeper, thus the hits of life and the pain define us and give us shape! Just like the wind and the rain and the snow shape a mountain, so do pain, and hunger, and want, and disappointment shape us. Sun doesn’t do much!
I am hungry for more hits … tempests … band aids. It’s then when I feel alive and blessed! And rich! To understand and know pain, to fight and dream with people in pain… I am grateful! This life is not useless, after all!When I finished high school, I had to write an essay for the year book…. My closing line was to become my motto in life: “I am at the door. I do not know what’s on the other side. I am scared… but I like it”.

Pet Peeves # 4

Long time no …read , huh?! I figured it’s a new year, new beginning, new things to annoy me… So here I am back, for the fourth installment of my peeves!
As always, hope it’s worth a read…

I drive by this sign every morning. I usually don’t see much else but the road and the car in front when I drive, but this billboard is posted at a light, so every time I catch the light, there it is, I got nothing to do and I read it. Every bloody morning, I stare and wonder at the sense of it. It writes as follows: “ To avoid altered chicken, check the label”. OK! As opposed to what?! What else CAN you do, to “avoid ALTERED chicken”?! Maybe … “smell it and pass out”?! “Feeding it to your children and watching if they die”?! What kind of sane person sits in front of a pack of dead chicken parts just bought in the store and wonders helplessly : “Well, Gee, HOW do I tell how old this chicken is?”…. Mmm… yeah!

I wonder about this every time I drive up to an ATM. Every time. And I know, now you’re going to say I am boring: “EVERY time?!” Yeah, my life is really not THAT happening! So… in this wonderful country (that I adore, I might add!!!) of ours we have ATM’s in Braille! No, no… excuse me: DRIVE THROUGH ATM’s with the numbers on the pad written in Braille… Ok! Why?! Who is driving the car? The blind person? That’s who the ATM’s is for, right?! OK, so, the blind person is NOT driving the car… Hhmmm… Maybe the machine is in Braille because … the passenger is blind, and it’s for them! Well, then, if the blind person walks up to the ATM, ANY ATM for that matter… how can they “see” the commands on the screen to know what to do next? Maybe there is a secret code that they can punch in, to make the machine TALK to them, because otherwise it makes no sense to me! Otherwise, we just degrade into ridicule around here, trying to be so darn “P.C.”… And I am STILL puzzled about the drive through ones… which are typically made for the drivers… Right?!

I discovered that I would not hate telemarketers so much if they didn’t sound like robots! They will actually be pleasant (some days, too many days, they’re the only calls I get!) if they sounded like humans! Ok, you’re calling me AT HOME! That is my private, protected by law, sacred place! It’s gotta be important, dude, right?! Wrong! They’ll talk to you like you’re in a total trance, in front of the television, and they advertise something: “If you can spare just $0.50 a week, you can help 100 people wipe their own noses. And for just $0.25 a day you can wipe mine too”.- because that’s what they sound to me. I don’t listen to them, once they start that script! I block them out and all I can think of is to hang up! IF, and it’s a big IF, I decide to be nice one very rare day, I tell them I am not interested before I slam the receiver! Why can’t they just be normal and say : “Hi there, I am Jane and I want your cash. I believe this is a good cause and you should freaking do it, so, what do you say?!” You don’t have to make your asking for MY money more attractive than it already isn’t! Just ask for what you called for and let me eat my dinner, all right! If I want to listen to a recording or a commercial, I’ll strive a little and turn on the TV!

And this just in today: I go into Hallmark and the sales shark jumps at me, pointing out what the specials are! This is AFTER I said in my best English I can muster: “ I don’t need any help. I am JUST browsing”. Ok, she has to kill herself and tell me ALL about the specials. This is also after she’s been obviously working all day long to put up the shiny signs that SPELL the specials very clearly, in very big type! What, does she assume we all become illiterate once we walk into Hallmark?! Why the signs if you’re gonna spend 10 minutes reading them to me! If I WANT to read the signs, I will READ the darn signs! SO, she starts, anyways; any attempt I make to walk away, look away, seem uninterested fails miserably, and she does her sales pitch: “Christmas stuff is 50% off, and Valentine’s wrapping paper and bags for 50% off also, and candles for Valentine’s Day are 25% off and this small organizer that keeps the important dates in is only $5 if you buy 5 cards, and the Valentine’s stuffed bear is so much with 3 cards and if you scratch you’re a$$”... “Listen lady” – I wanna say – “I am SINGLE! I will have Valentine’s Day alone and got no people to buy cards for, and at the rate I am going Christmas will not need decorations around my house next year, ‘cause I am hiding in a hole rather than spending it, and I walked in here to get a knife to kill myself! You got THAT?!!! If so, where and are you running a special for it?!”. They should really post a sign outside or at the door: “If you want to talk to persistent and annoying strangers even after you tell them to buzz off and buy crap you don’t need, walk in here”!
I tell you. The world we live in. Keeps me awake and amused one day at a time.

“Life’s a ride”

My dad always used to tell me to pick my music out of pieces that will stand the test of time. He used to say: “just close your eyes, and listen. And if the musicians speak to the darkest places of your inner self, and if they tell you things you will be able to find fascinating 20-30-40 years from now, and if they sound like listening to that music will not be embarrassing to listen to then, either, then you can count them amongst your favorites. Otherwise, don’t waste your time” He still says that. “Elvis, and Lennon, and Jagger, and Clapton, and Hendrix, and Joplin are never old fashioned”. And that’s been my rule of thumb in choosing my music always. I look, or try to listen to Brittney Spears and I want to scream instead. I feel insulted…
It just so happens that “Donna the Buffalo” might be one of those groups that will stand the test of time, I believe. Of course, this is biased, and totally based on what my ears can hear and how my own mind can judge. But my experience when I listen to them is so powerful that I wanted to share …
They talk about universal truths, and everyday lives, and they have a down-to-earth-ness about their lyrics, being both prophetical and mundane in a way that is definitely timeless. Their lyrics resonate with all of us, and will bear the same truths a hundred years from now, too. They just say it simply, and melodically, too:
“Used to be fooling someone
Could've been fooling me Nobody's fooling anyone now
Now because you know that talk is so cheap”
Or:“Life, love, potential love Causes so much joyHas the adverse power
To hurt you that much more”
Or:
“Times will change, that's for sureI'll be here, knock at my doorSeas will rise, seas will fallLove will see you through it allI wish you love”
Or:“The world is a wonderous puzzle Everyone a piece and every piece fits Every piece is alive making energy Energy pulls the pieces together Into a round ball
And there is love”

And the music is pure and fluid. Seldom do I find artists that are merely instruments through which the Heavens pour their richness into our worlds. They sound (and look) completely in a trance, they’re not personalities, they’re merely … things, guitars, vocal cords, drums, keyboards, wash boards and fiddles, physical presences through which millions of gallons of heavenly gold is poured into our ears, and pores, and further into our hearts and minds. They give life to sound and words. They’re gifted and patient. And they play for 3 hours incessantly, with no break, only with the urge that there’s more to be shared, and the last word has not been said yet. They bind the crowd in such a way that’s mystical almost: people that look different, in age, backgrounds, race, in every way, come together, dance with each other and hug. “It only takes just one of us to be alone” …
Being under the same roof with them for one evening is an honor and an orgasmic pleasure. (trust me, it’s NOT the beer!). You embark in this ride with them and there is no stop and you have no clue when you get there. You’re just speechless at the beauty of it all and in a complete daze at the end of the journey. The $20 you pay at the door is by far not enough to say “thank you”. They gave me energy and wisdom to last me another year.
You feel elated, and fortunate and you feel respect for people who give up all to produce art. You feel honored and richer when you leave. I also believe that nothing ever has value unless it enriches our lives somehow. And “Donna” does it plenty, in just a couple of hours.
The show was wonderful, a great start for the new year. And that’s of course, an understatement. I am always surprised how they never look tired or bored. They just are. And they just share. This type of unconditional giving is one of the few things of beauty and love this world has to offer, if you’re lucky enough to come across it.
I just wanted to say “thank you” so loudly. Somehow, though, I know, deep down, that just being a small part of the hip winding Herd for one night said just that.

Lunch plans

I joyride for lunch. Sometimes, that’s what I do. Sort of, that is… I get in the car, and rain or shine, for a ride to people watch, point, and laugh. Sort of , too!
One of my most favorite rides is through the rich and fancy part of town! I want to ride the streets lined up with ancient oaks, huge lakes, million dollar homes, and quaint old-looking (all new) shopping centers. I want to pretend just for a brief 30 minutes I am part of that life!
I used to have close relatives living in that part of town; I even lived with them for a couple of months, but now, I sat myself comfortably in the middle class, and just dream of those places and of that life.
So, I get in my car, and ride away. I watch every car that goes by, and take in as much as I can from the richness of the lawns, and the majesty of the columns of the mansions. I erase every memory of MY life, and take in the new. Refreshing, replenishing, bringing new a new picture of life. I look up at the trees and they are guarding towers, it seems, of this “rich” world. All the new communities around town have been stripped naked of the trees. The old ones keep them up, guarding this world, it seems!
I look DOWN from my Toyota sedan at the Lexus’s and Infiniti’s and Acura SUV’s and Jaguars passing me by. Older people, slow as Christmas, so bored of life, and having everything. They have nothing to hurry towards. Death only, perhaps, but why hurry then??! Younger people, soccer moms in minivans, driving slow because they’re reciting the latest baby rhyme they learned to the toddler in the back, watching the rug rat in the rear view mirror! Men in suits meeting the soccer mom in the quaint shopping center for lunch, slow on the cell phones. And then there are the pickup trucks! Even they have their own luxury about them: parked on the lawns, hauling people trimming lawns and branches.
I take it all in, and dream that for that brief moment one of the houses on the lake is mine, and the handyman is doing work for me, while I run to the store for a birthday card and some cash, and while speaking on the cell with my CEO husband who’s in Florida for the monthly convention! What would he like for dinner when he comes back?! I giggle, in my dream. I dream… and smile. And the trees look pretty and reverential. Unmoved, like the people who have forgotten, it seems to be alive. They are waiting for life to happen, it seems. Life just comes to them! They are HERE. They don’t need to rush! It’s a cultish life, it looks like.
At the coffee shop, where I stop for lunch, with today’s paper in hand, business men read the stocks page, while taking notes in their pda’s, while soccer moms, meeting each other for lunch sound disappointed that there is no Talbots Kids anywhere near that side of town, and the kids are going to “pitch a fit if they strap them down and take them all the way across town to buy them a sweater”… “ but they really need some new sweaters because Grandma Ellen bought them these sorry excuses of shirts for Christmas, and she is so cheap, bless her heart, she got them at the mall somewhere, and they just look hideous on little Annie. She can’t go out like THAT! She’s becoming quite a young lady now that she is turning 4! Talbots is what fits her best”. Oh, the dilemmas!
I dream, and smile …
I like the coffee shop in the “rich neighborhood” because it plays good music: The Beatles, and Kenny G, and Michael Bolton (yeah, laugh away!) and Classical tunes – it’s a refreshing escape. Where else do you hear THAT?! And they have fancy drinks that I never order, like mochas, lattes, and “grandes” and EVEN “never-ende’s” (I am not kidding – that’s a type of coffee). I don’t order them; I just order a $2 bagel and I read the entertainment section of the paper. And I smile and dream…
For one half of an hour a month or so I get to be a decadent voyeur and just soak in this “triflesomeness” and pretentiousness. I get to look in, and wonder what it’d be like if I was looking out. What would it be like to drive those cars, ever so slowly not to mess them up, and what it’d be like to meet my husband for lunch and not say a word, since he’s busy reading the stocks or answering the cell, and he would be so bored if I told him for the millionth time that the nest door neighbor went for their third cruise this year and bought a new Jag, and she got all new veneers, too! And then drive back home with no purpose at all, or maybe back at the store for that birthday card and some cash, and then home with no purpose at all. You know someone is either rich or old, if they get cash INSIDE of the bank, after standing in line! If they have time for ALL that, and not doing the drive through: yeah, they’re either rich or old! They have time! Time is priceless to all of us, middle-classers. We notice that! Back to my dream: Would I be bored living the rich life? Enjoy it? Would I scream out of solitude and boredom?! Or would I enjoy the peace and quiet? Is there peace and quiet, or it is all pretense? Is there more noise than they let us hear from out here?!
And I make up little stories about all the people I see in my head, and I look around one more time, one last view of the coffee shop before returning to my middle class reality. I bless the God of food because this day, at the coffee shop, they’re giving away free samples of ciabatta sandwiches, so I get extra sandwich material on top of my $2 bagel! And while looking back I see the rich folks saying no to the free samples, and I feel sorry for them! They don’t know what they’re missing!
I always smile when I leave and on my drive back. It’s never a regret of returning to my world . No! No room for such things for me. But it’s always a nice trip! Very refreshing, eye-opening, recharging…

A thought for the new year: The Five Remembrances

I leave you all for the year 2006 with Buddha's Five Remembrances to mull over:

I will grow old.
This body will know sickness.
There is no escape from death.
Everything and everyone changes.
All I have is my actions.

Happy New Year, everyone!

I am here, don’t fret …

I have missed writing, and I have missed talking with all of you. I got caught up in the whirlwind of Christmas and Holidays in general, and I have had little time to sit down and share myself. A small personal crisis and a silly (sickness) bug didn’t make things easier, either. But ‘nuff excuses!
I hope ( I really do!!!) everyone felt less alone this Christmas, and less threatened. I hope all of you have had the comfort of a home, a warm hand, a warm plate of food and a divine sip of a favorite drink to make you smile. And I really hope that you smiled a lot. I hope you had at least one beautiful surprise in the whole scheme of things, one that made you think that life is not so shitty after all!
My Christmas, despite the fact that at first glance was an “alone” one (and boy, does that word spell grimness?!), was also a peaceful and bountiful one. “Gift”-wise, it was probably the poorest in years, but emotion-wise and immaterially speaking, it was a plentiful one. And I am so grateful for that.
I have learned that plans that were in the works for months can fall through in a day, and dreams that were never imagined can come true on Christmas Eve. It depends on how open you leave yourself to miracles and to the unpredictable! I have also moved some labels around of who my friends truly are, and who my friends really are not, or should not be.
I have also learned a new meaning of “alone”: it sometimes can mean just a welcome peace that you must have at the end of this Season when we all overdo so much! As my aunt used to tell me: “never feel bad about being alone, you can nap whenever you want”. It is freedom to do … whatever at the end of a day when all you did was please someone else other than yourself.
I have learned also this Christmas that people can say a lot with few words, or even without words at all. It’s the actions that count, and sometimes just the gestures. “Just the thoughts”, as they say! It’s true. I have learned that when someone so much as think of you, you’re not alone.
My Christmas was fun, loud, full of gifts I probably didn’t need, and food my hips definitely didn’t need! It was peaceful, and quiet, and full of hope, and light. It was like nothing I expected and definitely like nothing I had planned. But it was memorable, with lessons well learned and mysteries discovered.
I hope we all can find that, in this Christmas, or the next, or in every day, for that matter!
Happy Holidays, still, everyone!

Christmas fever: yes, it IS so about the buying, and stop denying it!

Oh, you know the drill: you go to work, and everyone bitches about the crowds, and the traffic, and the horrendous, never ending Christmas shopping, and whines about “why in the hell are we doing this anyways?!”. And then, right as they clock out, and head home, they tell you they’re heading for the mall, or some kind of random store where they have to either “finish Christmas shopping” or “ pick up a few things” or “loose ends” or “wrapping paper” or cards they forgot to send in the first round! But come tomorrow, they will remind you, again, over coffee, that they hate the crowds, and … etc… and “Christmas is not about all this commercialism anyways”… And all you can do not to fall over laughing is to roll your eyes and say “oh, yeah, sure”… and sigh.
Sure, people, tell yourselves THAT and then go out into the big world of traffic and buy some more, add some more to the credit card balance, why don’tcha?!
It is SO about buying the crap! And you know it, and better stop denying it, because it’s becoming old! Unless you want your family to think you’re a Scrooge, or your co-workers to think you’re lame, and don’t want to “participate” in the Office Christmas exchange, and your aunt Millie think you hate her, when she’s already dealing with senility and paranoia in the old people’s home, assisted living nonetheless, and your children to run away from home because they’re the only kids on the block without a tree, and a lighted house, and without any bragging rights the first day in school after Christmas break about “what they got” or “what Santa brought them”, depending on the age! Sure, go ahead! Buy nothing! And see how THAT feels! You think you’re miserable now, huh?! Try buying nothing to no one for Christmas, and see how that feels, then!
Truth is: yes, it is about the buying! For one reason or another, we buy. We show love, or we show off through buying. Whatever our reason, however much conscious or less conscious that reason is, we buy… It’s how we express … love, or care, or … trying to make up for time lost, or just express one-upmanship! “Oh, you think you’ve been good to me all year, Mr. Boss! Wait till Christmas, till I give you a present to make you indebted to ME for the rest of your life, or career, for that matter”.
And so, we’re caught in the rollercoaster, and we’re in traffic, yawning at the end of a busy day, to satisfy the needs, of ours more than theirs, and to buy, to catch up, and to please! Yeah, because see, Christmas is “pleasing everyone” time! We need to see smiles, and happy faces, and in our culture, that’s done by accumulation of “stuff”!
I, for instance, buy because: I live far away from home and I miss (physically) everyone’s birthdays and Easters, and name days (yes, we have name days in my culture!); so I have to compensate at Christmas, when I can say “thanks for being my family and loving me unconditionally, and without restrictions all year round and I am sorry I can’t be there for Christmas either, because here in America, where I live, the employers are stingy with the vacation time”; and “happy birthday and Happy Easter, too”; “and name day” ; I buy because I want to say “thank you” to my friends for just being my friends, and not giving up on me throughout the years; I buy because that’s one time of the year when I do something extra-nice for my pets, like buying them a toy, and an extra snack they’re not allowed to have year-round, for dietary restrictions; I buy because I know just exactly who will buy for me, for whatever reason, and I don’t want to owe anything to anyone! So I have to “match them”(and we ALL do that, don’t freakin’ deny it!!!!!!!!!!!); I buy because it’s what’s expected! If they invite you over for Christmas dinner they “expect” at least a bottle of wine, if not something not completely idiotic they can send as an example to the “completely useless Christmas gifts” column of the local paper the day after Christmas!
So, we buy. And Christmas is so about the buying! Yes, maybe in the old ages, when the money was scarce, and wars plenty, and the people would celebrate Christmas by just having wood for the fire for a change and a meat-full meal, in those times maybe it was not about the buying of totally useless crap; maybe then, it was about the getting together, the warmth in the house, the caroling kids at the window, and about the “white Christmas” outside! But times have changed, and people, too! And, yes, we “evolved” (Gosh, that sounds like an oxymoron!) into these … very shallow creatures that think a gift certificate to “Pier 1” will make a difference, but it’s the price we pay for being the 21st century women and men! We are social creatures, and it’s what’s “expected” of us, socially!
And truth be told: we live, by God, in the most wonderful country in the world, where “returns” rule as kings! You can return pretty much anything and get anything else we can possibly need in any store! If you can’t find anything you DO need at “Barnes and Noble”, “Walmart”, “Sams”, “Linens’n’Things”, “Bed, Bath, and Beyond”, “Bath and Bodyworks”, “Victoria’s Secret” and any other store your friends and relatives shopped for you (but failed to get “exactly” what you needed indeed), then you’re just a picky bastard –it’s ALL I can say!
And c’mon now, you SO needed that cork screw you never would buy for yourself, and that book on gift giving and that blue necklace that surely goes with your jeans, even if you hate blue! You never dreamed of buying these for yourselves, so go ahead and enjoy them now, that you got them from uncle Willy and Grandma Bertha, and they’re free!
And also: you gotta be honest. At the end of the whole Christmas craze, you do SO expect others to remember YOU! You do expect cards in the mail, with baited breath to see just to whom you were important or at least worth mentioning this year! If you don’t expect at least that, than I feel really, really sorry for you: that is truly the sign of a really sad person and existence, excuse my judgment!
Sure, it’s a free country. Do what tickles you, and defy convention and what “society” expects! And I hope you can sleep at night! If not from what your family, friends and co-workers will say, at least from what your kids will cry about. And don’t try to deny it: your conscience will suffer too… Because it’s a different time we live in. Yes, we think of the old times, when commercialism was not the rule of the day, and yes, we regret we weren’t born then, to be able to appreciate “the simple things”! Yes, we realize the shallowness of the now! But we subscribe to it, one religious year after another, while we curse the world, stuck in traffic, or trying to catch a parking spot at Walmart and also at the Mall! Because the times of now are not “so simple” anymore. Trust me, though: it could be worse! You could be living during Communism where it was illegal to celebrate Christmas, and where you could not even allow yourself to think out loud that there was such a Holiday as Christmas at all, for fear of being thrown in jail for the rest of your life, and never seeing your friends and family! So, enjoy the nameless, meaningless gifts and rejoice! Try to find meaning and truthful smiles in everything you give! It’s OK! It’s awaited and appreciated, one way or another!
I hope everyone is having the best time of the year yet! Happy Holidays to all!

Fleeting Thoughts

I have always thought, in a way, that I have all the answers. That life cannot take me by surprise. After all, it’s what dad taught me when I was three: “every day when you wake up, you already know what the day will bring you and you’re prepared for it! You’re firm and you don’t waver! You’re determined, and if anything, you make up others’ minds, not the other way around!” He forgot to tell me that other dads taught their sons and daughters the same things, and I would meet those folks!
My Romanian teacher used to say that I will die young (so does my doctor, but for a different reason), because I “burn like a candle, for every idea I have: right up and bright”. It does get exhausting, indeed!
I used to think I love the people of the mountains, back home, because they don’t do anything in half-measures! They party hard, and work hard; they love hard and they hate hard. Just like the Spaniards, love, death and life are perfect synonyms to them! They give it all or take it all! I used to think that that’s the only way to go through life! But now I know that life requires half measures and so-and-so-ness! Because nothing is forever! Because leftovers are sweeter!
I have learned to not believe in ever…or forever… But into a very vibrant and full “now”. I give my all to the now, I would say, and I leave for the “next” whatever is left, bruised and scarred! Just like a good fire on the hearth: the ashes are left , and God willing, they’ll turn into something the next day!
I used to think I love winter, because my skin hates the heat! With a lazy liver, you would hate the heat too! I don’t know anymore. Winter is not what it used to be! Now, I hate the wishy-washiness of it! And the laziness I feel in the thick clothes! I need to be free, and move! I need determination, too, even from the weather!
I guess what I have learned the most is nothing that’s human-made or human-related is absolute! It’s bad, because it’s annoying, and it’s good, because it leaves room for surprises! And I love surprises.
Don’t feel puzzled, if you’re confused! You’re supposed to! This is life!

Existence

“I stick my fingers into existence – it smells of nothing. “ (Soren Kierkegaard)

Every so often I come across a line, or two that just mirror(s) my life so loyally, it’s scary. Existence smells of nothing lately. Because it’s void of everything, including smell, or taste. I try to find sense, and I try to find focus, and I feel like my senses are dormant, and my life is a dream, therefore I am asleep! I move, I talk, I make statements, I shop, I drive, I … talk again, but I feel no substance behind it. Just pure inertia, with no brain and emotion behind it. I am not sure if this is just a temporary hibernation stage, or just an “je m’en fiche”-ism that will just last for all my adult life (hope not). I feel no real connection to people, I sense my own fake-ness, and no purpose in everything. I feel like the future is only as long as 9.39 PM (it’s 9.38PM right now), and that’s all I have to plan for. All my values are scrambled, if any are left, and all hours of every day are superfluous! I have never felt as light as a feather. Some would call it pure freedom, and be glad they found it. I call it death!
I am praying every night for substance, and I am still waiting (funny, how I am praying “every night” and not “every day”: well, I simply pray at night – the factness of my actual prayer time seems to be one of the few relevant details here). At least, this awareness is hopeful! I KNOW, and I acknowledge this sudden change in my values, and person, and I feel not at ease. The knowing gives me hope. I am not lost yet. My existence might smell and taste like nothing, but it’s not a permanent predicament. There’s hope. And trust me: hope smells good!
I am craving for valuable people, and happenings, and life, in general. I am craving for “good smells” of LIFE with a capital “L”. I am craving good smells.
It’s not “life” that I am living lately. But simple “existence” and simple “surviving”. And it’s becoming pretty damn scary! This is the deadest, maybe, and the shallowest I have felt in a while, and it’s no fun! I can’t swim, but I miss the depths …

People of the South

My dad just got back from a European mini-tour; he drove back from Germany to Romania, and thus got to cross Germany, Austria, and Hungary. My sister (who has seen these countries before) asked what shocked him the most in his travels. He said, in all these countries, what was a general shock was the fact that people are so cold! He said, nowhere could he feel free to just … open his mouth to make small talk and just ask about the weather! He said he felt lonely abroad, and thus happy to be back home. I remembered that he never felt lonely when he visited me; actually, he wanted to stay here, and never return home!
We, Romanians, love to chat! And not being able to carry conversations with complete strangers at least about the weather is crippling to us! It’s a personal offense, like those people don’t “want” us in their world; we are “not welcome”, we are not “good enough” for them?!. And THAT is just hurtful! We love to share, to ask, we’re nosy, we’re friendly, we love to hear about your day! My sister lives in Canada, and she commented to dad’s disappointment: “well, dad, this is the West, in general, for you! People are cold here, in Canada, too. Very much so! The only place on the planet that I have seen so far, where people are welcoming and warm and friendly is the American South. Only there complete strangers will ask you how you are and ask your opinion about the weather”.
And I have to completely agree with her. I have traveled Europe, North America, and some of Eastern Asia and I have to agree: only in the American South people do make small talk to you! Not that I like it ALL the time! Some days, I want to just read my trashy magazine, thank you very much, rather that tell you about my failed marriage and my ex-boyfriends and my canceled plans for the weekend, so you can bask in the self-righteous “boy, she’s SUCH a loser” at the end of my monologue. But it’s true: when in a room with strangers or in an elevator, here in the South, you can bet on one thing always: there will NEVER be a thick silence with embarrassing starings at the ceilings! Oh, they won’t necessarily CARE, but that’s NOT going to stop them from ASKING! And we’re people, not solitary islands, out there in the Pacific, with no hope to ever meeting! We want the human touch and our most distinguished capability from animals is the ability to speak, and communicate through an articulate language. So, I think we all are designed to “keep in touch” and bridge the individualities that we are! It’s a human trait that most of the world seems to forget about nowadays, in our speed-driven lives.
And you know, for a Romanian like me, who loves to talk, and share her life, coming from a completely alone 4 day weekend, on Monday morning, that kind of chit-chat is MORE than welcome!
One more reason to be grateful for where I ended up living! (Thank you, ex-husband!) You gotta be grateful for the small things… and small talk, for that matter…:-)

What do the rivers of Heaven flow …?!

I have been sitting on this piece for a couple of months, because I was fearing I was going to be judged as spoiled and picky, but then I said: what the heck?! I am judged, I am sure, as a whole lot worse than that, so … I’ll send it out there!

This might have been just as well entitled “Angry and thirsty, stranded in the midst of America” – it would have been just ironic!
So, here I go:

Have you ever heard of or come across a fast food restaurant that “don’t have no water” for a drink with your meal?! No, no, nothing fancy: a glass of water, ice or not … a cup of ice, even, empty?! No. Not an option! They literally refuse to offer anything that comes in cup but is a different liquid or concoction other that the punch buttons on the cash machine tells them it needs to be! That restaurant is a “A&W restaurant”, and this particular challenged location I found in the Detroit, MI, airport. They don’t have bottled water, nor TAP water to be offered to the customers with their food. I guess their taps, over there at the “A&W” restaurant in Detroit, Mi, only provide root beer! I guess if they ever wash their hands in there, they must just make do with root beer, because you see, water is in such shortage there!

No, no, I cannot choose the option “no drink with my meal”, either! I am PAYING for the drink, thank you very much, while the person next in line GETS IT, since I don’t want any sodas or juices. No, I am paying $1.50 extra for my shitty sandwich, but if I choose not to drink it, SOMEBODY, by God, HAS to have it, because the little person at the cash register, HAS TO fill up a cup of SOMETHING for SOMEONE with this particular chicken sandwich … so the guy behind me gets a root beer AND a sprite – or something like that! Because “no drink” is not an option on the machine, either, you see; and they MUST punch SOMETHING in in order for the total to show up!

Next time when YOU hate YOUR job, think about this dilemma: dealing with a sorry ass picky damsel who cannot f*&^5ing pick a damn drink and cannot get you to the bottom line when you have 5 people waiting in line to order and missing planes left and right! Think about THAT, for a change, people! :-)

I am standing there, in awe, and I don’t want to be mean, but I wanna scream at the top of my lungs: “Use your brain, people! Someone put it in your head for SOME kind of reason! USE it, or else it’ll go stale! Just like that water on the tap pipe that is not released in my shitty cup right now! Wasted!”.

So, I order my sandwich – see, it’s in the computer, people are waiting, plane is leaving in 20 minutes, guilt trip – I am ordering, OK!!! But no water. Well, yeah, sprite, actually, for the person behind me. Me: no liquids! No, for that, you have to “go next door, ma’am, they has bottle water down there. Next door”. So, I am waiting for my sandwich, and going next door for another charge of $2 for a bottle of water, although I have paid $1.50 for a sprite that the person behind me is now drinking, out at the “A&W” joint!

I guess the little woman at the “A&W” counter was not trained to be faced with the picky bastards that by chance might order water instead of the sugary drinks – what an abomination, overweight America!!!!! Water? Geez!!! Who in the Heck orders Water in a fast food place nowadays?!? Who do you think we are, lady? MacDonald’s?! So, she didn’t know any better. Never in the whole training process was she ever told, even in passing, “use your common sense” or (pickier yet, Geez, Alina, who do you think you’re dealing with here, Homo Sapiens, by chance?!) “brain” – no… She was told: punch the buttons! Since the buttons don’t exist, make the damn picky bastard customer MAKE up her damn mind, or send them “next door”! Pretty simple!

I guess in the big wide world of Fast Food Heaven, out there at the “A&W” headquarters there are rivers of coke and sprite and root beer just flowing every day, uncontrollably! They’ve never heard of “water” up there at the corporate level of “A&W”. In the “next door” Heaven, however, at the bagel shop, it’s where they have the streams of water instead, and THEY afford to bottle it and sell it for $2 a piece, too! And satisfy the picky bastards over there, in that renegade Heaven! But not here, in this sugary, sweet one! No, ma’am! We don’t do water, or … empty for that matter! Up in here we just punch buttons! We can’t punch buttons that don’t exist, ma’am! There’s no way!

Man, and I was thinking I was coming home (I was coming from abroad on that sad trip which landed me in Detroit, MI for a brief hour or so) to the land of opportunities and all possibilities! I guess, in a way, and by some root beer-loving folks, I am doing JUST that!

I’m “single”, NOT “stupid”!

Yeah, you heard me: single NOT stupid! I know they both start with the same letter, but God help you if you get them mixed up! With my fiery temperament, I have no tolerance anymore for people who get that mixed up, or assume I am stupid, anyways, single or not…
So, I get into this car crash, right?! And I need a rental, right?! While my car is in that shop (luckily not totaled). So, Mr. Rental Car Guy shows up to pick me up at my door, and take me to the Rental Car place to rent the wheels that are going to get me through the one month ahead. And Mr. Rental Car Guy decides to flirt with me, although he’s probably 24 and I am … much… his senior. I don’t say my age; I am not asked. I am “assumed”… I guess: young, stupid, and gullible!
He proceeds to tell me (I never asked!) that he was in fact offered scholarships “for academics” to universities such as Harvard, Yale, UCLA, and 3 others (I stopped listening after Harvard and Yale, all right!) and to Auburn, Alabama (figure THAT!), UNC and 3 others for “athletics scholarships”. And in the end, he chose … Guilford College! He is from Mobile, Al, originally! So, of course, he would choose a Southern school! Ok, why not Auburn or Alabama, you might ask?! I did too! Ask myself, that is! I was too busy stifling the laughter in his sad face to ask HIM! He goes on to tell me that he chose Guilford College because of the “community work” they do! Forgive me if I am judgmental, but although I am not really familiar with that program, I know you can be of help to the community if you, as an individual choose to do so! And to refuse such pristine education in favor of community work that you might do anyways, along with the pristine education seems highly unbelievable to me. Ok… I am being judgmental!
Then, he learns I am bilingual, and he proceeds to tell me that in fact he speaks 5 languages fluently: French, Italian, Spanish, Latin, and American sign language; oh, yeah, and English of course! An by the time he is 40 he would like to speak 10 languages all in all, but he already has gotten a heads start on Japanese, of which he speaks some. I wanted to say: “Just because you can say ‘Merci’ and ‘Bojour’, it doesn’t mean you’re fluent in French!” – but again … busy laughing within myself…
The entire time, I am looking at this guy, and with all his “Athletics” scholarships under his belt … I cannot see an athlete in him! I see an acne face, beer gut, couch potato, second class rental car clerk who’s trying really hard to overcome his Southern accent.
How stupid do you think some people must me to believe you turned down Harvard an Yale for a no-name private college with no history to speak of in Sports, either, just to graduate and rent cars for a living?! Oh, yeah, the reason for working for the said rental car place is: “they plant trees”. Hhhmm… ok!
I just never understood I guess the pathological liars. Do they need to make THEMSELVES look good to THEMSELVES?! Because to us, they just dropped down a few HUGE notches as plain idiots!
And as for the single part: do you think I’d rather date a Harvard drop out than a real Harvard grad?! Or do you think I feel better renting from a Harvard drop out than from a Harvard grad?! Why even drop the name, dude?! What’s the point?! And take this piece of advice from someone old(er than you): if you at any point got an acceptance scholarship from Harvard, do yourself a favor and frame it and hang it right next to your Guilford College degree! Trust me: it’s JUST as impressive!
But for now: you’re just sinking under the weight of your own name dropping! So: good luck swimming …!

Some mundane thoughts about the "NOW"

“To take for permanent that which is only transitory is the delusion of a madman”.
(Kalu Rinpoche)
PS: once you SEE this, it all becomes simple!

Just remember that all we have is the ‘right now’. There is no ‘next minute’, and no ‘tomorrow’. No ‘two hours from now’ and no ‘a year from now’. That’s all we’re sure of, and all we’re 'given'! All we’re ever allowed to take for granted – and that should be a responsible choice, too (the taking for granted, that is)! There is the ever present, ever demanding now, waiting to be filled.
And demanding it is: like a hungry mouth, screaming at you, asking to be fed. What is it going to be tonight? A mouthful of joy? Or luke-warm happenings? Or a mouthful of sadness? Or simple truth? Your choice, most of the times! A mouthful of smiles and peace, maybe?! Who knows?!
Yeah, some things are external, they come from outside of us, but what’s INSIDE of us, our response to all of them, is ours, and it’s solely our choice. Just make sure, whatever it is, you’re not waking up tomorrow with regrets! Those are for the weak! Who needs them?! You did it! It’s done! Tomorrow is another chance to screw it up, or make it big. But you can’t go revisit what you did … right now… So be careful! And loving, and kind! And the life will flow smoothly if you remember some of these simple and yet hard to figure out things: gentle, kind, loving – towards yourself mostly.
And just always remember: you only have the ‘now’. If you have plans, make them happen, and start them RIGHT THIS SECOND. There is no certainty about the next minute. Unfortunately, life doesn’t come … with a “lifetime warranty”. I know: that’s ironic. But isn’t life always?!

Travel Journal: Key West

My favorite grandpa in the whole world used to say that no trip should be picture perfect nor without troubles, because how are you going to ever remember it? If everything went according to plan, you’ll have nothing, he used to say, to remember around the fireplace at Christmas and talk about when you’re older. Nothing. So, some “adventures” are absolutely required in order to make a trip interesting – he used to say. And I never took him seriously, until my trip to Key West! This trip surely had its share of freak happenings (in more ways than one), and the oddness of some will always be imprinted in my memories! They all made the trip more interesting, and kept my alert level to an all time high! I was never prepared for whatever the next corner had reserved for us. But that was where all the fun was, too – mostly!

*

I started getting suspicious weeks before the trip, when we couldn’t find our Hertz reservation online, although we both remembered making it, and it showed up on our credit card! We were reassured all was well, re-confirmed, when my friend called them, but I was not so sure. Yes, I tend to get overly paranoid when I attempt something new. You never know, right?!
We left my house late for the airport, and not only did we get lost on the way there, because we thought we were getting onto a shortcut, when we got stuck on this one lane street behind a garbage truck that was doing 25 on a 35, but once we finally got to the airport, all the parking lots were full; so we spent 10-15 precious minutes we really didn’t have, to find a parking spot. We are lucky that we live in a small town, with a small airport, so the afflux of planes leaving in the middle of the day is not the size of a New York or LA airport! So, we managed to check in, send the luggage through, buy a slice of pizza and make it to the gate before boarding started. Once there, we heard my friend’s name on the speaker, and he was being called “at the podium”, which means at the gate office. He was asked if he would mind to be given another seat, for a very strange reason, one which, in at least 9 years of international traveling, I have never heard of before: there was a prisoner in our plane, and he 2 officers escorting him had to be by the prisoner’s side, and one of the chairs was given mistakenly to my friend. I was to sit across the aisle, but in the same row, so my friend asked to give me also a new seat, to prevent me from sitting across the isle from a criminal (well, sorry, until proven innocent). Thus rearranged, we ended up sitting in different rows altogether, and both paranoid that we are in fact traveling with a prisoner on board, and what could happen now?!!

Once in Charlotte, we almost got killed several times by one of those little cars that take passengers from one gate to another, and squeal out of this world to people to stand out of their way! We didn’t know where to dodge anymore, because we tried everything. We survived and got to our gate after all! I guess they can’t give them speeding tickets in the airport for those things, but I personally think they should!

Once in Miami, we grabbed our luggage and waited patiently for the Hertz bus to take us to the car rental place. Once on the bus, the driver could not, once again, find our reservation. My friend assured her that we must have one, because we did it twice, online and on the phone, but I was becoming nervous once again! Call it female intuition, but I smelled trouble. Somewhere soon, anyways!

At the Hertz dealership we found just 3 people in line, which looked promising: we needed a short line, since we were to drive at least 3 hours to Key West and it was already 7 PM, and we were tired, starved and both cranky (already, I know!). There were three clerks, too, which also looked good! What we didn’t know was: that there were at least 300 pieces of papers per customer to be signed, sealed, and about 500 questions from each one to be asked! So we were in line for what seemed like Methuselah’s age! As the crankiness progressed, our eyes wandered over to the TV and my friend was in shock: the two teams that he’s the very loyal fan of, the Phillies and the Nationals, were playing! And yes, you guessed it: he was missing it! And you know how guys get when they miss their sports, for whatever reason, yes, including a trip they themselves planned! Yes, that’s right: cranky! – that was not a good premise for me, trust me! We were going to be stuck in the car for the next 3 hours with no tv nor radio, probably, that would broadcast the game, so the tension grew.

After an hour of wait and many peeks on the big screen tv, we finally got our car, and the directions to head South, and we took off on the streets of Miami! We soon found out that the last “left” turn on our directions from the gracious Hertz clerk could not be possible, because we hit a road that was a right turn only. So, again, just like in Greensboro, we got lost, and wandered on slow moving streets before we got back on the Turnpike!

On the way down, we stopped right after we left Miami, for dinner, at a Chillies Restaurant. I was to wait patiently at my table while my friend paid some lonesome visits to the bar’s tvs to catch the scores of the baseball game, and needless to say, that is one of my biggest pet peeves: to be left alone in a restaurant… But I was patient! I was going to make this trip a success, however much Fate, in all its might, might decide to screw with it! So, dinner passed, and we’re back on the road, when my friend mentions that well, he didn’t call the office of the timeshare at which we were going to stay “the day of” our coming there, and he hopes that the office clerk remembered to leave us he key to the place, even without a reminder.

At that point, I refused to think anything else could happen to us! That was it! The late airport arrival, the prisoner, the looongggg wait at Hertz, the missed baseball game… No! We WERE GOING TO HAVE A KEY – and that was it. I refused to think further! My friend kept doubting; I kept not listening!

I guess 4 hours and 42 bridges later ( I will only so much as mention in passing, too, that the slowest “Chillies” waiter in the whole entire world lives in the outskirts of Miami, too), we were in Key West. We drove around looking for our place, to which we arrived at midnight. And yes, we looked for the key, at the office door, where it was supposed to be taped on, at the condo door, maybe, we walked to the bar and asked about it, or about the clerk, but no sign of the key, or the clerk, or course! The Phillies-Nationals game was still on (last inning) on the bar tv – and that was one small reward of all the pain: he could at least get a score.

My friend decided, in all his generosity, to use his Marriott points to put us up for the night at the Courtyard Marriott, so we won’t have to spend the night in the car, in the car port of the timeshare! Once at the Marriott, we were left with the only room available: a smoking one, and both of us hate smoking! Yes, it smelled, but ask me if either of us cared. At that point, we were so edgy, we wouldn’t even talk to each other. I think both of us realized we were not mad at each other, but man, were we mad at the Travel Fairy! She really screwed us over! So far … at least … Little did we know … but don’ let me get ahead of myself here.

The first morning in Key West came around, and we woke up in the Marriott room, eager to get out and enjoy the Keys, and the days ahead of us, but not before the proverbial American shower of course! I guess I was more eager than him, because I jumped in the shower first: in the HOT shower, that is, because there was NO cold water to be mixed in with the hot; so I, who absolutely hate hot water and has her heart run at 120 beats a minute on hot water, had to deal with the hot-hot-hot water in the shower that morning and have her skin burning red like a lobster when she got out. No other choice! All right, I thought. Just the beginning. If you’re gonna be this difficult, ask me if I care then! Bring it on! I am ready! Burn me up in the shower, will ya? OK! Fine then!! And I decided I’ll smile, just to spite life! And the Travel Fairy!

We left the Marriott starved, and the last thing we did was to ask for directions to a breakfast buffet, since we were both so hungry. We were recommended this place as “the best buffet on he island”; we looked for it for a while, in eager nervousness, and once we got there, we found an empty parking lot and a “friendly” sign on the door reading “AVAILABLE”… and a phone number. Yeah, if that was the BEST on the island, I wonder what he worst looked like?! We finally went towards the “Sunset” end of the island and we ate there, somewhere off of Duval, of course, where everything else is. We were lucky indeed when we came upon a parking lot that was ready to have us for $5 a day, instead of the very customary $5 an hour, like the rest of the town. We counted our blessings! The bummer on our first day there, though, at least for me, was the rain: everywhere you looked, there were dark, menacing clouds, and the rain started shortly after our meal! The good thing, we were to find, was that rain never lasts for more than 15 minutes at a time there. I guess just passing rainy clouds, saying “hello”. That’s when I noticed that all the bars and restaurants are outdoors and they have almost no walls around the dining areas! Very welcoming and limitless, just like Paradise ….

After a day of walking, people watching, eating everything in sight and drinking frozen drinks, we headed home, this time to our reserved place, the timeshare condo, overlooking a beautiful, lush green marina and pool! Gorgeous! Felt and looked like Heaven on Earth: lush vegetation and clean alleys, quiet pathways and hallways marked the place. Really relaxing. While moving my luggage upstairs to the bedroom though, I saw something moving across the hallway. I thought: oh, we have roaches?! Well, you see, I forgot this is the beach, and Florida, and the end of the world and the Subtropics, so the small thing moving across my room was not a roach, like everywhere else on the planet, but a baby lizard! I don’t know about you, but if there are two things in the world that I cannot and would not have tolerance for, those are reptiles and rats! I kill bugs just about any day of the week, but reptiles! No, they are of a different realm! We let the guy live though, don’t worry. Well, my friend did … I was once again almost ready to sleep in the car.

After the lizard adventure, I was ready for my shower, after a whole day in 100 degree heat and rain, after nervousness and bad luck, and ready for bed. Now, the condo had the reverse of the Courtyard: no hot water in the shower, just cold; so, shivering in the A/C and in the cold water, I was so tired, I couldn’t complain anymore, even. I just sucked it up, cleaned up, dressed up and slept like a baby. My friend asked me the next morning, had I heard the storm going through in the night. Nope! No way! I was dreaming away… of a land as lush as our front yard, and of a water as clear as the Atlantic in front of us, but no lizards and with hot water in the shower. :-)
Everything went relatively smoothly the rest of our stay there; with a mild cloudiness in our first sunset watching – which is what anyone ever goes to Key West for, isn’t it?! But the sunset was gorgeous, despite the clouds! The food and the beauty of the old city managed to keep us wowed and entertained the entire time. We didn’t know what else to order, and where else to look! Such a feast for the taste buds and eyes.

On the day we had to leave back for Miami, my heart sank! I was nowhere near ready to leave. Yes, we had made good use of our time, and we had seen pretty much all there is to see, and we had eaten everything we were told we had to eat, and we had enjoyed the history, and the sun, and the fun… but ready to go back we were not! There should never be an end to good times, should there?!

On the day we left Key West, the streak of unluckiness came back, or so it seemed! The room had to be emptied at 10! What kind of a check out is 10 AM?! We’re both snoozers, so you know we weren’t happy, with an 8 o’clock alarm knocking on our brains! The cleaning woman was knocking on the door every 5 minutes, starting at 9.30, and that is not even a little bit exaggerated! The day we left, we planned to drive to Miami, and be there in time for the Phillies and the Marlins game, scheduled for 6 PM that night. My friend had a feeling that the game had moved up, for tv: and once on the road, around noon, we picked up a paper and indeed, it was moved up to 1.25!!! There was no way we were going to make it to the Dolphins stadium before the game! No way! For my friend, an ardent sports (and baseball nonetheless) fan, this was the second major miss and disappointment of the trip! That set the mood for the day! Killing ourselves to get through to Miami, we drove relentlessly and ploughed right through the traffic with one aim in mind: the Dolphins stadium and “the game”.

Everything you can think of stood in our way: we couldn’t find a restaurant to eat lunch in, for miles, on the Keys; when we did find one, it was obscure to say the least, dirty, hair on the table, stale chips and fake crab, and it took forever; we came upon lots of traffic, on a 2 lane street, of course, with no alternative road, but the water, construction work and one lane traffic, we had to stop for a draw bridge and it was not even for a big boat!!!; Fate was grinning, again!; at one point, closer to Miami, the bottom seemed to have fallen out of the sky: huge black clouds swallowed us, and we couldn’t see 2 feet in front of us through the heavy rain! – the only hope was that the game would have a rain delay! Once in Miami, we started looking for the stadium on the map, and yes, you guessed it: it was at the very opposite end of town than we were coming from! So had to plough through the city traffic to get there! We finally did, around the 3rd inning (yes, they did have a rain delay! Some prayers ARE indeed answered!), but there was no one at the ticket counter and we couldn’t get in without tickets! Someone who looked important showed up, and he told us “he will hook us up”, and gave us free tickets. I guess the luck is not too dark, huh?! We promised him at buy a lot of beer, to repay him for he huge favor. Well, that was before we found out a bottle of Bud Light was $7! Yes, we bought 2 beers, and sorry, we thought that was plenty, too! We did see the Phillies win, though, which was the cherry on top! No, they didn’t go further, but they won! You gotta be grateful for small favors!
And yes, I will remember all these crazy things that happened and which added so much spice to our trip. But I will also remember the very wonderful things that left me speechless and made for the flavor of Key West!

The landscape of the Keys is like nothing I have ever seen before: low and narrow, bare and empty in face of the huge amounts of water that surround it! You feel so low, and so engulfed by it! There is no escape: there is only the water or he sky! And they’re both infinite! The sky always looks so close to the water, too, mirroring itself in the Ocean, like a close up mirror, you hold right up against your face! Not to miss a line! The palm trees and coconut trees didn’t wow me as much as just the pure sky into the water reflections! You’re lost. There is no end or beginning; there is only a deep, deep, endless blue that makes you think how finite you are in comparison to the whole universe! It feels like living under water, almost: the water always feels “taller” than where you are.

They say everyone goes to Key West for the sunsets and I thought: “oh, how cheesy”. And of course, again, in the face of pure nature and God, I was proven wrong. So wrong! You don’t know it till you see it! The light getting sucked out of the world into the water! The fire dying into the abyss… into nothingness… and the world coming to an end, of the day, but if you’re caught in the moment, it’s so hopeless! The sun dies, every day, in Key West, and the death is applauded, and God only knows how many trillions of pictures live now around the world of this death?! The moment is serene and quiet, like a death, but bright, passionate and yes, loud, like pain! I went in being a skeptic about it, and I came out enlightened: there IS indeed such a thing as the tallness and speechlessness of nature. And it’s all around us. The sunset in Key West was one of those moments, to me, when I am sure there’s gotta be a God in those moments! The world is too beautiful and perfect a place for it not to be…

I will always remember, from this trip, the lazy days: of walking around the streets, with no purpose, and no aim at all, but the walking, the living in the moment at its best! The frozen drinks snacks in the hot afternoons; the foods, all exotic and spicy hot; the feeling of the shark’s skin, tough as sand paper; the peculiar-ness of iguanas, who turn orange to prove they’re ‘better looking’ – can an iguana, really be good looking?!; I will always crave the mid-afternoon stop at Ben and Jerry’s for a bite of Key Lime Pie icecream: we sat on that bench in front of the store for at least an hour, I am sure making the icecream man mad for occupying the bench, and just people watched and commented, on the old woman with the shaved head, or the young woman with her shirt falling off and uncovering a boob, like a Botticelli model; or the old man, with shorts, and knee high white socks (why do old men wear that?!) riding a motorcycle; I knew I really reached Heaven when I got to Hemingway’s house, with the rich vegetation, and the cats, the many tens of polydactyl cats that have made history! It was like coming of age for me, as an English major AND cat lover! I could not believe I was walking his streets, and seeing his views and touching the walls he touched, and breathing the air he breathed! It was worth a trip to the end of the world to see that!

I felt the same sense of “arrival” and of one’s smallness when I reached the Southernmost point in the US that I felt, years ago when I climbed the World Trade Center towers. A feeling of “you cannot go any further”, and you, a small person from small city Romania, have now made it! Your ancestors would be proud! Your eyes have seen and your pores have breathed! It was an end of the road kind of feel for me… and a revelation… of, again, being very finite.
I will always remember the swim in the pool, all our own, one morning; the hot, honey-like thick air, and the coolness of the pool. The kisses and the wetness; the sticky skin against sticky skin in the middle of an afternoon embrace- absolutely my favorite from the entire trip. The smell of sun block. The remoteness of the glass bottom boat, once we reached the coral reefs: I can’t even swim, and I was hovering over sting rays and barracudas now! The taste of conch, and of key lime. The taste of salt in the air.

I will always treasure the silver Celtic necklace that looks like a fisherman’s anchor’s rope . An anchor of happiness and freedom!

You feel lost in the Keys, but you feel also found: found by each other, and the coziness of the old city that survived thousands of hurricanes and storms! You feel vulnerable and strong! Alone and together – at the same time. It’s a feeling like no other, the feeling of the end of the world!
I will remember the goofy/ silly things too: like the fact that the black neighborhood is “poetically” called “The Bahamas” in Key West: they truly have a desire and propensity to be like no other! I will remember the cute waitress at Sloppy Joes with the black bandana, seemingly Goth or Hippie, but so good, and so cute and soft- featured that she wasn’t either! I will remember the reaction I had when I saw live conch the first time: “I ate THAT?! GROSS!” - absolutely disturbing! But yes, I ate it and I loved it; conch chowders were my favorite. I will remember the Jimmy Buffet look alike bands playing at every corner of the street, at any time of the day, too … The sentiment of everlasting and endless vacation always floating around … Just easy-going-ness at its best. I will remember the brutal, seemingly atrociously painful dive of the pelicans into the shallow waters for fish! They are such heavy birds! How do they fly?! They just crash into the water like big planes nose-diving. The silly signs and menu notes everywhere: “ you are here: and this is Paradise”; or “bad ass coffee”; or “ if life gives you lemons, just add vodka”; or “ damn good margarita”…. The laziness and no purpose of life while on vacation… roosters everywhere and stray cats! Where in America can you see roosters and cats roam free and loving people?!

The small annoyance of the rental car’s beeping at us when the belt wasn’t on couldn’t kill this charm and happiness.

I have yet to be on another trip, or remember having been on one before that is such a feast for all senses and for all emotions. You’re paralyzed with sensing too much, and feeling too much, and loving too much, and breathing too much in. Every corner of every street reveals a surprise: funny people, sad people, interesting foods, or music, a historic place, or a historic bar, a memorable construction made of coral, a sunset or a random rooster, or an orange iguana, a funny or interesting sign, a funny man from England that constantly tells you to “shut up” while he juggles burning torches … You’re in shock, and only after this whole intake has “sedimented” itself inside of you can you make sense of it all! I suppose you can say it’s like a hurricane wave: coming at you all at once, strong, unstoppable, and overwhelming; and only after it’s retrieved, you can see the consequences!

One thing I know for sure: grandpa was right! There is no such thing as remembrance without adventure, and every second in Key West is pure adventure! And I know now that I live through today and every day in anticipation of that! (if I wasn’t convinced before).

It’s time!

We are at that time in the year when the sun’s balloon just exploded and it pours gold on Earth. Everywhere you look, there is liquid gold plating the trees and the hills. When it dries a little, it turns into shades of red and auburn, and when it dries even more, it becomes dark brown. But every day for a while now, there is more and more new gold poured on nature. It hurts the eyes …
It’s the time of the year when I shiver at the wheel in the crisp mornings and my car just refuses to warm up fast enough for me to be happy! Time for leftover chicken-and-noodle soup for lunch in the park. I love listening to the wind through the golden leaves… It sounds so much more different than the wind in the summer. It’s not the loud, youthful, deep voice you hear in the hot August nights; it’s the hoarse and raspy voice of an old man, about to catch a cold. And the Carolina blue sky hovering over, like a hopelessly immense sheet of pure azure above it all! The feeling of being lost in space, while looking up… of being lost in the deep, and clean, blue and golden space … Of being swallowed …
It’s time for new mulch and one last lawn-cut! Time to buy the apple scented candles and room sprays and crave cinnamon into every pie! Time to stock up on candy corn, grape jelly and apple strudel and bring out the pumpkins! Time to order recipe books filled with favorite holiday grubs and let your mouth just run … like the mountain springs with water ….! Time for cozy, slow Sundays, tucked in with a great book on the rocking chair, or cooking batches of favorite hot and hearty soups, while looking at the joggers in the lane, all dressed up in golden sunlight … chimeras in the street, so lazy …
Time to feel homesick, and call everyone back there to just say “I love you”, and hear “I love you” back…
It’s time to grow older and hopefully wiser. Back home, we say it’s time to count the ducks and the apples; time to count up just how many of those “new year resolutions” have been accomplished and how much of this one more past year was purely chance’s work?!
Time to change the cd’s in the car and include some mellow The Sundays, Harry Connick Jr., Elton John, Norah Jones and Joe Cocker. Time to feel in love, if only just with life or the now! Time to sleep in, cuddled up in the cold early mornings with the warm fur.
And time to dream of … nothing. No more planning yet! For a few months, we too are allowed to be big lazy bears and hibernate. We’ll leave the plans for ugly January. For now, we’ll live in the Paradise of liquid gold, good smells, thoughts of nothing, and the Fall’s “Dolce Far Niente”! And “dolce” it is indeed!

PS: and time to capture the moments in more visual snapshots, too; click here for pictures, or paste in your browser:
http://new.photos.yahoo.com/alinaservici/album/576460762332079901#page1

What's left ...

Whenever I say 'good bye', for more or less "good", I always, for some reason, come back to these Tsvetaeva lyrics. I discovered them in college, and all with the exception of the cigarette smoke, seem to fit me: simple and deep. I hope people remember these about me, one day, amongst other things ...

"One day, pretty creature"

"One day, pretty creature,
I'll become a memory for you,

There, in your deep memory,
Lost -- so far far away.

You'll forget my hook nosed profile,
And my forehead in the tempest of a cigarette,

And my eternal laughter, annoying you, --

And on my working hand, a hundred
silver rings, -- an attic-cabin,
Of my heavenly confusion of papers

Frightening year, reasoned by the sorrow,
You -- were small, I -- was young."

Maia

I never knew what it feels like to have a piece of your flesh, of your heart ripped right out of your being and taken away until Maia died, one grim April morning! I thought the world stopped, and I just suffered a lobotomy, since I would never, ever be the same without her! I was so maimed!
Maia is my mom’s mother. I say “is” because she will always be here! Always, she is just a step away from me. I ask her for advice, I talk to her, I kiss her good night, and I ask for her advice and help almost every day of my life. She’s here when I fall asleep, she’s here when I go in for surgery, she’s there when I fly, and when I have “milestone” moments in my life!
I talked to her, in real life, last on my 29th birthday! I was in New Orleans, and she was on my cell phone, crying up a storm, and telling me I was the love of her life, along with my sister, and why did we leave her. She died 5 days later, without another word!
She passed away as dignified as she lived! She never lost her physical might, and never her mind’s power! She was strong and nothing could subdue her! Not the loss of a husband, not the abuse of a second one (God rest his soul in peace), not the lack of money and food, not the Communists, not the loss of her health and her independence. She was standing up straight until the next minute of her life! She was plagued by osteoporosis and polio arthritis, and also from heart congestion and heart failure, and yet, right before mom took her into the hospital, she said she will give herself a bath! She didn’t allow mom or anyone else to help. It was her job, to go to the doc “clean” and she managed to take care of that! She got ready for the hospital, and determined as she always was, she said “this is the last time I see this house with these eyes” – and it was. She died several hours later. Her big heart stopped and the doctor broked her sternum trying to revive her, with no luck! She passed in a fraction of a moment. It was the biggest gift God could have given her and us: a quick death! – if there is such a gift!
She was my heart! She was my love! She was my rock. She raised me, she said, since I was 3 days old, till I went to High School! I was a college baby – mom and dad were still in college; so Maia raised me! She took me to work, she fell asleep rocking me, she changed me, and fed me, she watched my first steps, and she taught me everything I know today, in my daily routine: how to brush my teeth, how to fold my clean clothes, how to clean my house, how to cook, how to be grateful to others who help me, how to say “thank you”, how to be humble, how to be proud and stand for what I believe in, how to fight for what’s mine; she taught me the importance of school, and of continuous learning, of bettering yourself, no matter how old you are; she taught me how to be a “lady”: how to look clean, and elegant, even when I am having a bad day! She taught me how to match clothes, and shoes to clothes; how to never go to a wedding without nails done, or hair done properly!
She taught me how to listen for God: “when its thundering, God is walking madly through Heaven. Listen!”. She took me to my first communion! And my first funeral …
She always, always taught by example: she always helped the less fortunate, and she always said good people are here to be used by all – because they’re good! She taught me how to work hard and never, ever to say no to any kind of work, because work is not demeaning; only laziness! People tell me I have her eyes, and her hair, and her lips – and I can’t think of a greater compliment!
One day, when I was in 3rd or 2nd grade, I looked at her fingers, and I saw her biggest ring, and I asked her if I could have it. She said: “sure. When I die, it’ll be yours”. I wear it today and she is right here with me. I never thought that moment would be this soon! I would give that ring back, and the 2 years of my life since she’s been gone, to have her here with me, to hold her tightly one more time, and tell her just how much I love her and how much she means to me. But I am not that lucky. And she also taught me that you cannot be against God’s will, which overrides all wishes!
What do you give someone who is your whole life on their birthday?! When they give you SO MUCH? How can you ever say “you’re loved” or “ thank you?! How do you ever repay?! Somehow, I know that she would not expect anything in return, and even if she did, it would not be much! Because she was happy to just be and to see us happy. One thing I know for sure, though: she would not have liked me crying on her birthday, or being sad, probably, but then again, as much as I loved her, I didn’t always listen! 
Happy birthday, Maia, and know, always, that you are loved!

Romanian version/ Versiunea in romaneste:

Nu am stiut ce inseamna sa ti se smulga o bucata de carne din tine, sau o bucata de inima, pana cand a murit Maia, intr-o zi trista de aprilie. Atunci am crezut ca intreaga omenire s-a oprit complet, iar eu am suferit o lobotomie, pentru ca ma simteam total transformata! Mutilata complet!
Maia a bunica mea de pe mama. Spun ca “e”, pentru ca e mereu cu mine inca! Dintotdeana, si mai ales de cand a murit, e mereu cu mine, in fiecare clipa. Ii cer mereu sfaturi, o sarut de noapte buna, ii cer mereu ajutorul in fiecare clipa din viata mea. E aici cu mine cand adorm, in fiecare seara, cand intru la vreo operatie, cand decolez cu fiecare avion, sau cand intampin un moment de cumpana!
In viata “reala”, am vorbit cu ea ultima data de ziua mea, cand am implinit 29 de ani! Eu eram la New Orleans, si ea imi vorbea la celular, plangand in hohote si spunandu-mi ca eu si sora mea am fost dragostea vietii ei, si de ce am parasit-o! Apoi a inchis ochii pe veci, dupa 5 zile de la acea convorbire, si nu am mai auzit un cuvant de la ea.
A murit la fel de demn cum a trait! Niciodata nu si-a pierdut demnitatea fizica, si niciodata nu si-a pierdut acuitatea mintala! A fost o femeie puternica, si nu s-a lasat supusa de orice alta greautate din viata ei! Nici de pierderea unui sot, nici de abuzul celui de al doilea (Dumnezeu sa ii odihneasca in pace!), nici de lipsa de bani, nici de abuzurile comunistilor, nici de pierderea sanatatii proprii, sau a proprii independente. A stat dreapta, si mandra, pana in ultima clipa! A fost doborata aproape de tot de osteoporoza, si de poliartrita, si apoi de boala de inima, si in ciuda a tuturor acestor boli, in ultima clipa, chiar inainte de a pleca la spital, i-a zis mamei ca trebuie sa se spele “singura”. Trebuia sa fie “curata” inainte de a fi vazuta de un doctor. Si s-a spalat singura, demna cum a fost mereu! Hotarata cum a fost mereu, a spus inainte de a pleca din casa, ca atunci era “ultima data cand se uita la casa aceea, cu ochii aceia” – si asa a fost! A plecat la spital, si a murit cu cateva ore mai tarziu! Inima ei mare s-a oprit brusc, iar doctorul i-a rupt sternul incercand sa o reinvie, dar fara succes! A murit repede, si asta a fost darul ei de la Dumnezeu, daca exista asa un dar, de a muri repede!
Era inima mea intreaga! Dragostea mea de o viata! Era piatra mea de referinta, Gibraltarul meu! Spunea mereu ca m-a crescut de cand aveam 3 zile! Si m-a crescut pana am ajuns la liceu! Ma lua la servici cu ea; adormea cu mine in brate cand eram mica; ma schimba de scutece; mi-a supravegheat primii pasi, si m-a invatat tot ce stiu pana in ziua de azi, toata rutina mea de zi cu zi: cand si cum sa ma spal pe dinti, cum sa imi asez hainele si sa le pastrez; cum sa fac curat; cum sa gatesc, cum sa fiu recunoscatoare celor care ma ajuta; m-a invatat sa spun “multumesc”; m-a invatat cum sa fiu umila si modesta! M-a invatat, de asemenea, cum sa fiu mandra, si sa imi spun mereu punctul de vedere, si si sa vorbesc mereu raspicat daca am ceva de spus! M-a invatat sa lupt pentru dreptul meu si sa nu dau inapoi. M-a invatat mereu importanta educatiei si a invataturii! M-a invatat sa fiu “doamna” si sa am grija de mine, ca femeie; m-a invatat ca nu se merge niciodata la o ocazie cu unghiile nefacute sau cu parul necoafat!
M-a invatat sa Il acult pe Dumnezeu: “cand tuna, il auzi pe Dumnezeu mergand furios in Ceruri”. M-a dus la prima impartasanie, si la prima inmormantare.
Mereu ne-a invatat prin exemplul ei: era mereu buna cu cei neajutorati; si mereu ne spunea ca oamenii buni sunt mereu folositi de cei nevoiasi pentru ca de aceea sunt “oameni buni”! M-a invatat cum sa muncesc mult si neobosit, si ca munca nu e josnica, oricat de jos ar fi! Numai lenea e josnica!
Cateodata lumea zice ca seman cu ea, ca am parul ei, sau ochii sau buzele ei, si e cel mai frumos compliment pe care mi-l poate da cineva!!!
Mi-aduc aminte ca eram in clasa a doua sau a treia si ma uitam la mainile ei, si la inelul ei cel mai mare, si i-am zis ca il vreau eu; iar ea mi-a spus ca mi-l da mie cand moare! Azi am acel inel, si l-as da inapoi, si as da inapoi si cei doi ani din viata mea, cei doi ani de cand ea a plecat, as da totul inapoi, ca sa o mai vad doar odata, si sa ii spun cat mi-e de draga si cand de dor mi-e de ea! Sa o strang la piept si sa ii spun cat o iubesc! Dar nu am norocul asta! Si tot ea m-a invatat ca dorinta Domnului e mai presus de toate.
Ce poti sa dai cadou cuiva care iti este intreaga viata de ziua ei?! Cand ea ti-a dat atat de multe daruri, ce poti sa ii dai inapoi?! Cum poti sa ii spui “multumesc” cand ea ti-a dat toata viata ei?! Stiu, in sufletul meu, ca ea nu se asteapta la daruri prea mari din partea mea! Ea a fost mereu fericita doar sa ne stie pe noi fericiti! Si asta ar fi fost un cadou suficient! Stiu un lucru sigur: ca nu ar fi vrut sa ne vada plangand de ziua ei! Sau sa ne vada triste… dar asa cum am facut-o de multe ori, nu am ascultat-o intotdeauna! Si asa ca azi sunt trista!...
La multi ani, Maia, si stii ca mereu te vom iubi! …

Things are always bigger in the US … or Canada…

When I first came to the US, and always thereafter, I have always heard from all over the world, that “things are always bigger in America”. Invariably, everyone outside of here, means the USA when they say America. And indeed, I found, as a girl coming from Eastern Europe, that things are indeed bigger, wider, and more … wide spread here, in the Land of the Free. All things, almost … until this fall I got the chance to visit Eastern Canada. And let me tell you: if one is really keeping score, and after living here in the US for close to 9 years now, not ALL things are indeed bigger in the USA: SOME things are “bigger” in Canada, rather. Here are some of those things that I came across with:
- beer containers for sure, are bigger in Canada: I was able to order a meter of beer only in Quebec City and Montreal, not NYC or Atlanta; bring on your guts people (beer guts, that is), and make room for the bathroom line; one restaurant had these chemistry-lab looking glass containers almost a yard tall, for beer, and they told us that’s all they have to serve beer in (see photo); it’s either that, or water! It’s pretty interesting when you get to drink out of a “glass” the size of your 6 foot tall brother in law’s torso when you’re barely 5 foot tall; quite an undertaking.
- Waterfalls are gigantic in Canada. I have always thought you have to fly out West, to the Rockies, or at least to Niagara, of course, to see truly spectacular waterfalls in the US; the East Cost, I thought, doesn’t provide mountains with the necessary altitude to make the waterfalls spectacular, but not true: drive up to Quebec City – somewhat on the East coast, right?! Just drive up to Canyon Ste. Anne and Montmorency Chute, and you will feel just like an ant in the face of nature. Montmorency falls are the tallest dump of water in North America, taller than Niagara itself, although not bigger in volume of water; just in height: 80 meters. I have always loved the North Carolina mountain waterfalls, but your breath never stops until you climb down and then up in the Canyon Ste. Anne, and stare at the falls. It’s where Thoreau found home, and quite a spectacle.
- I know you’ll laugh, but squirrels are the size of huge, fat, rabbits in Canada! They’re fat, and they fall outta trees with a “plump” noise. I was almost scared of them! They really look like a wild, dangerous creature, not like the cuddly little cute rodent we’re used to, here in the South at least! They’re fat things! Maybe they have more fat for the long, cold winter, who knows?!
- Butter sticks: butter eaters of the South need to move to Montreal! Man, the Canadian butter “sticks” look like a PACK of butter sticks here, and twice the height! The butter savers - things are made the same way, of course: they take up as much room in the fridge as a carton of 6 eggs! Yes, they do call it a “butter stick”, and not a “package” or a “lump”. I thought shampoo bottles are huge in America, compared to Europe, until I saw the butter “sticks” in Canada: you have it for a safe 3-4 months, if you asked me: how does that not go spoiled?! Apparently not!
- And one last thing: prices! Ok, maybe they’re not bigger there than all over the US, maybe just bigger than the South, but the cheapest pint of domestic beer starts at C$5.40?! And yes, it’s a pint, which means it’s draft, which means, it’s half water anyways… And yes, it’s C$5.40, and you’re thinking “Canadian dollars are much smaller than US dollars”, but not the case: for whatever the reason (politics is not the point of this blog), the conversion rate right now is C$1.08 to $1.00 – so, you see… not a huge difference there at all! And since we’re on the topic: Quebec taxes are enormous! Think a 7% tax rate on your food and drinks is huge?! Maybe a 7.5% is immoral?! Try 14%, since you pretty much have to pay the same tax (7%) for Quebec as you pay for Canada…But then again, who do you think pays for all that “free” healthcare?!
And one more last (sad) note: yes, Americans still do amaze me as the “largest humans” on Earth! In that respect, Quebec looks like a London, or any other European capital: a GQ or Vogue poster can be shot in Montreal any day of the week! I was really trying to find at least a resemblance to “America” in this respect, but … no luck!
For pictures, copy and paste in browser: http://new.photos.yahoo.com/alinaservici/album/576460762312956738

Thoughts about home – two worth mentioning (and reading) blogs

Yeah, yeah, yeah, …we have all seen the cheesy little hangings you can buy at the flea market that quote “home is where the heart is”, but for a wandering heart, home can be anywhere, really. To me home is where I was born and where my parents live now, and whether my heart is there this minute, or not … that’s where home stays. I like to keep my heart moving, you see: exercise is GREAT for people like me, with heart disease, so … it’s moving…
Lately, I have read a couple of notes about my “home” that I know all of you will find amusing, interesting and also, will enjoy reading to get a deeper glimpse into why I left, maybe?! You be the judge! They’re a fun read, so enjoy:
My sister sent me this disgruntled rant on Romania, and actually my home town is mentioned in it more than I care for… And both my sister and I were shocked at the accuracy. It’s a great read, too, not just a well documented one:
http://www.killingbatteries.com/?p=85
My wonderful friend (don’t leave me!!!), another American, who visited Romania a year or so ago, felt the urge to respond to the aforementioned rant and here’s his response:
http://www.silflayhraka.com/archives/2006/10/a_travel_writers_thoughts_on_r.html
Thanks, to both, for taking the time to put this sometimes Godforsaken place on the map again, and thanks for the smiles, and the reminders. It’s always such a fresh and eye-opening experience when you see yourself or what is familiar to you with strangers’ eyes! A real rush!
And a brief note: things mentioned in these blogs ARE accurate and they do not just “resemble” real circumstances and people, they “are” real circumstances and people. Take my word for it!
PS: you might have to copy and paste these blogs' links into your browser.