Sweet 16

I just finished reading the blog post I wrote the day you were born (https://wander-world.blogspot.com/2008/04/from-heart.html). And this reminds me: you are part of this generation that lived your entire life on the internet. Between blogs and Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat - your life has been thoroughly documented somewhere ... 

There is not much more to say that has not been shown or said, is there?! Only you make sure that there is ... You are a growing boy - a boy? Not anymore. But not quite a man yet, to paraphrase a famous song. A growing boy (to me, you’ll always be a boy) with endless resources to grow, surprise, learn, shock, inform, and remind us that there is no boring minute when you’re watching a child come of age. So, there is so much more to say, still! 

Today, you are reaching a milestone. There was one year, and then three, and then five, and then seven, and ten. And now, it’s 16. It’s that sweet but also bitter time when you want to hang on to your innocence but life and people have other plans for you. You had small bites of real life so far, but they were more or less spent under the watchful eyes of your parents and family. From now on, you will need to figure out how to look for life opportunities and show us what you’ve learned. Will you remember everything we taught you? Will you know when to apply all the teachings we’ve all imparted so you can make better choices than we ever made?!  Time will have to tell and we’re waiting with baited breath for you to show us ... 

I hope that you’ll never lose your sense of humor, fun and partly your innocence, but that you’ll be able to also make really good and everlasting choices starting today. I hope that you will slowly but surely come into your own mature self - into a good, serious, reliable, and more than anything kind human being. I truly hope so ... I truly wish you so ... 

On this celebratory day, I am grateful for every minute I have ever spent in the past 16 years thinking and praying for you, and for every minute we spent together ... We never know what will come, but I always cherish what we already have: 

My wedding day ...

Watching you learn woodworking and teaching you knitting ....

Watching you cook  your first breakfast... 

Making your own art ... (I wish you’d remember your talent!) ... 

Writing your first computer game ... (yeah, whatever happened to that?!) ... 

Crossing Lake Ontario to Toronto Island together in search of peace ...

Touring Casa Loma ... 

Taking you to your first dip into the Atlantic Ocean when we were barely a year old ... 

You introducing me to beaver tails (you created a monster!) ... 

I’ll always have these memories, and more: taking you to your first baseball game, musical, and your first spinning restaurant. And not to forget: watching our first ever total solar eclipse together - surely a first and who knows - maybe the only one. 

You might never be a little boy with Spiderman facepaint in the middle of summer ever again - but I hope we will always continue to build memories together, small treasures of boxed time that we can cherish forever ... 

I wish you all the happiness in the world, but more than that - I wish you wisdom and kindness! With them, happiness will come. 

Happy birthday, sweet Pat! Enjoy your day and may the new year ahead be the best one yet! Here’s to strong, peaceful, happy beginnings! 

Much love ... 

I treasure every face, I remember every year, looking forward for more milestones to come ...

49 on 4-9 (2024)

As I start the last year of my fourth decade, I unavoidably look back at my life so far and wonder what I have learned, if anything. Was it all worthwhile so far? Who would be able to be the judge of that? 

If I were to name my decades, it would go something like this: 10-Waking Up; 20-Coming of Age; 30-Finding Love; 40-Growing Up. That’s right. Sometimes you’ve got to live for 49 years (sometimes more) before you feel like you’ve grown up. So, kids, there is no rush! 

Some things I now know for sure:  having a bad hair day is really,  usually, the least of your worries; some people, friends and blood relatives alike, will not only let you down, but they will rip your heart right out of your chest, put it through the grinder and chuck it in the road to be run over by all traffic, over and over again forever; and there is no damn thing you can do about that, other than learn from it and move on; time is never ever wasted when you spend it watching a sunset, a sunrise or when making conversation with a kitten cat; try every food, even if you're gonna spit it out; if someone invites you on a trip somewhere you’ve always wanted to go, and you have $30 in your bank account, pull out a credit card and charge it, but go, nonetheless. It will be worth it. Come to think of it: always keep a working credit card with enough room on it to splurge for a random present for yourself or the next impromptu trip. Always! 

No trip, no travel is ever wasted, even when encountering the worst experiences (and still remaining alive to tell the story). Nothing allows you to grow into a better, more alert, smarter, more compassionate, richer human being than travel. Embrace it, learn to love it. It’ll be your ticket out of yourself and into a bigger, more fulfilled, rounder, more flavorful and colorful world. Every. Single. Time.

I am 49 today. The good doctors of 1983 Romania were sure I am not going to ever see 26, or even get out of my teens. You do not understand the gratitude, the sheer high that comes out with this accomplishment, unless you’ve lived it. 

Another thing I know for sure now is that you must listen to your doctors, but you also must always question them and check the science for yourself. They know the books, but only you know you. Ask, challenge, understand. These are no crimes. These are signs that you love yourself. Loving yourself is not a crime. (OK, in all honesty, I am still working on this one!) 

Sometimes the smallest flowers are the show stoppers and the breath-takers. I’d take one freesia over 1000 roses every day of the week. 

I love willows the best out of all the trees, for their humility.

Your step will get heavier, your bones will get stiffer, your medicine strengths will increase, your smile will require a higher threshold to show, but whatever you do, don’t ever stop moving forward. Whatever you do, do not settle. Whatever you do, do not stop and do not go back. Whatever you do, look forward to the next day, the next breath, the next challenge. Live loudly, even if it’s just loud enough for you. You don’t need an audience to celebrate. 

This last decade kicked my butt in many ways - it started with open-heart surgery at 40, and it pulled me kicking and screaming through finding my new normal with a new heart, seeing one parent survive cancer while collapsing under another more dehumanizing disease later on (yeah, really!), through the Covid years and losing my mentor, longest love of my life, my dad, among other losses. 

And yet, I know that I always want more. I humbly am grateful for the lessons and for this rebel and stubborn resilience, and am ready for more.

I know for sure that the crooked, uneven, twisted ways of life are so much more fun than the straight and narrow. So much more colorful. And I am a better, kinder, stronger person because of them. I also know that my great-grandma was right: no matter where we go, no matter what we go through or accomplish, we are all poor and alone at the end. Just like we came into this life. There is some letdown in this but also some comfort. 

One last thing I know for sure: no matter how much you hate surprises, when a loved one throws you a surprise birthday party, embrace it, cherish every moment of it and do not argue with them. There will come sooner than you think yet another birthday where you’d give your right arm to have one more birthday with that person, surprise or otherwise, and it’ll be too late. 

More than anything: be thankful. Painfully, blood-knuckled, giant-tears-bawling-eyed, desperately, thankful. For everything and everyone who got you here … 

Quebec City, Canada - even on a twisty year, never saying no to travel …

A Birthday for the Books

We are broken and stranded today.

We are lonely and drifting aimlessly in a sea of doubt. 

We sleepwalk through every challenging day like ghosts or mummies, stiff and gloomy. 

It's nice out - way too nice for a February day: snowdrops are on sale on every street in this old Moldovan town, people are wearing their thick coats wide open, or on their arms ... There is a smell of spring in the air, of new life, of new hope, but our heads down in our problems, we barely notice ... 

I have no presents. I have no card. I have no food nor plan for where it might come from on your special day ... 

My heart cries because you deserve so much more. You deserve everything. You deserve the world and the moon and the stars, all the kittens and puppies of the world, all in one neat package, tied with a green bow. Like your favorite color, like the Montana pines, like your eyes ... 

We are hurt. And we are drifting. We are lost, truly. Far from home and with no definite map of where to next ... 

But most than anything, more than any of all the material things we are not, we are together. We are drifting, but we are drifting together … I can reach out across the bed, across the table, across the pavement when we walk the streets and feel you there. And my world is whole again. My dark hours light up like the skies during a Northern Lights exposure. Amazing, beautiful, hopeful. I hear your voice first thing in the morning and I know I can tackle it all. I see you smile at our kitten's picture and I know you're the one. 

There are no words in any amount of dictionaries that can explain how much I love you and how much I worship the day you were born. February has brought me and us a lot of tragedy, a lot of pain, but all is forgiven because it has also brought you. 

I am not even sure if I would be here today without you, without your care and your unwavering love, but if I were, I would be even more lost and more dark and more desperate than I am now ... 

I know this is not a happy birthday - not in the wholesome sense of this word - but I wish you a birthday where you know how happy you make me and others by just being in the world. My family, your mom, your friends love you and are ever grateful for putting color in their lives and smiles on their faces. And me - you build me up; you hold me; you heal me when I am cracked; you catch me when I fall. You are everything, Mr. Aa. And I can only hope I can be an iota of all that for you... 

Try to enjoy today and let's make it amazing the first time we get a chance for a do-over, hopefully soon. I love you! 

Happy February 27th! 

When I picture us the happiest, I picture us like this.

From Many Moons Ago

I remember that evening and later the night like it was yesterday ... The details that I might not be remembering I’ll make up and they might still fit ... I remember the air, the night, the pretend story, the party afterwards, dancing till almost dawn, our youth ... 

It was a warm summer evening in Costinești, Romania, on the Black Sea coast - the kind of summer evening where the air sticks to your skin like honey. In our rental house, we finished getting dressed, our skins hurting from too much sun (or at least mine was),  and then wandered off onto the streets in search of some entertainment for the night. It was you, me, my sister, your brother, and some other friends ... 

Our rental place was a crammed room in a house inland. All the fun stuff was on the beach, about a 20 minute walk or so. This was back in the day when we didn’t mind walking for 20 minutes ... 

It was 1996, I believe, or maybe another year later than that?! At any rate, you and my sister were teenagers. I was in college, but an old soul myself - maybe too old for my own good (wasn’t I ever?). I was the college student, older sister who mocked everything you young'uns were up to with an air of superiority (I know, some things never change, eh?). 

We eventually reached the beach, with its promenade area, where all the tourists were strolling, eating summer street treats (kebabs, ice-cream, fresh waffles), people-watching and flirting ... Costinești was a young people’s town, so I don’t remember many families with kids or older married people. I remember many dance clubs, most of them outdoors, lots of bars and restaurant patios. It was a teenage and young adult heaven and we, I suppose, fit right in ... 

We started walking from the house at dusk, but by the time we made it to the promenade, it was full-blown dark ... 

In the midst of the promenade area, somewhere at the edge of the beach, with its back towards the water, there was this two or three-wall  shack advertising to be a “Registry office” where lovers, couples, or even people who had just met could “get (mock) married”. The officiant would help you read your vows, they would pronounce you husband and wife and even give you a glass of champagne and a marriage certificate. You were 17. My sister was maybe 18. You both had just started dating that year (if indeed the year was 1996) ... 

And you both wanted to “get married”. I was mortified! I was thinking of all sorts of bad omen signs that this might bring. What if you’re tempting fate? What if you’re never going to get (really) married when the time might come in your future? What if something would happen to one of you and at least one of you won’t make it till the “real” time when you should get married, in “real” life? I cannot remember what I said but I do remember that in my mind, I was definitely not on board with this ... 

However, one thing I do remember that I thought right away: I knew right then and there that you loved my sister. I knew that if a kid of 17 can sign up, even in jest, even pretense-fully for such a commitment, that if a kid of 17 does not think that marriage might make him un-cool to his friends and little brother ... I knew the only explanation was that this was really, truly love ... And right then and there I knew, you were there in our lives to stay and care for my sister ... And I knew she loved you back. Totally, unconditionally and unreservedly ... And I was grateful for you two finding each other ... 

Happy birthday, friend, brother, and father to my only nephews! Thanks for always keeping your commitment to my sister - even from way back when it was just a child’s play to the rest of the world ... 

Congratulations! Or "casa de piatra"!

A Teenager. A Funny Guy. In His Own Words.

Because this world is a dark place and because we all need a smile, here are just some of the musings you have entertained us with in the past year: 

Kevin: Do we have to have dinner with this person at the table?

His mom: So what if she were to have dinner with us at the table? She is just people. Just like you! 

Kevin: Yeah, but I hate people! 

*

Kevin (looking at the picture of a friend’s new baby): I don’t want to be a babyist, but he looks just like any other baby.

His mom:: What is a ‘babyist’?

Kevin: It’s someone who is generalizing that all babies look alike.

*

Kevin, on trying Chick-fil-A for the first time, as he is eating his sandwich and fries: Chick-fil-A makes McDonalds look like a soup kitchen … Anyone have more fries?

*

Kevin: I am gonna marry someone from the Chick-fil-a family and become its CEO. And then, I'll commence the world-wide colonization of Chick-fil-a so every country will have it. (he pauses for dramatic effect). Yes, I am not gonna START it. I am gonna COMMENCE it! This is how you know it's for real!

*

Kevin to me, when he came to visit me: Coming to see you is not a chore. It’s a gift. 

*

Me: I am already fat. 

Kevin: Oh, my God! You and my mom are the most delusional people in the world! You are both already skinny! (such a sweet nephew, ain’t he?!)

*

Kevin (insisting that the family should keep the tradition of decorating cookies for Christmas): We are never too old for Christmas. 

*

Around the holidays, when it was raining in Montreal, he says:  What’s with all this rain?! It’s supposed to snow in December. I feel scammed by Canada.

Happy birthday, funny little man! You’re an official teenager now (God help us), but always a little man to me! 

Hope you’re having a fun day and, even better, a fun ride for the next 6 or so years of teenage-hood! It’ll be a wild ride, I am sure.  

Love your life! We love you! 

“Respectati-va si veti fi fericiti!”

Eu nu stiu altii cum sunt, dar eu nu ma gandeam daca vom ajunge vreodata la aniversarea de 50 de ani in ziua cand m-am casatorit ... Nu ma gadeam mai departe de urmatoarele 2-3 ore ... Ma gandeam: oare am platit pe toti cei implicati in logistica nuntii? Restaurantul? Cei cu tortul? Oficianta de casatorie? Oare am comandat destula mancare pentru invitati? Oare invitatii vor gasi sala de nunta si se vor simti bine? Desi aveam doar 13 invitati, aveam emotii ... 

Nu am avut nici emotii ca pasul pe care il faceam nu era potrivit ... Nu ma intrebam oare cat vom dainui in casatorie? Un an? Doi? Zece? Doua zeci?! Nu imi puneam asa probleme ... Stiam ca e cea mai buna decizie pe care o luasem vreodata si in rest ... imi vedeam de ale zilei si savuram momentul. 

Ma intreb oare ce credeau parintii mei acum 50 de ani, in ziua nuntii lor?! Oare aveau emotii? Erau fericiti? Erau siguri ca si-au gasit sufletul pereche care le va fi calauza si prieten cel mai bun din acea zi inainte? Aveau dubii? Se iubeau?! Nu stiu - pentru ca nu eram de fata ... Dar cunoscandu-i mai apoi, si acum, stiindu-le intreaga casnicie, pot sa imi imaginez ca era probabil cea mai fericita zi din viata lor de pana atunci! 

Erau doi copii. Capul plin de vise si sperante. Inima plina de amor si fericire ... Ce vremuri?!

Daca ii cunoasteti pe parintii mei, nu cred ca exista prea mare dubiu ca s-au iubit. Enorm ... Faceu totul impreuna si luau mereu decizii impreuna ... Erau nedespariti in fiecare clipa a fiecarei zile ... Chiar daca nu mereu impreuna fizic, erau impreuna in spirit si in gand ... Isi completau propozitiile ... 

Cand eram prin gimnaziu, jucam un joc cu ei - stateau in camere separate si mergem la unul si il intrebam ce gandeste celalalt. Apoi mergeam la celalalt si il intrebam la ce se gandeste si de fiecare data confirma exact ceea ce ghicise primul din ei ... Niciodata nu am inteles cum reuseau sa iti ghiceasca gandurile, dar acestia au fost parintii mei. Mereu indragostiti ...

Astazi, la 50 de ani de la ziua unirii lor in dragoste, tata nu mai este aici pe pamant. Dar sunt ferm convinsa ca este langa mama in spirit si ca vegheaza asupra ei in fiecare minut. Sunt convinsa ca nu ne-a parasit decat fizic. Sufletul lui ne va urma in fiecare clipa, in eternitate! 

La nunta mea am avut un tablou cu o rama alba pe care invitatii au scris cate un gand pentru inceputul nostru de viata impreuna ... Tata a scris: “Respectati-va si veti fi fericiti Baby si Anisoara” Putini stiu ca aceasta era credinta lui de neclintit - ne spunea adesea ca dragostea dureaza 2 minute, dar respectul nu se stinge niciodata ... 

Astazi, la ziua lor aniversara, imi doresc sa fi stiut ce au simtit acum 50 de ani. Isi propuneau oare sa ajunga la 50 de ani? Probabil ca nu ... 

La fel de mult imi doresc sa fi stiut cum ar fi petrecut ziua de azi, daca ar mai fi fost inca impreuna ... Sigur tata ar fi organizat o petrecere frumoasa, i-ar fi cumparat mamei flori si probabil o bijuterie (cu siguranta un inel), si impreuna si-ar fi amintit de realizarile de peste ani. Ar fi mers probabil la biserica pentru nunta de aur ... 

Din pacate, viata are alte planuri si de contra noi nu ne putem pune, pentru ca e deseori mai puternica decat dorintele noastre ... Astazi, nu se poate sa ii avem alaturi pe amandoi si sa ii pretuim, fizic, asa cum ar merita-o, pentru o dragoste si o viata bogata si demna de respect, impreuna ... 

O facem insa din tot sulfetul, sprijinind-o pe mama cum putem, de unde putem, cu dor, cu drag, cu dragoste multa, cu lacrimi in ochi, si cu imbratisari calde, de oriunde ne-am afla ... 

Odihna lina tatei!

Mama, o zi senina, in care sa te bucuri de fericirea pe care ati cunoscut-o impreuna si sa plangi mai putin pentru dorul pe care cu siguranta il simti dureros ... Ati cladit o viata frumoasa, o generatie de copii frumosi si impliniti - bucura-te pentru realizarile facute impreuna si pentru fericirea care a fost ... 

Noi iti multumim, asa cum ii multumim si tatei, pentru tot ce ne-ati dat si pentru ceea ce suntem astazi. Nu ar fi fost nimic posibil fara voi si fara dragostea si respectul vostru reciproc ... 

Va iubim si te iubim si suntem mereu langa tine. Acum si in fiecare clipa. Mereu. 

 

2023. A Retrospective

Another crazy and crooked, and hard and funny, and light and heavy, and ... in the end, beautiful year! 

The year took off like a space rocket which we saw from Wrightsville Beach, NC in January - Space X’s Falcon 9 ...

Space X launched the Falcon 9 from Cape Canaveral, FL. But here we captured the launch something like 600 miles North, in Wrightsville Beach, NC

Then there was re-discovering The West (after a 4 year absence) - walking and the driving among cactus plants taller than five-story buildings in Arizona ...

Cactus in Saguaro National Park - Tucson, AZ

I picked up a new hobby - the study of Frank Lloyd Wright’s homes - and kicked off this new obsession by visiting his Taliesin West in Arizona and the Westcott House in Ohio ...

Frank Lloyd's Wright Taliesin West - Scottsdale, AZ

I made my search for National Parks an official hobby too - and we visited three new ones for us: Saguaro (AZ), Indiana Dunes (IN), and Jean Lafitte (LA). Rediscovered the healing power of nature and its untouched beauty. 

I saw armadillos for the first time ever and an owl up-close in the wild as well. 

Armadillo outside the Jean Lafitte National Historical Park - Marrero, LA

From a boat on the Mississippi Delta, in Jean Lafitte National Historical Park - Marrero, LA

We walked the streets of my hometown of Iasi and visited museums we had not seen together before. One would think that no stone is left unturned in your hometown, but we found evidence to the contrary ... 

Street bench in the University District of Iasi - Romania

We went to New Orleans together for the first time, too - got lost in this noisy, smelly, but beautiful old city. A city ever in search of the next thrill, ever aware of its originality and charm.

Amazing "fish wings" at GW Fins, in New Orleans

It was the year of the long road trips - North Carolina to Michigan and then, later, to Louisiana. Long? Yes, but worth it in the end, to cover and see as much of this land as possible. 

We met with family in and from at least three corners of the world. We spent July 4th with my mother-in-law in Michigan and I learned to play pick-up sticks. We celebrated mom’s 70th birthday - so grateful for this milestone and that we were all able to be together for it. We hosted my nephews for a week in North Carolina and cracked up at their funny mouths and originality while experiencing some of their firsts - simple things like lunch at Chick fil-A, their first baseball game, and introducing them to a new artform - the musical (Wicked). 

The Wicked stage in Durham, NC

We got lost in the Smoky Mountains in search of waterfalls right as the summer was slowly creeping in on Memorial Day ... We found hidden-gem wineries and small mountain towns - Bryson City, Sylva and Beech Mountain, too.

View from Deep Creek Winery - Bryson City, NC

Food was new and good to us this year too: we savored award-winning chili at the River’s End Restaurant on the Nantahala River and discovered delicious fish “wings” in New Orleans. 

Bridge over the Nantahala River. River's End Restaurant in the background.

We had cancer scares and health setbacks. We had health successes too. Through home and body repairs, everything and we aged by yet another year ... Everything has an age ...

We supported each other and family and friends in the loss of loved ones or of pets, or in other losses and difficult times, whether there were big or small accidents or misbehaving kids ... 

We continued to watch the world come apart at the seams with sickness, with war, and so much loss that it’s painful to open the news every day anymore ... We pray and we hope for a better tomorrow for all of us. We pray that the lessons that history has taught us are not yet lost on the human race ... We continue to hope there is still some good out there, and try to not think too much and too hard of what might be coming next if the world is not waking up! 

We continued to cross things off of our bucket list like visiting the Dali museum in St. Petersburg, FL or taking our first cooking classes together ... 

Entrance to the Dali Museum - St. Petersburg, FL

During the whole time, we missed dad ... Painfully, dreadfully, and unavoidably ... Everything I did reminded me of him - the stories about the food that I could not share with him, my orchids blooming twice, not once, this year, mom’s birthday party that he did not get to organize ... We lost his dog, his car, and gave away his clothes ... With each gesture, we lost him a little bit more ... It was a brand-new year of learning how to move on, how to keep going without him in the light ... This year was definitely a lot less funny and a lot less light because he was not in it ...

But, at the end of it all, I am grateful for the bright spots - the love and the togetherness we have felt, whether close by or from far-away ... 

Even with all the reminders of loss and pain, I am looking forward to what is next ... Like every year, like every day - life is good and bad, dark and bright, easy and hard - all rolled up into a perfectly imperfect whole ... To witness it all is a privilege. I wish for health in the new year, for it is in health that all things are possible. And I wish for peace in the new year, too, for it is in peace that they become true ... 

Happy New Year, everyone!