Long years of hoping, and dreaming. And finding, eventually, an oasis with water and green. Like wandering in a desert, for years, and days on end – finally coming home, where hardships stop, and happiness begins.
In there, at home, enjoying the sun but also the water, and the freshness of the spot for which we hope on our journey. It’s heaven! And we get lost. We give it our all, and hope that we are settled now. We love, and give, and for once, we are settled. We think. We let go.
And just like a Fata Morgana – the oasis disappears, after the rush has passed - and we’re back on the road. Hoping. Looking. Searching. Dreaming. Drying out and thirsting for love once more.
We share “friendships”, we call them. We share ourselves with the world, every day. We belong to all, and we slice up who we are to give everyone a piece. None of these sharings becomes a little more longer than a couple of hours, when “it’s convenient”. The giving is truncated by the conditionality of it all. There is no freedom and letting go. There is only conditional sharing, and accommodating everyone’s schedules. At the end of the day, it’s still us alone, contemplating silence and an empty bed.
And we can’t help but wonder: is our fear of commitment keeping us from something bigger, and deeper, and larger, and of more of the realm of “forever”?!
What if our independence, and our love of the “me” and the “now”, our love of the whole blanket, and not satisfaction with just half of it, our love of the whole potato serving, and not enjoyment of just half of it, our fear of sharing the day, keeps us forever wandering?! Keeps us forever soldiers of the desert and of the loneliness?!
We choose ourselves for now, for the sake of simplicity. And the now turns into tomorrow, and into another month and another year. And we won’t know whether this choice is good or bad, till we’re old, gray and “gone” so much that we won’t be able to “share” any of ourselves anymore – as there will be little of ourselves left.
Love for me, as I have found, has been a constant searching. All findings have proven only momentary. And there are some findings out there, who might have been bigger than just a fleeting moment – but we were never allowed to explore them.
We’re letting the mind rule us, and we forget all along that love’s nest is in the heart! We think so much, our thoughts are louder than our heartbeats!
So, we’re waiting. And searching, and wandering…
And I can’t help but ask myself over and over again:” What if we’re looking for something that’s already found us?”
What will we tell our squandered selves when it’ll be too late to fix anything, if that’s the case?! Too late to fill up the empty Sunday afternoons, and the empty hearts we carried on in our journeys?! This question interferes with my peace daily!